Rocktober- Day 11 (part 1)

Well, watch this, my friend.

Rocktober- Day 3

A new day of Rock stuff.

Rocktober- Day 1

After watching about two months of PPVs that range from classic to horrible, I think it's about time I treat myself (and you, the reader) to some good wrestling for once. 

Compliment Sandwich: RAW 5/22/2000

Time for another compliment sandwich on a classic episode of Monday Night RAW (is WAR). I don’t expect this episode to make the 20^th anniversary boxset when it’s released in a couple of months, but it’s one of my favorites. This episode takes place from the Conseco Fieldhouse in Indianapolis (since renamed Bankers Life Fieldhouse) the night after Judgment Day in Louisville.

If you were for the faces, Judgment Day was a pretty depressing evening for you. Following the opener, the heels swept the card, winning the final five matches, capped off by Triple H winning a one-hour Ironman match against The Rock to reclaim the WWF Championship. But perhaps the biggest story coming from that night (other than Shawn Michaels appearing to screw The Rock out of the title) was the return of The Undertaker...looking very different. Judgment Day gave birth to American Badass Undertaker, a period that while necessary for the evolution of the character, is not necessarily looked upon fondly.

WCW countered with…you guessed it… a world title match between Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett. (For the record, Jarrett won the match and the title. It was only the second time that week the title changed hands, as Vince Russo stripped Ric Flair of the title he’d won on the previous week’s Nitro. Didn’t matter: the night after Jarrett won it back, Nash won the belt from Jarrett at a Thunder taping.) Not surprisingly, RAW crushed Nitro 7.1 to 3.0. It was the last time a WWF program got a 7 rating.

Anyways, on with it.

• How do you know you’re watching a WWF program from the first half of 2000? A 20-minute opening promo by the McMahon-Helmsley Faction. Well, not exactly that tonight. It’s Vince McMahon, and he only needed about six minutes to lay out the main event.
• How do you know you’re watching a WWF program from the first half of 2000? The main event is a handicap match. Tonight: DX + Shane McMahon versus The Rock. Even by this point, this was getting old.
• A wild Rock appears. And he’s pissed.
• Seriously, this beatdown needs some music behind it. May I suggest “Straight Outta Compton” by NWA?
• McMahon’s taking a ride.
• Rock’s looking to choke a bitch. Or something.
• And now the wrestling portion of the program begins: T&A with Trish Stratus versus The Hardy Boyz.
• Thanks to Trish, Jeff’s pretty as hell Swanton Bomb is negated by Test’s top rope elbow to the back of Jeff’s head. T&A gets the upset win at 3:56.
• The Rock is waiting for somebody.
• Eddie Guerrero with Chyna versus D-Lo Brown for the WWF European Championship. D-Lo Brown had four runs as European Champion in 1998 and 1999.
• JR and King discussing the events of the previous night. You know, there’s a match in the ring.
• A wild Godfather appears. With hos.
• Hurancanrana pin gets Eddie the dupe and title defense in just 2:26.
• Godfather with the beatdown and Pimp Drop post match. D-Lo had a very bad night.
• Gerald Brisco with the Faction just as they arrive. They have no idea how real shit’s gonna get.
• But they find out about ten seconds later when…
• A wild Rock appears. With lead pipe. He kills Road Dogg and X-Pac dead. And drops them in the bed of an 18-wheeler. Tori and Gerald at least had the sense to run.
• Team ECK versus Too Cool & Rikishi in a return match from Judgment Day.
• Kurt wasn’t completely accurate. The Pacers made it to the NBA Finals, but they got beat in six games by the Lakers. That’s better than what the 76ers in 2001 (5 games) and the Nets in 2002 did (4 games).
• Well, Christian’s right. 13 years later, not much has changed. The Pacers still choke in the playoffs.
• Five-second poses were awesome. Even Lilian enjoyed it a little bit.
• ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
• Rikishi’s face is in Edge’s ass.
• Edge prevents Scotty 2 Hotty from completing the Worm with a title shot, Kurt Angle with a half-nelson cradle, and Team ECK disposes of Too Cool in just 2:50.
• The Rock is still looking to kill.
• Shane McMahon to gloat about his victory over The Big Show. Big Show for the record would not be back until the 2001 Royal Rumble match.
• Shane’s a pussy.
• Shane the poet.
• Shane the poet about to get fucked up because…
• A wild Rock appears. Today is not a good day to fuck with The Rock.
• Up next: Chris Benoit versus Val Venis for the Intercontinental Championship.
• Benoit did not go on to become the greatest IC champion ever, though he did have four runs as champion.
• The way the end of the main event from Judgment Day was being discussed, you’d think it was Nitro, Nick Patrick and the “fast count” from Starrcade all over again.
• Speaking of which, I gotta give that event the compliment sandwich one day.
• A wild Hardcore Holly appears. And he just brained Val Venis.
• And Chris Benoit, who wins by DQ at 6:43. It’s the longest match on the show.
• A wild Chris Jericho appears. Hardcore Holly turns around but it’s way too late. Intercontinental Deathmatch 2000 is officially on. Round 1, and Jericho’s the only one that is upright.
• Gerald Brisco awaits Triple H and Stephanie, but up now is a tag team match, playa. The Dudley Boyz versus Bosschanan (Bull Buchanan & The Big Boss Man). Think The Shield, only less talented and way bigger.
• Teddy Tag Team (Theodore Long)
• Yeah. D-Von’s testifying all in Bull Buchanan’s nuts.
• Indianapolis demands their table, and right fucking now.
• Bossman gets the Dudley Death Drop and them damn Dudleys win at 5:08.
• Gerald Brisco. Still waiting.
• Elroy, aka Crash Holly, at the APA office. The APA office is one of my favorite gags ever in wrestling.
• Bradshaw and Faarooq be like, “English motherfucker, do you speak it?”
• Crash pours beer over Bradshaw. This is not a good idea. One does not waste a good beer.
• Faarooq: Don’t hurt him. He’s just a boy.
• Gerald Brisco: still waiting.
• 2000 cell phones, man.
• Crash Holly, who does not weigh 400 pounds, will take on Bradshaw in a hardcore match.
• Crash got brained with that steel chair, yo. Hands up or no, he got fucked up.
• Crash died a thousand deaths. Clothesline from hell wins it for Bradshaw at 2:01. What did you learn?
• Gerald Brisco finally with Triple H and Stephanie. Gerald telling the tale of the night to this point.
• Triple H is looking for The Rock. Meanwhile, The Rock is stalking Triple H. The Rock knows what you did last Sunday.
• Highlights from the Judgment Day main event, then Michael Cole interviewed Shawn Michaels from shortly after the final bell.
• Godfather and Essa Rios. With hos. Meanwhile, a wild Lita appears. Speaking Spanish, no less. Lita does not seem impressed.
• Jim: You ever rolled a phatty? Jerry: Remember that time when I pushed you? *bad dum crash*
• Dean Malenko, you shrewd bastard. Two hos for Dean-o. Perry Saturn gets no hos. Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn versus Godfather and Essa Rios (with Lita) becomes Perry Saturn versus Godfather and Essa Rios (with Lita).
• Lita pushed Essa Rios off the top rope, and Saturn hits the brainbuster. The one beats the duo in just 92 seconds. Guess it ain’t all good between Lita and Essa. This concludes the wrestling portion of the program.
• The Rock’s looking to choke a bitch.
• I still put Survivor Series 1997 over the Ironman match in terms of controversy.
• I would love to agree on The Rock saying Triple H never beat The Rock. Triple H did. Five times, my dude. But let’s not get facts in the way.
• Just Got Your Ass Kicked Boulevard is about a mile from Jabroni Drive, by the way.
• Sucking it with each other is most certainly not PG.
• Four-on-one is now one-on-one. Shit’s on, brah.
• That’s funny, Triple H. Indianapolis isn’t in the mood for your shit either.
• The ring stinks of rats for some reason.
• And we’re off.
• And there it is. The regime has returned.
• Doesn’t matter. Rock Bottom to Vince.
• But the Regime has pounced on The Rock.
• The Judgment Day video plays from last night. And the action has stopped. Looks like the Regime’s Judgment Day is now.
• American Badass Undertaker has arrived.
• Undertaker kills everybody dead not named Triple H, Stephanie, or Tori.
• And Undertaker was about to get run over. The Regime is running for their lives.
• Meanwhile, Triple H is about to kill The Rock dead.
• Or not.
• Triple H is about to kill The Rock dead again.
• Or not.
• Rock Bottom to Triple H through the announce table. Triple H’s final destination tonight: The People’s Hell.
• Achievement Unlocked: Rage Against The Regime.

Ok, on to the summary. What I liked and didn’t like in chart and/or graph form.

LIKE	The main story of the show: The Rock mad as hell that he got boned out of the WWF Championship thanks in part to the McMahon-Helmsley Regime. He’s not smiling, he’s not walking around like things are good. That’s what I want out of a former champion. If you lose it any way other than Windex clean, you’d better be looking to fight somebody.
DIDN’T LIKE	Yet another McMahon promo to start RAW. If there was one RAW is War or Smackdown that didn’t begin with a 20-minute promo from Triple H or his band of merry misfits in the first half of 200, I’d like to see it.
LIKE	Edge and Christian and their silly five-second poses. Brood Edge and Christian were good. BFF’s Edge and Christian were fan…tastic. (For the record, the one they did in Oakland right around the time of the 2000 playoffs was my favorite.)
DIDN’T LIKE	Most of the matches on the show finished too quickly to mean anything. But considering (a) the massive riches they have in talent and (b) little time they have, it’s forgivable. Plus, they’re coming off a PPV.
LIKE	Although I’m in the minority, I like American Badass Undertaker.
BONUS LIKE	2000 Trish and Lita. Wow.

It was easy to see why WWF was on fire in 2000: compelling characters, superior talent, superior storylines, and dare I say it, long-term planning. Of course, it was spotty in places, but around this time, this was as good as it gets.

Compliment Sandwich- WWF RAW #293 (January 4, 1999)

January 4, 1999 is a day that will forever live in wrestling infamy. On that night we had a rare daily double: both the WWF and WCW world titles changed hands. In fact, the two major promotions had world title changes within ten minutes of one another. Well…not exactly. While Hulk Hogan really did win the WCW title on January 4, Mankind had won the WWF title nearly a week earlier on December 29. With this little nugget being common knowledge among wrestling fans (about as far as common knowledge among wrestling fans traveled at the time—remember, the Internet wasn’t nearly as much a thing in 1998 as it is now), Eric Bischoff looked to pounce on the competition to get people to leave their TVs on Nitro and not flip to RAW. His idea, which had worked in the past: give away the results of the taped RAW.

Except this one time it was very different. Tony Schiavone, ever the good soldier, gave away the result of the forthcoming, yet already taped, WWF Championship match:

“If you’re even thinking about changing the channel to our competition fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their world title. Whoa! That’s gonna put some butts in the seats. Heh.”

That one time was very different because Nielsen metrics showed as many as 600,000 viewers who were actually watching Nitro at the time, tuned into RAW to see said world title change. Many of those people tuned back to Nitro at 11pm (see, with a taped show, there’s no threat of running overtime), and those people tuned into see their world title change via the infamous Fingerpoke of Doom. At the time of the announced title change, Nitro had been winning the head-to-head ratings battle for the night. They gave it away—literally—when they gave away the Mick Foley win. The rest is history.

So what’s going on in the WWF at the time?

Well, a few weeks earlier, all signs pointed to Mankind being Vince McMahon’s handpicked world champion when at Survivor Series: Deadly Game it was revealed that he was catfished and The Rock was Vince’s corporate champion. At Rock Bottom, Mankind had knocked out The Rock via Mandible Claw and should have been WWF Champion, but McMahon again intervened stating that The Rock was neither pinned nor made to submit so the title does not change hands.

Stone Cold Steve Austin, also catfished at Survivor Series, had to fight his way back into title contention. His first major hurdle was to beat The Undertaker in a Buried Alive match to get in the Royal Rumble, which he did. Austin has not been seen since that night because he’s on the DL.

The Corporation and D-Generation X are looking for ways to kill one another. Or at least antagonize one another.

Chyna and Mark Henry may or may not be dating.

And Shawn Michaels has just been fired as WWF commissioner for letting Shane McMahon take a beatdown and holding the Corporation back, but not before HBK kicks Vince in the face on the way out.

Your champions (at the time of the January 4 broadcast):

·         WWF Champion: The Rock

·         WWF Intercontinental Champion: Ken Shamrock

·         WWF European Champion: X-Pac

·         WWF Hardcore Champion: “Road Dogg” Jesse James

·         WWF Tag Team Champions: Big Boss Man and Ken Shamrock

·         WWF Womens Champion: Sable

So, if you’re scoring at home, the Corporation and DX hold every belt but one. Make no mistake: they are the featured story in WWF at the time, and it’ll play an awful big part in this episode. With that, let’s try and actually say some not nice things about the January 4, 1999 episode of RAW is WAR. Between some nice things of course.

• I’ve always loved the WWF Attitude signature.
• A career retrospective for Shawn Michaels to start, voiced over by Kevin Kelley.
• We interrupt this career retrospective to bring you RAW is WAR.
• Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on the call.
• Holy shit, there are a lotta bodies in the Corporation. One thing I don’t miss: ginormous stables.
• McMahon threatens that if Shawn Michaels shows up, he’ll be dismembered.
• Crowd at the Worcester Centrum seems unamused.
• Shawn Michaels arrives. Does the dismembering begin now?
• I guess it does.
• Shawn’s got backup…and it’s D-Generation X. Holy shit. It done just got real.
• Shawn’s contract is ironclad. He collects a paycheck until he resigns.
• President wasn’t lousy in retrospect. He was in office for the biggest economic boom in the history of the world.
• Almost forgot about this: Shane and Vince McMahon drawing Stone Cold Steve Austin’s number for the Rumble on the previous RAW. Austin was “drawn” #1, Vince #30, though he was hoping for #2.
• Shawn gives Vince his wish. Vince McMahon will enter the Royal Rumble #2.
• A stone cold crazy surprise. Gee, I wonder what that means.
• Wait… did we really need D-Generation X for this segment? It seemed unnecessary.
• And now the wrestling portion of the program. Ken Shamrock vs. Steve Blackman in a non-title match. The two will beef off and on until Shamrock leaves the WWF in the fall of 1999.
• A wild Dan Severn appears. Still with a broken freaking neck. There was never a proper blowoff between Shamrock and Severn, was it? It would have been amazeballs. I mean, amazeballs for 1999.
• I know UFC was the butt of jokes back in the day, but did you ever imagine a world where UFC PPVs would kill WWE’s offerings in buyrates on the regular?
• Billy Gunn with the Fameasser. Ref didn’t see it, of course, as he’s looking at Dan Severn. Blackman with the upset win at 3:26. Even in 1999, champions were jobbing in non-title matches.
• Gunn and Shamrock are fighting to the death.
• A wild Mankind appears. Unscheduled.
• Mankind apparently discovered himself in the previous two weeks: he enjoyed grabbing Pat Patterson’s balls, he said “suck it” without saying please, and he likes to kick McMahon family ass. Whatever ripes your melons, I guess, Mick.
• Mankind wants one more go at the WWF Championship at the Royal Rumble. He’s got a case; he did beat The Rock at Rock Bottom.
• Foley is God. Or good. Whateves.
• Yes, you can say ass, Mick.
• The Corporate team is not right behind you, Vince. If we can’t see them, they’re not there.
• Foley as WWF Champion stains the WWF? Tell Mick how you really feel, Vince.
• Mankind likes that roar. Not sure how he feels about this roar though.
• Vince, it’s Mankind this week. And if falling off a cage and getting a tooth stuck up your nose isn’t paying dues, I don’t know what is.
• So… I guess that’s a no on the rematch.
• Mankind vs. Triple H for a Royal Rumble match spot later. Shane McMahon will be the referee.
• “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry. He hearts Chyna. Mark Henry will face Goldust. Henry is only the second most perverted man in the ring. That in and of itself is an upset.
• PMS (Pretty Mean Sistas) was a thing once.
• Sushi-X sign in the fifth or six row. For some inexplicable reason, a Sushi-X sign appeared at every RAW for about two years.
• If McMahon’s so smart, why he give Shawn Michaels an ironclad contract? Just saying.
• A wild Chyna appears. With a friend.
• Goldust through the uprights and into Mark Henry’s groin area. Mark Henry with the DQ win at 3:44, though the bell never rings.
• Chyna, of course Mark Henry’s hurt. He just got kicked in the junk. It hurts like hell. I thought Chyna would be aware of such matters. Fuck.
• Um… duh, Chyna. Mark’s a fattie. 400 pounds.
• Chyna’s friend, Sammy. I believe Chyna has proposed a threesome. And Mark Henry faints. (Later, it was revealed that sweet Jesus, Sammy has a penis.)
• And on this day, Jesse Ventura is inaugurated as the Governor of Minnesota.
• And he had a home video release.
• Dennis Knight… hanging out. Creppy.
• Godfather versus Test up next. I believe this is his in-ring debut. He debuted on Sunday Night Heat the previous October as a bodyguard for Motley Crue.
• Hogan leg drop by Godfather gets a near fall. Brother.
• A wild Val Venis appears. That’s three out of three matches a wild someone appears.
• Double countout at 1:59, and it’s on. Val Venis is looking to murderdeathkill Test.
• D-Generation X…chatting. Looks like they’ve kissed and made up.
• Triple H versus Mankind with Shane McMahon as special referee up next. Winner is in the Royal Rumble. Triple H with robo-Chyna. Shane did referee in a past life, by the way.
• Mankind deserves to be shot? Wow, Lawler. How do you really feel?
• The Corporate Fan in the fifth row. That’s nice.
• We can hear it pretty clear if he does. I’m not saying it’s pindrop quiet, but you can most definitely hear it.
• Shane McMahon fast counts Mankind down. Triple H wins and gets a place in the Rumble at 2:57.
• Fuck, even in 1999, Triple H goes all about “business”.
• Surprise motherfucker. Triple H pedigrees Shane McMahon. Protect yourself at all times. Because reasons. And so Mankind can kill Shane again.
• Mankind with the Rings of Saturn on Shane. Or something. He’s gonna break that shoulder. He sounds kinda serious.
• Mankind wants a title match tonight or Shane gets that arm snapped.
• Vince agrees. Not good enough.
• No disqualification, and Vince agrees. Mankind challenges The Rock for the WWF Championship later.
• A wild Rock appears. He’s pissed. And he’s not ready. But he had to, Rock. Shane was gonna lose his arm, bro.
• Edge versus D-Lo Brown next. Edge coming through the masses. D-Lo Brown, apparently back from Aruba. Edge looks like he’s got his rape face on.
• Was D-Lo Brown really gonna chokeslam Edge?
• Edge with some serious hangtime on the cross body to the outside.
• It’s not a long shot. It’s 50-50 for Mankind to win the WWF title. Steiner math, yo.
• Running powerbomb could have gotten three if he didn’t take a moment to admire his work, D-Lo.
• Oh… the infamous Terri pregnancy angle. Yeah. I’m gonna skip this. By the way, match is a no contest at 4:57. I so hate the lost baby angle. Fucking Russo.
• Kane (with shameless plug for the Brisco Brothers Body Shop), Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and Shane McMahon with bum arm appear. It is changed to an impromptu match: Kane versus the stooges with Shane McMahon as referee.
• Vince McMahon is all like, “Kane. Sick balls.”
• It’s apparently “Kill Shane McMahon Night” on RAW. Vince talks Kane out of it under threat of going back to the insane asylum.
• Though Vince declares Kane the winner, it’s officially a no contest.
• Dennis Knight…still hanging out. The Acolytes tell Dennis that he’s ready.
• Road Dogg versus Al Snow for the Hardcore Championship up next. Don’t look at the head… too late. Al Snow catches the champion by surprise.
• 30 seconds in, a table appearance.
• Speaking of Al Snow, he’s in a blood-stained shirt. He got blood bathed two weeks prior.
• Al Snow moonsaults a table. Not effective offense. Just saying.
• Road Dogg hiptosses Al Snow through a table. That’s two tables down if you’re scoring at home.
• It’s becoming a backstage brawl in WWE ’13. Wonder if they based the backstage arena on this building.
• Holy shit, they’re in the snow.
• Piledriver onto a box. And that’ll do it. Road Dogg wins. In the snow. At 8:38, it’s by far the longest match of the night so far. It’s also the first match on the show with a clean finish.
• Road Dogg takes his rightful victory lap. That’s awesome. And it’s sensible because goddamn, it’s cold out there.
• Dennis Knight… deposited in a room somewhere while the Acolytes stand guard outside.
• Shawn Michaels done got dismembered by the Corporation.
• One can’t grieve forever, I suppose. The Rock versus Mankind for the WWF Championship in a no disqualification match. Challenger Mankind out with D-Generation X first. The Rock, clearly in the same clothes he was in earlier in the hour, out with the Corporation. At ringside: Billy Gunn, Chyna, Road Dogg, Triple H, X-Pac, Kane, Ken Shamrock, Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon, Test, and Big Bossman. That’s eleven people ringside. It might as well be a lumberjack match.
• Match’s not gonna end up in a wild schmozz like the other league. Foreshadowing, perhaps?
• At 1:26:20, we get our first appearance of Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler in this episode.
• Rock Bottom through the announce table. Of course.
• Comparing being the WWF Champion to being the Yankees center fielder or Cowboys quarterback. Um… okay.
• Corporate Elbow gets two.
• Mankind still has his old JOB Squad shirt. Didn’t realize that until now.
• Title shot from The Rock to Mankind’s face. Only two.
• Mankind with a double arm DDT, belt slips.
• A wild Socko appears. And it’s nap time for Rocky.
• Shamrock with a chair. Billy Gunn bumrushes Shamrock. It’s a zoo.
• Glass breaks. Oh wait. Now it’s a zoo. Stone Cold’s here. Holy shit, listen to that pop.
• Austin with a chair to Rock’s face.
• Mankind placed on top and at 8:48 is the new WWF Champion, much to the delight of the crowd.
• Oh, he can, and he did. Who knew a guy that once slept on the floors of Motel 6’s and in his Ford Fairmount and was once clotheslined so hard he couldn’t eat solid food for weeks would be the man that essentially delivered the killing blow in the Monday Night Wars?
• Yep, the man with the tattered shirt, a sweaty mask, and a sock puppet is the #1 man in the WWF.
• Mick Foley takes a well-deserved victory lap as the scene fades.

For the record, RAW got a 5.8 rating that night. Nitro began with a 5.6, but nearly lost a full point following the dead giveaway, but got back to 5.0 thanks to the Fingerpoke of Doom overrun. At the time, it was the largest combined audience for Monday night wrestling ever. If you paid attention through the episode, they were teasing something pretty big for Mankind throughout the night. While the episode is an all-time classic (it will be a part of the RAW 20^th Anniversary box set), most of the show is essentially filler. The meat comes in the last 30 minutes with the two title matches.  

Now, gonna try something new: things I liked and didn’t like in chart and/or graph form.

LIKE	The signature. I miss the hell out of it.
DIDN’T LIKE	The opening segment, which outside of the actual “dismemberment” of Shawn Michaels, meant nothing. There was actually a plan for a Shawn Michaels-Triple H match at Wrestlemania XV, but as Michaels needed to go under the knife, never came to fruition.
LIKE	The hardcore match. Yeah, these days it may be a little tough to watch given what we know about concussions and all, but this little nugget was a fun watch and is well deserved a place on the greatest RAW matches ever list. Not a top 10 or 25, mind you, but if you go to 50, sure.
DIDN’T LIKE	The pregnancy angle. So much hate for that angle. Fuck Vince Russo and whoever was the brains behind it.
LIKE	Hostile Mankind. He’s been catfished, had the WWF title taken away from him, and has had enough of the McMahon’s shit. So of course the next logical step was to take someone hostage.
DIDN’T LIKE	The fact they never explained the entire episode why Shawn Michaels decided to reunite with D-Generation X.
LIKE	Edge. Even in 1999, you knew this guy was gonna be a big deal if he could put it together. And he did.
DIDN’T LIKE	Creepy Edge rape face.
LIKE	The absolutely insane pop Stone Cold Steve Austin got, even though the whole building knew he was showing up at some point.
DIDN’T LIKE	That only one match had a clean finish. And it was the hardcore title match. But this was a sign of the times back then.
LIKE	Mick Foley getting his moment in the sun.

Compliment Sandwich: RAW 9/16/13

Full disclosure: I quit on RAW a little after 10pm last night, so I didn't watch the final hour (and by the final hour, I mean the main event) until this morning. Anyways, here goes the compliment sandwich: things I didn't like sandwiched between things I did.

·         I love…LOVE…Daniel Bryan Danielson, WWE Champion. Yes, I’m fully aware this moment’s gonna get ruined in about 20 minutes, but screw it: Daniel Bryan woke up Monday morning as WWE Champion. He’s the only person in the world that could say that. Worshippers of the First Church of Daniel Bryan Danielson were LOUD last night.

·         So of course I hated that it only took eleven minutes for Daniel Bryan to be stripped of said WWE Championship. I understand why they did it—long-term storytelling and all—but damn, it kinda felt like it had your heart ripped out didn’t it? At least the plates exist for Bryan. (Bonus hate: since Punk’s 434 day run ended eight months ago, the WWE Championship has changed hands six times.)

·         Here’s an interesting nugget: The next time Daniel Bryan holds the WWE Championship, he’ll be tied for tenth all time in WWE title reigns with three. That will give him more reigns than Diesel, Ultimate Warrior, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, Andre the Giant, Bruno Sammartino, Bob Backlund, Randy Savage, CM Punk, Yokozuna, The Big Show, Batista, and Ric Flair.

·         I liked that it took only eleven minutes to get the obvious out of the way. Many people knew Daniel Bryan wasn’t going to finish the night as WWE Champion, so why dick around it. I also liked that EVIL COO H and EVIL RANDY ORTON, CAREER KILLER (more on that later) needed to pry it out of his cold dead hands.

·         So… no WWE Champion. Nope. Don’t like. How long until we fill that in?

·         And how for that matter?

·         And how does Scott Armstrong play into all this? There’s a conspiracy afoot. C-O-N…SPIRACY.

·         And your ether of the night goes to EVIL BITCH Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque. Stephanie telling Randy Orton, career killer to go find career killer Randy Orton because this Randy Orton don’t deserve to be WWE Champion was glorious. I like.

·         Dolph Ziggler’s from Cleveland? Didn't know that.

·         I feel the need to mention this: I hate Big Show crying like a bitch. In fact, the whole “Big Show is broke” storyline is bullshit. Any knucklehead (no pun intended) with an Internet connection and about two minutes with Google can tell you Big Show is not only not broke, but he’ll practically be swimming in dough long after he goes in the grave.

·         Ok, the part where Big Show cried like a bitch because he had to kill Dusty Rhodes dead: I like that. At least at that point it was appropriate. Because, you know, he might have killed Dusty Rhodes dead and Big Show may have to find a safe house or something because he might be wanted for murder.

·         I can’t believe I’m saying this: I kinda like EVIL BITCH Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque. Making a father choose between his two sons? And sicking The Shield on him because he couldn’t make said choice? Then sicking The Crying Bitch on him? Fuck, if that isn’t evil bitch territory, I don’t know what is.

·         Her theme though: HATE. HATE. HATE. Bring back “My Time” if we can’t bring back “All Grown Up”. “Welcome to the Queendom” is AWFUL.

·         I also hate that Total Divas has done more harm to the divas division than good. Yeah, it brought attention to it, for about a month. Now I’m back to not giving a shit.

·         Ok, not entirely true. I care about AJ, because she’s awesome. I kinda sorta care about Natalya and Kaitlyn. The rest of the clan, Bellas included, can fuck off. Bring in Paige and Emma already. Hell, bring in Ric Flair’s kid and Bailey.

·         I will never understand the purpose of jobbing a Money in the Bank winner after he wins said briefcase. I asked my friends last night if Damien Sandow has won a match since winning the case. None of my friends said yes. Why should I believe he’ll be world champion, much less be a successful one?

·         Better question: why is there still more than one floating around? Make it just one case next year and have both champions having to look over their shoulders at the same time.

·         Yeah, there’s a conspiracy afoot. EVIL COO H “lets Scott Armstrong go”. He’ll be “taken care of” with a “nice severance package”. Ok, hip-hop. I love this storyline. Layers, my dudes. Layers. Question is how far up—or how far down—does the conspiracy really go.

·         Randy Orton, career killer is back. Orton kills Mike Mizanin while his family watches. Love, love, love.

·         If this happened anywhere but Cleveland, people would cheer the shit out of this. I’m sorry, but it’s a fact. The Miz is not exactly likable.

·         I will hate the fact that Paul Heyman will go to his grave with a pinfall victory over CM Punk. I like Paul Heyman. Hell, I love Paul Heyman. I mean, not in the way Paul Heyman loves Ryback (or vice versa, not that there’s anything wrong with that), but still, he’s made significant contributions to the wrestling business. But this bug-eyed fat walrus should not be walking the Earth with a win over CM Punk. EVER.

·         I hate that we’re getting Punk-Ryback again. Because that worked out so well for you last year. Hell, it was Ryback that put CM Punk on the shelf during the holidays and had him nearly stripped of the WWE Championship just as he was running down John Cena’s modern record.

·         Fuck Ryback.

·         More Wyatt World Order promos please. Thanks. Love these things.

·         Two championship reigns totaling less than one day is not progress. I like JBL, heel commentator, but stop making shit up. You’re as bad as the rest of them.

·         EVIL RANDY ORTON IS EVIL AS FUCK. Even has EVIL CHAIR SITTING POSTURE. It’s brilliant.

·         Why am I watching a replay of the end of last night’s match? There’s a match in progress. Hate that.

·         By the way, that fast count: that’s a normal count in the original ECW. If you can’t kick out of an ECW three count, you can’t kick out of a WWE three count. That’s a fact.

·         Still doesn't change the fact that Randy Orton got a knee RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE.

·         Holy shit! Uprising, you guys!

·         Kingston still killed dead with a GORE! GORE! GORE!

·         Knees to eyeballs, Seth. Seth Rollins died there.

·         And the church said Amen. Yeah, people are gonna be punished for this, but fuck it. People are rallying around Daniel Bryan. And he finished Monday Night RAW upright. For once. Love that.

Summary: A RAW without John Cena, CM Punk, Sheamus, and Alberto Del Rio, and it was actually good? I approve of this. A thousand times this. 

Compliment Sandwich- WWE Magazine’s 15 Reasons Why WCW Nitro Failed

Right around time of RAW’s 15^th anniversary, WWE put out a special commemorative issue highlighting the best and worst of WWE’s signature show. This was a year and a half before The Rise and Fall of WCW (which I highly recommend you watch, regardless of how you feel about WWE’s spin of some events), but it was a good six years after RAW’s competition, WCW Monday Nitro, left the airwaves. And always willing to beat a dead horse, WWE had a list dedicated to the show that it beat down (even after Nitro had beaten RAW every week for a year and a half): 15 reasons why Nitro failed.

Now, as it is my job to put a positive spin on some of the worst of wrestling (and through the benefit of hindsight), I’ll (attempt) to put a positive spin on the reasons why Nitro failed.

(15) Tony Schiavone. Sorry, I can’t even say anything nice about the man who claimed every night “was the greatest night in the history of the sport”. He spent most of his career in NWA/JCP/WCW, but did have a cup of coffee in the WWF in 1989 and 1990. The tease of the Wrestlemania VI main event between Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior that happened at the Royal Rumble was voiced by him. Apparently, he cooked a lot of bridges in WCW, allegedly hiding finishes and angles from his co-commentators and being generally lazy. Also, according to Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, he was only allowed a brief statement on his friend/co-commentator Gorilla Monsoon following his passing, though Schiavone didn’t want any mention of it at all. I could see why Schiavone didn’t like the idea: he replaced—and was replaced—by Monsoon in the WWF broadcast booth. Monsoon was beloved. Still is, for that matter. When WCW went under, the WWF didn’t come calling for Tony. When TNA was a PPV promotion, Tony was kicked after just one week. Even commentator/editor-in-chief of the Camel Clutch Blog Eric Garigulo had not nice things to say about Tony:

“Interestingly enough, I did a show back in 2007 as an announcer which was taped for pay-per-view from San Francisco. I got the booking when Tony Schiavone canceled. It amazed me that anyone would pay this man a penny to call a match on their pay-per-view. I was more than happy to take his booking.”

And with that, Tony, we’re out of time. You can go straight to hell.

(14) nWo 2000. WCW can only take partial blame for why this contributed to Nitro’s failure. Let’s make this clear: the New World Order was one of the greatest contributions to wrestling ever. Ever. That’s not debatable. How long it should have stuck around is, and while everyone has an opinion, many are of the opinion that bringing the group back in late 1999 was a bad idea. And perhaps as an act of karma, nearly everyone involved with the angle suffered. Goldberg, their main adversary, injured his arm breaking a limousine window. Chris Benoit, also feuding with the group, left for the WWF. Bret Hart, the group’s leader, was concussed into early retirement. Jeff Jarrett and Kevin Nash also had to sit out with injuries. Just as quickly as the “band got back together”, they were broken up.

(13) Anti-American Jim Duggan. No. Just… no.

(12) Chavo Guerrero and Pepe. All things considered, Pepe was far and away not the worst thing to happen to Eddie Guerrero’s nephew. For your consideration, in no particular order, here are five things worse:

a.      Chavo Guerrero once lost his ECW title match to Kane in ten seconds at WrestleMania 24.

b.     Chavo Guerrero was once karate chopped by Bob Barker.

c.      Chavo Guerrero was once Jack Swagger’s “Soaring Eagle”.

d.     Chavo Guerrero was once Kerwin White.

e.     Chavo Guerrero was the last man to lose the WWE Cruiserweight Championship. The manhe it lost to: Hornswoggle.

(11) Vince Russo in the Popemobile. Vince Russo: WCW world heavyweight champion is a much more egregious offense.

(10) Matches in the Mall of America. Those matches in the Mall of America beat Monday Night RAW that week in the ratings. Scoreboard.

(9) Fingerpoke of Doom. This moment did far more damage to WCW than any of us realize up until the whole Arquette thing. Forget the fact that Tony Schiavone on orders of Eric Bischoff foolishly underestimated the appeal of Mick Foley. Forget the fact for a moment that they were giving away yet another potential money-making main event (Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan were leading the two nWo factions in WCW—and they were at war with one another). Forget the fact that just over a year earlier, the WWF did something similar. Forget the fact that ratings actually stayed relatively steady in the weeks following this. This moment was a big middle finger to every one in WCW not named Kevin Nash or Hulk Hogan, and a big “fuck you” to every fan of wrestling in general. This title change makes the Montreal Screwjob pretty damn defensible. And that shit’s hard to defend. Apparently, there is a conspiracy theory that Hogan and Nash were plotting this from when Goldberg won the title fromHogan six months earlier in the Georgia Dome. I kinda believe it. That’s what you get, WCW. You never deserved to catch the WWF after that. I will say one nice thing: it doesn’t belong at #9. It belongs much, much higher. Like... #2. 

(8) The Magnificent Seven. Clearly not learning from their mistakes, WCW put together yet another stable in the dying days: The Magnificent Seven. Here’s the group: world champion Scott Steiner, WCW on-screen CEO Ric Flair, Rick Steiner, Jeff Jarrett, Lex Luger, Buff Bagwell, and Road Warrior Animal. Would you take this group seriously? You put seven upper-midcarders against this group, and they’d smoke them. That’s a fact.

(7) “Crazy” Ric Flair. Forget for a moment that Ric Flair may be legitimately crazy these days. Ric Flair and mental hospital are two things that shouldn’t be in the same sentence. Ever. It made the idea of Ric Flair as Spartacus look genius.

(6) New Blood vs. Millionaires Club. This was WCW’s last serious effort to generate interest in their product. They retconned everything and started over in a major reboot. Risky, considering the reboot was on the Monday before a PPV. And for a few weeks, it worked. The roster was as energized as it was in a long time. But here’s what killed it: the booking. The Millionaire’s Club, perceived to be the ones holding the younger talent back, were the faces in the feud against the New Blood. From the April 10, 2000 reboot to Bash at the Beach that July, the WCW world title changed hands twelve times, six of them coming on Nitro. Though Billy Kidman was one of the main sparks of the feud, he actually came out worse for it in the end (thanks to Hulk Hogan). In fact, the only person to come out better for the feud was Booker T. And he spent most of the feud as GI Bro. Think about that. Oh, and Kimberly Page. She had the sense to quit.

(5) Steve “Mongo” McMichael. Steve was a member of the Super Bowl-winning Chicago Bears in 1985, one of the greatest football teams ever assembled. And that’s where the niceness ends. Mongo was a bad commentator, bad wrestler, and if it weren’t for Paul Roma, would be the worst Horseman ever. Yes, Mongo was bad, but he was far from the most offensive. Plus, Mongo once was married to this.

(4) Disco Inferno. Again, bad? Yes. But enjoyably bad. In fact, Disco was one of my personal favorites in WCW. He was a guy you’d love to hate. And he is still alive, if you’re wondering. Like Mongo, not WCW killer bad, but bad enough to not cross into the offensive line. You know, like…

(3) The One Warrior Nation. WCW, allegedly at the request of Hulk Hogan, paid a hefty sum (as much as $2 million American) to get the legit crazy Ultimate Warrior on their roster for one purpose: to get that win back from Wrestlemania VI. Forget for a moment that the match from Halloween Havoc 1998 is legitimately one of the worst in recorded history. The Warrior return nosedived from the moment he got on the microphone. He talked. And talked. And talked. And pretty much lull people to sleep. And if that didn’t do it, subsequent Nitros saw Warrior appear and disappear in a cloud of smoke and trap doors and mirrors, a la The Undertaker (in fact, one of those trap doors essentially ended Davey Boy Smith’s career). And if that didn’t turn you away, then Warrior turning nWo member Disciple (aka Hogan BFF Ed Leslie) into some sort of gay sex slave probably will. The Warrior era ended after just twelve weeks, and as he had an ironclad contract, was paid a hefty sum of money to stay home. Compared to other financial flops that would befall WCW, this was minor. But among critical flops, this is easily near the top of the list.

(2) Misfits inAction. This was the group of wrestlers that was left out in the cold from the New Blood-Millionaires Club angle. The only problem was the group (outside of Booker T) was largely a bunch of jobbers no one cared about. Except adult film star Tylene Buck, aka Major Gunns. She was hot. It’s hardly a reason why Nitro failed, much less #2.

(1) David Arquette. He appeared on just three episodes of Nitro, yet his appearances did irreparable damage. In his defense, it wasn’t his fault. Really, it wasn’t. In a production meeting, Tony Schiavone jokingly kicked around the idea that David Arquette (who was on Nitro and Thunder to promote the WCW movie Ready to Rumble) could be world champion. Leave it to Vince Russo (who once thought Tank Abbott should be world champion) to take the idea seriously. To his credit, David (himself a longtime wrestling fan) thought that this was not a good idea. It didn’t stop Vinnie Ru from doing it, and on an episode of Thunder…of THUNDER, David Arquette wins the title, killing any remaining credibility the world title, the one held by guys like Ric Flair, Sting, Vader, even Hulk fucking Hogan, once had. To quote a wrestling message board post in 2009, “if the Fingerpoke of Doom gushed blood out of the organs of WCW, then the Arquette title win shot the organization in the face with the elephant gun.” I’m pretty sure no one recovers from being shot in the face with an elephant gun (I can't speak to this as I've never been shot with an elephant gun, nor know anyone that has), and neither did WCW. Ready to Rumble flopped, WCW TV ratings flopped, Slamboree 2000, in which Arquette was defending the world title, flopped, and WCW’s checkbook flopped and faceplanted in the cement. Something good did come out of it though: Arquette sensibly donated his WCW earnings to the families of Brian Pillman and Darren Drozdov.