Yesterday, I did a compliment sandwich on one of my favorite RAW is War episodes, the night-after Judgment Day 2000 episode of RAW. Not only it was the free TV debut of American Badass Undertaker, it was The Rock going off on the McMahon-Helmsley Regime after (a) being screwed out of the WWF Championship, and (b) being told that he was to be in a one-on-four handicap match.
Today, I serve the compliment sandwich to the Nitro offering from competing (in name
only these days) WCW. The David Arquette era has ended, but the war between the
Millionaires Club, WCW’s established—and most popular—superstars and the New
Blood, talent that felt they weren’t given a fair shake, rages on. It’s been
just over a month since WCW “started over”, and already the WCW World
Heavyweight Championship has changed hands five
times. Jeff Jarrett won the vacated title at Spring Stampede, loses it to Diamond Dallas Page a week and a day
later, who then loses it to David Arquette without being pinned, who then loses
it back to Jarrett in a three-tier cage match at Slamboree, who again lost it eight days later.
The champion heading into this Nitro: Ric Flair. THE Ric Flair, now on his sixth (or seventh if
you count that time the title got vacated in 1994) reign as WCW champion. However,
he ended the Thunder before this show
struggling to stay upright as he did get injured. Classy WCW makes an angle out
of it. Of course. Meanwhile, Sting and Vampiro continue their fiery feud
(literally), Hulk Hogan made out with Torrie Wilson, and the New Blood is
fighting each other, and the Filthy Animals walked on the group.
Sounds like the latest chapter in this saga may feature some
New Blood on New Blood crime. Let’s find out as WCW presents Nitro from the Van
Andel Arena in Grand Rapids ,
Michigan
- A pair of limos arrives. Why’s Vince Russo with the WCW title? And why is sad Vince Russo sad? And why is sad Jeff Jarrett sad?
- And why is there a round cage hanging over the ring?
- We open with a match. A match! The Cat versus Booker T in a weapons match. Martial arts weapons are legal.
- Awful martial arts by The Cat.
- The Cat at the time was training Eric Bischoff’s then-16-year old son Garret. I think that explains everything right there.
- A reminder of the “relaxed DQ rules”.
- Slick Johnson is your referee. I fucking hate Slick Johnson.
- Booker with a Rock Bottom. From out of nowhere.
- A wild Shawn Stasiak appears. Axe kick and chair to the back of the head takes care of Meat, but…
- A cartwheel kick puts down the Bookerman at 4:49. This, by the way, is the longest
- Misfits in Action with Major Gunns bringing up the rear.
- Three corner splashes, then Stasiak pulls out Cat. Charming.
- A wild Eric Bischoff appears. With Kimberly Page.
- Kimberly Page looks AMAZEBALLS.
- Asshole chants. And random mutes. Fucking WCW.
- Eric Bischoff played the sleazy heel about as good as anyone can.
- Bischoff offering the olive branch to MIA to join the New Blood. MIA’s response: kiss our ass, complete with Major Gunns (real name: Tylene Buck) pulling down her shorts and mooning the New Blood.
- Late-to-work Kevin Nash is a gimmick. Who knew?
- Booker T has been fired. Again. That’s twice since the reboot Booker T got fired.
- Sad Vince Russo is still sad. Mock Ric Flair funeral later.
- Terry Taylor with Reid Flair. Show of hands that 13 years later, you had only Terry Taylor still alive. Damn.
- Speaking of Terry, Terry Funk is set to retire tonight. Terry Funk retiring: one of wrestling’s most enduring gimmicks.
- Daffney versus Crowbar for the undisputed WCW Cruiserweight Championship is on deck. Daffney’s the champion (the second woman to win the belt in six months, BTW after Madusa won it at Starrcade 1999), but Crowbar’s got possession of the belt.
- Dare I say it: normal-sounding Daffney’s kinda hot.
- Thumb wrestling, then rock-paper-scissors. And then wrestling
- A wild Miss Hancock appears. Miss Hancock was formerly Nitro Girl Skye, real name Stacy Keibler.
- Daffney with a Frankenscreamer, but only gets two.
- Crowbar is confused.
- A wild Chris Candido appears with Tammy.
- ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
- Fire thunder driver by Candido to Crowbar, and that’ll do it for Crowbar. Daffney checks on Crowbar, but Mickey Jay counts the fall and Daffney’s the one and only Cruiserweight Champion at 3:02. Seemed a lot longer than that.
- Meanwhile, Torrie gives Horace a backrub. Because why not.
- The Bookerman’s got plans for next week. Meanwhile Norman Smiley and Ralphus are washing cars for a buck.
- Kidman wants Horace. Me thinks he knows now.
- Kidman versus Horace, apparently with Torrie Wilson as guest referee is off and running.
- Hogan versus Kidman announced for Great American Bash. Hogan wins, he gets a world title match. Hogan loses, he’s retired.
- Horace with table. Torrie’s gonna let it go.
- Torrie is not on the line, apparently. If you say so, Eric.
- A wild Terry Bollea appears.
- Kidman reverses a Horace Hogan powerbomb. One does not simply powerbomb Kidman.
- Horace on table, and Ho Kogan beals Kidman off the top rope through the table that Horace lays on.
- Hulk Hogan forces Torrie to count, and Kidman wins at 4:05, though the official result is a no contest.
- More Ric Flair mock funeralness. Complete with absurdly big nose.
- WCW Hardcore Champion Terry Funk with tuxedo and cowboy boots. Apparently, his announcement is most major. Retirement, perhaps?
- Terry’s daughter Brandi is in the front row.
- If it is a retirement, it’s an excuse to put this in. Terry Funk’s first attempt to retire, way back in 1983. Terry Funk’s wrestling career: Then. Now. Forever.
- A wild Shane Douglas appears, and wants Funk to speed it along.
- Funk’s announcement: it’s a boy. He’s gonna be a grandpa. Congrats, Terry.
- Funk’s another announcement: June 1, he’s done. Brad Siegel shed a tear.
- June 1, 2001. One more year. WCW didn’t survive one more year, but Terry’s wrestling career did.
- Shane Douglas does not seem amused, and the New Blood is beating on Terry, while Funk’s daughter Brandi watches.
- Piledriver on the chair, and that’ll do it for Terry.
- And a DDT on the chair on top of it.
- And a spike piledriver. This is officially fucked up.
- Shane Douglas takes possession of the hardcore championship belt, as a stretcher awaits outside.
- Major Stash appears and he swaps buckets.
- Yes, WCW is still paying Kanyon, dumbass.
- Tony Schiavone with the Billy Madison blast.
- Ok, remember when I said Terry Funk getting dropped on his head while his daughter watches was fucked up? I take that back. Mike Awesome in a wheelchair and halo mocking Chris Kanyon is fucked up. As long as the check clears, I guess.
- Mike “The Career Killer” Awesome versus The Wall in an Ambulance versus Tables match. First person to put his opponent through a table or stuff said opponent in an ambulance and shut the door wins.
- Mike Awesome backdrops The Wall through the table. Awesome wins in just 85 seconds. This is the first match tonight to not have an in-match run-in.
- But Wall’s up. And he’s pissed.
- A wild Shane Douglas appears with lead pipe.
- A wild Diamond Dallas Page appears from the back of the ambulance, where Mike Awesome gets tossed.
- Meanwhile, The Wall is killing Shane Douglas dead.
- Literally.
- New Blood as pallbearers carrying the “coffin of Ric Flair’s career”. Big production goof: Mike Awesome and Shane Douglas appear. That’s sloppy, yo. If it said “earlier” or “earlier today”, it would be all good.
- And the Filthy Animals’ car just got a white coat of paint.
- Ok, remember when I said that whole Terry Funk and Mike Awesome thing was fucked up? This is fucked up: the “death of the career of Ric Flair”.
- Flair collapsing turned into an angle. Fucking-A, man.
- Russo sucks. And three and a half months later, he really will have the WCW world title.
- But for now, Ric Flair’s stripped of the title, and Jeff Jarrett’s got the title. Again. Third time in five weeks he’s champion. I don’t even think The Rock got to three that quick.
- A wild Kevin Nash appears from in the casket. And Nash cleans house.
- Kevin Nash has possession of the world title belt. I’m not gonna get it.
- Pamela Paulshock with a pissed-off Russo. Nash is given 45 minutes to give the belt back to Jarrett, or they’ll take it by force, no holds barred.
- Two
cheerleaders appear. Then Shikira. Then Scott Steiner, WCW
- Apparently
Scott Steiner had quite the time at
- Apparently, Scott now travels with an “asylum” now, a circular cage. Two men enter, exit occurs only when someone quits.
- Rick Steiner versus his younger
brother Scott in an Asylum match for the WCW
- Tank Abbott with bolt cutters and R&B Security.
- Tankberg. Really? Really?
- Bolt cutters didn’t work, but Tank popped Mickey Jay, and he’s got the controls, and it’s two-on-one.
- A wild Kevin Nash appears, with world title belt in hand. Title shots to Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott. Match is a no contest at 3:34.
- New interviewer Pamela Paulshock with Kevin Nash. Nash seems to approve of new interviewer Pamela. Anyways, Kevin makes a match. Jeff Jarrett versus Kevin Nash, winner gets the belt.
- Chuck Palumbo with R&B Security
and Miss Elizabeth versus Diamond
- Liz cracks five across Chuck’s face, and DDP nearly takes advantage.
- A wild Kimberly Page appears. With bat. And Kimberly with the bat to the back of Liz. Wow. That’s fucked up.
- A wild Mike Awesome appears with halo.
- Page brained with the halo, and the Torture Rack ends Page’s night at 2:58.
- Lex
Luger checks on
- Kimberly trips Lex just enough to get Luger popped in the face by Palumbo with a flexor thingie. Stretcher for Lex.
- Yup, it’s bad. Get him in the ambulance, already. Fuck.
- Kimberly blames Liz. Kim looks amazingly hot though.
- Terry Taylor with Reid Flair. Fuck, this is depressing to watch in hindsight.
- David Flair and a wild Daffney appear with one of them Bruiser Buddy thingies.
- Reid's pouring out his heart, and Terry Taylor got blasted with a figurine.
- Reid Flair with a double leg takedown. Two points, right?
- Well, now it's uncomfortable. David gutshots Reid, piefaces him, and now puts him in the figure four. Fuck, something's not right in this world if David Flair's allowed to walk the Earth and Reid's not.
- I know, Schiavone. What the fuck are you doing? You're making it real easy for people to not like you, WCW.
- And they're showing the replay. What. The. Fuck.
- Vampiro (with can of kerosene and blowtorch) takes on FUNB Hogan.
- Sting versus Vampiro in a human torch match announced for the Great American Bash. Match continues until someone burns. What the fuck were they thinking?
- Vampiro gets the jump on Hogan.
- Clusterfinishes? Not in WCW? Remember this. Quiz later.
- How does Hogan handle all these challenges? Creative control, my dude. Creative control.
- Big boot and leg drop, but Hogan does not go for the cover. Wonder if it'll come back to bite him.
- A wild Billy Kidman appears and beans Hogan with the torch in the back. Vampiro takes advantage and gets the pin at 4:45.
- Sting appears and saves Hogan's ass.
- And Sting and Hogan whips on Vampiro.
- Filthy Animals no like the new paint. Wild Misfits in Action appear. Norman Smiley runs like hell. Ralphus is down. Paging Miss Gunns.
- Hustle, Miss Gunns. It's Ralphus, who slips her the tongue. You magnificent bastard.
- Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash for the vacated WCW World Heavyweight Championship. Nash has possession of the belt, and will only give it back on the condition that he's beaten in a match.
- For the third Nitro in a row, a world title match is the main event.
- A wild Vince Russo appears with R&B Security.
- And he's the referee as Billy Silverman gets wiped out.
- I guess it's falls count anywhere. Not that it matters, since Russo won't give Nash a fair shake.
- Nash peppersprayed by Russo and stroked by Jarrett. Steiner's music played for a second for some reason, then stops.
- Then it plays again, and out comes Steiner. And he gets maced too. And handcuffed.
- Nash's had enough of their shit.
- Swing and a miss on the bloodbath as Nash was about to plant Russo with a powerbomb.
- Jarrett with the acoustic, and he wins the WCW world title for the third time in just 4:39.
- Bischoff, Russo, and Double J brag, and scene.
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