LOLTNA: That's What You Get

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Now this.

Over the weekend, I discovered an entire Wiki dedicated to TNA Wrestling’s awful and often laughable history. It chronicles, sometimes in great detail, every major and minor misstep that America’s #2 wrestling promotion has made since its inception in 2002. Here’s a brief year-by-year history of major failings in TNA (don’t worry, I am driving a point with this):

• 2002: In a dark match, a 400-pounder named Cheex (accompanied by Brown-Eyed Girl) broke the ring. This was before the very first broadcast (which, by the way, you had to pay $10 for. In fact, TNA’s main show was on PPV for more than two years.)
• Speaking of PPV buys, Jerry Jarrett, the co-founder of TNA, budget the promotion at about 50,000 buys per week. Their PPV got about 20,000 buys a week. Already in financial trouble, Panda Energy stepped in and bought a majority share of the company (71%) for just $250,000. This was after Healthsouth, one of the original major financial backers, had to pull their funding due to fraud investigations. Ouch.
• 2003: Vader, Paul Bearer, Nikita Koloff, Moondog Spot, Viscera, Bart Gunn, Mike Awesome, and Lex Luger all came and left TNA within a month of their arrival.
• Jeff Jarrett attacks Hulk Hogan at a press conference in Japan, which was to lead to Jarrett vs. Hogan on PPV in their first ever supercard PPV. Nothing came of it as Hogan went back to WWE. The busted angle still made the 50 Greatest TNA Moments countdown.
• 2004: Vince Russo returns, Cookiegate, Johnny Fairplay. And the “TNA Street Team”. And Jeff Hardy no shows two PPV events in his first six months on the job.
• But it’s all good, as TNA moves from Nashville to Orlando and has gotten themselves a TV deal with Fox Sports Net. Unfortunately, it’s 3pm on Friday. Many markets couldn’t (or didn’t) air it on 3pm Friday (or in some cases, not at all), so yeah, it got abysmal ratings. And was cancelled after a year.
• 2005: The Jeff Jarrett reign of terror ends at the hands of AJ Styles…only for Styles to lose the title to Raven just five weeks later in a reverse ladder match…only for Raven to lose the title to Jarrett at a house show just days before TNA debuts on Spike TV.
• Chris Candido died due to a blood clot and surgery complications. Tammy Sytch, Candido’s girlfriend at the time, was sent a ham dinner instead of the money owed to him.
• Panda Energy receives two offers to buy TNA, one for $10 million, another for $20 million. Both were rejected.
• 2006: Serotonin, Shannon Moore, a screwjob in Orlando, and the roof. The roof. The roof is on fire.
• But hey, at least TNA brought in the Dudley Boyz, the most prolific tag team of this generation. And Christian. And Kurt Angle, who ended Samoa Joe’s 18-month unbeaten run just two months after his debut.
• Oh, and Abyss won his only world title via a disqualification.
• 2007: The reverse battle royal, Elevation X, Feast or Fired, an electric cage match that wasn’t electric, Judas Messias, Pacman Jones, VKM (complete with blackface), Silent Night Bloody Night, and Black Reign (Dustin Runnels, the man that played Black Reign, purposefully does not talk about this part of his career. Can’t blame him really; he was out of shape and addicted to painkillers.)
• Oh, and Rellik. That’s killer spelled backwards..
• Plus 1 in 4 wrestlers on the roster tested positive for steroids.
• 2008: The Governor, Bobby Lashley, Mick Foley as TNA Champion, Youtube shooters on payroll, TNA Impact the video game, Suicide, Black Machismo, Don West the heel commentator, and Frank Trigg.
• Plus, Knockout fiascos. At least two Knockouts and a number of midcarders worked second jobs to supplement their income. Meanwhile, six members of the roster, all of whom worked for WWE at one time, collected a combined $4 million in paychecks.
• A match between Taylor Wilde and Daffney was the highest rated segment on an episode of Impact. Both were rarely used for the remainder of their runs.
• And just as TNA dropped the ball on Ayako Hamada the previous year, they drop the ball on “Cheerleader” Melissa Anderson.
• 2009: The Main Event Mafia, World Elite, Nation of Violence, Frontline, a new title is introduced, Tazz the new color commentator, and MINUS. FIVE. STARS.
• Oh, and Ho Kogan (LOOK AT ME!) is coming to TNA.
• 2010: Monday Night Wars 2.0. Six sides becomes four sides, Hogan’s friends run wild, the “cast member” zone, 0.56, Dixie Carter the character, EV2.0, and They.
• They of course being Immortal. In the first show following Bound for Glory, there were a total of 16 minutes of wrestling. The opening segment was a 45-minute promo segment, and the first real match (the Tara vs. Madison Rayne laydown doesn’t count) didn’t begin until 10:15.
• There was also a segment featuring a member of the Jersey Shore cast, which in a bit of irony went up against an episode of Jersey Shore.
• Oh, Rob Van Dam won his debut match with TNA in twelve seconds (against Sting!), then gets beaten down for the next five to ten minutes.
• 2011: TNA responds to 2/21/11 with 3/3/11, the Main Event Mafia dies when both Booker T and Kevin Nash bail, Matt Hardy is Tyler Reks, Bound for Glory Championship Series is more confusing than the BCS, Brian Kendrick comes on down, a wild Jackie Moore and ODB appears, the return of Braden Walker, Sting is The Joker, Sting versus Flair, Sting versus Hogan, Sangriento, RDV, and TNA done got hacked. And “wrestling matters here”.
• Perhaps the most egregious moments from that year come on PPV. In March, Jeff Hardy appeared to be intoxicated, drugged out, or both for a world title match with Sting. After some stalling, the main event of the Victory Road PPV ends in just 88 seconds with the crowd chanting “bullshit” and Sting agreeing with them. On camera. Those who ordered the PPV got a six-month subscription to TNA’s On Demand video service as a make-good. This, by the way, was a few months after TNA sent out Hardy, also appearing to be intoxicated, drugged out, or both, was okayed to perform in the main event of another PPV.
• In October, Bobby Roode, the man many assumed would become TNA world champion, lost to an injured Kurt Angle. The result of the match was allegedly changed in the days leading up to the show thanks in part to Hulk Hogan.
• And in an encore from last year, the first Impact following Bound for Glory had seven minutes of wrestling in two hours. That’s up a minute from the previous year (10 of the 16 minutes on that show were in the Reaction hour). In fact, the highlight packages of Hulk Hogan’s face turn got more time than actual matches on the show.
• 2012: Sting’s scorpion death drop on a chair, Brandon Jacobs, Gunner, Crimson, Gut Check, Open Fight Night, Championship Thursday, Scott Steiner goes off on Twitter, and Jesse Godderz. And Aces and Eights. Live at 8pm eastern/5pm pacific!
• Vince Russo’s son, Hulk Hogan’s daughter, and Eric Bischoff’s son all have prominent roles in TNA. Nepotism happens here, brother.
• Lockdown was performed to near dead silence for the entire night. And they top it off with the long-awaited James Storm-Bobby Roode match, which ends with Roode winning the title via Storm superkick out the cage.
• After a decade in operation, TNA finally wins the Gooker Award for worst storyline of 2012 with the Claire Lynch saga. They got Julia Reilly to play the role of Claire, who was actually Olive Oyl on the Popeye ride at Universal Orlando. How TNA of them.
• Viacom (the company that owns Spike) and DirecTV got into a dispute and had their networks pulled from the cable provider. Viacom in retaliation pulled their shows from the Internet. And of course, right on time, when TNA was getting their lowest ratings in years.
• 2013: One Night Only, Bully Ray and Brooke and Brooke, Tazz is still awful on commentary, King Mo the bust, Tito the August 1^st Warning, Chavo and Hernandez are a thing, Austin Aries’ groin meets Christy Hemme’s face, and back at 9. And Impact’s taped before a live studio audience.
• TNA’s got money problems, so much so that a quarter of the roster from last year are now gone. That includes Crimson, a pregnant Madison Rayne, DOC, Bruce Pritchard, Todd Keneley, Mickie James, Matt Morgan, Taeler Hendrix, Christian York, Joey Ryan, and a still recovering from a broken neck Jesse Sorensen. Apparently, their road tapings average about $600,000 a show. House shows were cancelled, and one show in Missouri had everyone in attendance receive refunds because licensing was botched. And TNA’s On Demand service was discontinued.
• And Kurt Angle gets arrested for DUI. Again. Four times since joining TNA, by the way.
• TNA botches the Bound for Glory Series for the third straight year.
• And Dixie Carter inexplicably turns heel, about six weeks after AJ Styles inexplicably turn face.
• But there is a silver lining, as Hulk Hogan’s contract expired October 1!

So I guess with all these blunders (and many more), TNA has become WWE-lite instead of being a true alternative to the competition that they claim to be. So I guess it was no surprise to me when this little nugget came floating from the Interwebs: Hulk Hogan will likely return to TNA, and may have a deal worked out in time for him to appear at Bound for Glory this Sunday. It should be worth noting that it’s not official as of yet, but don’t be surprised if it does become official within the next few days, maybe even hours. Reportedly, it came down to you guessed it: money. WWE, despite having him appear in WWE 2K14 and wanting to be in a prominent role at Wrestlemania XXX, lowballed Hogan compared to The Rock and Brock Lesnar (let’s be honest: what can he give other than his name? He can’t perform in the ring any more), and TNA is reportedly backing up the truck for him. Hogan was getting reportedly $35,000 an appearance plus creative control over his character (thus explaining how Hogan left TV a couple weeks back). And now this guy’s getting a raise? Really?

Well, TNA, I’d love to feel sorry for you, but…that’s what you get. This mindset is what has held you back for your entire existence: cater to the old guard instead of building from within. TNA’s two Hall of Famers had their best years somewhere else. Guys like AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Christopher Daniels should be much bigger household names than they are now. Yet, here you are, about to back the truck up for yes, the most recognizable name in wrestling history, but also a man whose relevance has long past its expiration date. And worst of all, you’re in the exact same position you were in pre-Hogan. I quote Larry Cszonka in 2007:

You have gotten everything that you have said that you needed to succeed. Everything you needed to compete, to be the best wrestling company in the world. October 4th 2007 will come and go, and you get a grace period because one week means nothing. But after 6-8 weeks come and go, and if you are still doing a 1.1 rating and 20,000 PPV Buys, I don't want to hear anymore excuses. What could you possibly say? You have gotten everything you "needed." Two hours, mainstream attention, a great roster, prime time, monthly PPV, star power, you got it all. You are now officially out of excuses. I stayed with you and supported you through out all of this, and will probably be here until the end, whenever that may be. But this is it; this is the time. This is your time. If you cannot succeed now, don't blame the fans that have supported you through the years. Don't blame others or myself for a harsh review. Don't look any farther than where ever you may be sitting, because you have no one to blame but yourself.

I quote Larry Cszonka again, this time from 2012:

The ratings did not deliver (in reference to their ill-fated move to Monday night in 2010), they dropped through out, and they went back running to Thursday nights with their tail tucked between their legs, and they are pretty much back where they started. And that is a shame, considering all we ever here is that it was all they needed.
And at the end of the day, that is the worst part. They cried about, "this is all we need to be competitive, to be a real alternative," and they failed and failed hard. They didn't fail due to lack of talent, they failed because they were not prepared to go against WWE. WCW had names, and they had the loyal Turner network fan base, along with the MONEY to do battle. TNA had talent, but they didn't have a loyal audience willing to choose them over WWE, and the Carter's were not going to get into a financial pissing contest with Vince and company. And on top of that, the sad thing is that this situation has happened before.

And look out, it’s about to happen again, except this time, TNA is in a financial pissing contest with itself, and only Hulk Hogan will come out ahead. And the timing couldn’t be worse. Bound for Glory is this Sunday. It will go up against Peyton Manning’s first game in Indianapolis since leaving the Colts and possibly a deciding Game 7 of the American League Championship Series, meaning the buyrate for this show will likely be pretty low.

The main event Sunday should be about the culmination of (1) the interminable Aces and Eights saga and (2) AJ Styles’ road to redemption after being a virtual outcast since losing a #1 contender’s match last Novermber. Instead, it’s not about AJ (whose contract expires again in December). It’s not about the champion Bully Ray or what’s left of the Aces & Eights. It’s not even about Dixie Carter and what role, if any, will she play in the main event. It is once again, as has been the case for four years, about answering one question: WWHD: what will Hogan do?