RAW Bowl: Proof That Football And Wrestling Don't Mix

Last fall, an episode of Monday Night RAW garnered a 2.5 rating. At the time, that episode was the least-watched non-holiday RAW since 1997. Amazingly, WWE managed to break through the floor. Twice.  Granted, the second of the two occurred on a holiday. But as bad as ratings were around this time last year, just remember: once upon a time they were worse.

A September 1995 episode of RAW did a 1.9. So did a March 1997 RAW episode. The one in March, taking place in Berlin, Germany, was so poorly received, that the next week, RAW got a makeover and became RAW is WAR. (Such a shame really. The 200^th episode special was a pretty stacked card, including the European Championship final that is absolutely the tits.) If a 1.9 rating for what was a classic episode couldn't produce drastic change, then why couldn't this episode of RAW do the same? Well, boys and girls, travel with me if you will to 1996.

No, no, not the awesome summer of 1996, the summer of Austin 3:16 and the New World Order. I mean the beginning of 1996, where we’re still trying to recover from the hangover that was 1995. 1995: the year of the Dungeon of Doom, Diesel not drawing flies, Duke the Dumpster, and dreadful wrestling. The two big wrestling feds were dealing with clique problems: the WWF with Shawn Michaels and friends having pretty much their run of the place, and WCW with Hulk Hogan and his BFFs taking over their programming.

Oh, and in its infancy was the Monday Night Wars. Give Eric Bischoff and the people running WCW at the time credit. They were raising the bar in what could be done on a free wrestling show. Case in point: the opening match on the January 1 Nitro was Arn Anderson vs. Randy Savage. And the main event: Ric Flair defending the WCW World Heavyweight Championship against Hulk Hogan. WWF’s offering was in the can for two weeks (which kinda sorta made sense because, you know, the holidays). But when that can was opened, we were treated to one of the lower points in WWF history. Strap on your helmets, fans. Because in the spirit of football season, it’s RAW BOWL time.

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The first (and as it turned out, only) RAW Bowl aired on January 1, 1996, but was taped two Mondays prior from the Bob Carpenter Center at the University of Delaware. The main hook (and bulk of) the show was its football-themed four corners elimination tag team match, with the winner taking home the Lombardi Trophy presented by The Brooklyn Brawler (real name: Steve Lombardi). So, like nearly every post-season college football bowl game, nothing more than bragging rights were at stake. And like college football, the champions were pretty much predetermined (this, by the way, was during the Bowl Alliance era, a precursor to the Bowl Championship Series. This was back in the era where there was no one-game winner-take-all season ender.)

The football clichés were on full blast here. I’ll try and keep track of them all here. Anyways, the main selling point of this “special episode” was a four corners tag team match, and in keeping with the football theme, all the participants were wearing jerseys. Also of note, this show marked the debut of the infamous “Billionaire Ted” skits and had quite the surprise announcement as to who would be in the Royal Rumble match.

Thankfully, since this show is from 1996, it’s only an hour, about 48 minutes if you do away with ads and such. Can I say anything nice about a football-themed WWF show?

• And less than a minute in, I’ve already lost count. But here’s what I’ve caught: pregame crowd outside the building, band, cheerleaders, a homecoming queen, sideline reporters. That’s not counting the three or four clichés Carnival Barker Vince McMahon was spouting.
• Oh, and we get a Diesel vs. Mabel match in this episode. I’m in full hate mode already. If you need an explanation, I simply refer to their bout at Summerslam 1995 as evidence.
• And a Jim Ross crack: “Jumbo Jim”. Even in the mid-90s, Vinnie Mac couldn’t resist taking jabs at Ross. Fuck.
• Yeah, it wasn’t the Orange Bowl, which featured Florida State rallying from 12 down in the fourth quarter earlier in the day to beat Notre Dame. It certainly wasn’t the Fiesta Bowl played the next night, where top-ranked Nebraska curb stomped second-ranked Florida to the tune of 62-24. No, it wasn’t either of those classics by any stretch.
• Vin McMahon and Jerry Musburgerking on the call. Vince McMahon will have more negative things said about him today than Vin Scully will in his entire life. That’s a fact. And Jerry Musburgerking? What the hell is this, a Wheel of Fortune puzzle?
• Lawler in a Cleveland Browns jersey is still sad, even today. The 1995 Browns started 3-1, then lost nine of their next ten games before finishing the year 5-11. During their 1-9 run, it was announced the Browns would relocate to Balitmore, where they’ve been much more successful since.
• The tag team champions out first, tearing through the banner, the Smoking Gunns. Billy Gunn wearing #38, Bart Gunn wearing #45. Because they’re guns. Get it? Jam an icepick into my retina. BTW: the tag belts are not on the line in this four corners elimination tag match.
• Out next is the team that beat them for the belts at Wrestlemania XI (and would beat a few months later), Owen Hart (#1…well, because he thinks he is) and Yokozuna (#641…well, because he’s fat.)
• Brother Love leading a locker room prayer. Because bringing a guy who’s three shades redder than red back is good for business.
• Razor Ramon (#4 for the number of times he’s been WWF Intercontinental Champion, at the time a record) and Savio Vega (Uno because… yeah, nevermind. Fucking WWF.) out next.
• Goldust’s usher handing out flowers. Razor no like flowers. A wild Goldust appears.
• 1-2-3 Kid (#123 because… 1-2-3) and Sycho Sid (#00 because reasons) with Ted Dibiase out last. The Kid and Sid. Apparently they’re a six and a half point favorites. Really? The tag champs (and the former tag champs) are in this match and they’re the favorites? Steiner math thinks that’s ridiculous.
• Rules because there have to be: two in at a time. When one member of the team is beat for any reason, the whole team leaves. Each team can stop the match once for a timeout. Anyone can tag anyone else, but physical contact must be made before tagging out to someone else.
• Earl Hebner in football referee gear this evening.
• Owen Hart tags in Billy Gunn. They must engage.
• And they engage for a bit, then they simultaneously tag Owen and Yokozuna. Engage, Owen.
• Yeah, how did ya think that was gonna go, Owen? He’s fat.
• Savio Vega in. Yeah, not going too well for Savio.
• 1-2-3 Kid in with Savio Vega.
• A wild Goldust appears. The football clichés keep coming.
• Owen Hart back in, 1-2-3 Kid out.
• Razor Ramon in.
• Lawler sitting with the RAW Bowl queen, whom we find out is someone named Ashley.
• A couple tags and Sycho Sid is in. Shit done got real.
• Dirty old man Jerry Lawler is dirty old man.
• Bart Gunn done blowed up Sid.
• Brother Love with another pre-game locker room prayer. The match is well in progress, guy.
• You know what conference Sid is from? The WAC. The Western Athletic Conference? No, the wack. Because he’s wacko. Hey-o.
• Savio with a barrel roll and Razor Ramon is in with his former/future BFF 1-2-3 Kid.
• Kid calls timeout. Razor does not care. Hebner throws the flag.
• Sid with a blow to the back as play resumes, and Razor and Savio are out. Savio wanted timeout, but no dice. Hebner never saw it.
• Gunns 100-1 to win the RAW Bowl? Think I better call my bookie.
• Some would argue the most prestigious trophy in sports is the Stanley Cup, but to each his own.
• Billy Gunn is swinging on everybody.
• Fat Yokozuna is fat. Billy Gunn is moved and Owen Hart gets crushed, and is pinned by Billy. Yokozuna wanted timeout, but for the second time, Hebner misses it. Owen and Yokozuna are out.
• Diesel vs. Mabel later. Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little bit.
• Sid with a near fall on the Hogan leg drop.
• Sid with a one-handed chokeslam.
• Ashley’s still there? Oh, there she is.
• Dibiase distracts the ref, Kid goes up top, Razor pushes Kid off, sending him to Sid, and Billy picks up the scraps. The Smoking Gunns win the RAW Bowl.
• Creepy Jerry Lawler is still creepy.
• Shawn Michaels press conference scheduled for the following Monday.
• RAW Bowl halftime report presented by Wrigley’s with Dok Hendrix. Fastest two minutes in sports, I guess.
• Bret Hart vs. Undertaker for the WWF title announced. Bret Hart compared to the Nebraska Cornhuskers, Undertaker compared to the Florida Gators. Hart-Taker was a lot closer than Nebraska-Florida. Just saying.
• Highlights of the In Your House match between Henry Godwinn and Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Yeah, I’ll pass.
• Fat King Mabel is fat. This man won a King of the Ring and main evented a Summerslam once. About a decade later he got to make out with Lilian Garcia. I hate him.
• Brother Love still leading a prayer. RAW Bowl is over.
• Diesel out next.
• Oh, and RAW Queen Ashley is still there.
• Wow. Quick eight second squash of Mabel. Mabel would be out of the WWF three weeks later.
• Jackknife powerbomb to Mo. Diesel is in full “Diesel’s had enough of your shit” mode.
• Diesel is still a ladies man. Bitches love Diesel. It was a really good year for Diesel.
• It’s a Brisk Tea bath for the Brooklyn Brawler.
• The Vader package, albeit brief, was pretty damn awesome (not to mention a bit of a jaw dropper for many wrestling fans).
• There’s also the premiere of the Billionaire Ted skits, and that’s that.

So was it the one of the worst RAWs ever? Well, yes. And no. It depends on how you viewed the episode. If you were looking at as a pure wrestling program for good matches and storyline advancement, then you’ll likely hate the episode. As a standalone RAW, it’s okay. The four team tag match was pretty decent. The extra fluff was what it was. The football puns and creepy Jerry Lawler being creepy will likely grind your gears. But this was a holiday episode, and the WWE, even back then, doesn’t try hard over the holidays.

And now the most stunning fact from this night (other than the fact that Shawn Michaels did retire the following week, only to take it back at the Royal Rumble two weeks later and win the thing): the RAW Bowl, taped two weeks earlier, narrowly beat Nitro with a Hogan-Flair main event done live 2.6 to 2.5. Why change when you don’t have to? That answer would come that summer.

So, remember kids, appreciate the wrestling product you have now. It could easily be much worse. It could be mid-90s WWF. Or worse, it could be TNA.

And that football and wrestling don't mix.