Rocktober- Day 11 (part 1)

Well, watch this, my friend.

Rocktober- Day 3

A new day of Rock stuff.

Compliment Sandwich- WWF RAW #293 (January 4, 1999)

January 4, 1999 is a day that will forever live in wrestling infamy. On that night we had a rare daily double: both the WWF and WCW world titles changed hands. In fact, the two major promotions had world title changes within ten minutes of one another. Well…not exactly. While Hulk Hogan really did win the WCW title on January 4, Mankind had won the WWF title nearly a week earlier on December 29. With this little nugget being common knowledge among wrestling fans (about as far as common knowledge among wrestling fans traveled at the time—remember, the Internet wasn’t nearly as much a thing in 1998 as it is now), Eric Bischoff looked to pounce on the competition to get people to leave their TVs on Nitro and not flip to RAW. His idea, which had worked in the past: give away the results of the taped RAW.

Except this one time it was very different. Tony Schiavone, ever the good soldier, gave away the result of the forthcoming, yet already taped, WWF Championship match:

“If you’re even thinking about changing the channel to our competition fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their world title. Whoa! That’s gonna put some butts in the seats. Heh.”

That one time was very different because Nielsen metrics showed as many as 600,000 viewers who were actually watching Nitro at the time, tuned into RAW to see said world title change. Many of those people tuned back to Nitro at 11pm (see, with a taped show, there’s no threat of running overtime), and those people tuned into see their world title change via the infamous Fingerpoke of Doom. At the time of the announced title change, Nitro had been winning the head-to-head ratings battle for the night. They gave it away—literally—when they gave away the Mick Foley win. The rest is history.

So what’s going on in the WWF at the time?

Well, a few weeks earlier, all signs pointed to Mankind being Vince McMahon’s handpicked world champion when at Survivor Series: Deadly Game it was revealed that he was catfished and The Rock was Vince’s corporate champion. At Rock Bottom, Mankind had knocked out The Rock via Mandible Claw and should have been WWF Champion, but McMahon again intervened stating that The Rock was neither pinned nor made to submit so the title does not change hands.

Stone Cold Steve Austin, also catfished at Survivor Series, had to fight his way back into title contention. His first major hurdle was to beat The Undertaker in a Buried Alive match to get in the Royal Rumble, which he did. Austin has not been seen since that night because he’s on the DL.

The Corporation and D-Generation X are looking for ways to kill one another. Or at least antagonize one another.

Chyna and Mark Henry may or may not be dating.

And Shawn Michaels has just been fired as WWF commissioner for letting Shane McMahon take a beatdown and holding the Corporation back, but not before HBK kicks Vince in the face on the way out.

Your champions (at the time of the January 4 broadcast):

·         WWF Champion: The Rock

·         WWF Intercontinental Champion: Ken Shamrock

·         WWF European Champion: X-Pac

·         WWF Hardcore Champion: “Road Dogg” Jesse James

·         WWF Tag Team Champions: Big Boss Man and Ken Shamrock

·         WWF Womens Champion: Sable

So, if you’re scoring at home, the Corporation and DX hold every belt but one. Make no mistake: they are the featured story in WWF at the time, and it’ll play an awful big part in this episode. With that, let’s try and actually say some not nice things about the January 4, 1999 episode of RAW is WAR. Between some nice things of course.

• I’ve always loved the WWF Attitude signature.
• A career retrospective for Shawn Michaels to start, voiced over by Kevin Kelley.
• We interrupt this career retrospective to bring you RAW is WAR.
• Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on the call.
• Holy shit, there are a lotta bodies in the Corporation. One thing I don’t miss: ginormous stables.
• McMahon threatens that if Shawn Michaels shows up, he’ll be dismembered.
• Crowd at the Worcester Centrum seems unamused.
• Shawn Michaels arrives. Does the dismembering begin now?
• I guess it does.
• Shawn’s got backup…and it’s D-Generation X. Holy shit. It done just got real.
• Shawn’s contract is ironclad. He collects a paycheck until he resigns.
• President wasn’t lousy in retrospect. He was in office for the biggest economic boom in the history of the world.
• Almost forgot about this: Shane and Vince McMahon drawing Stone Cold Steve Austin’s number for the Rumble on the previous RAW. Austin was “drawn” #1, Vince #30, though he was hoping for #2.
• Shawn gives Vince his wish. Vince McMahon will enter the Royal Rumble #2.
• A stone cold crazy surprise. Gee, I wonder what that means.
• Wait… did we really need D-Generation X for this segment? It seemed unnecessary.
• And now the wrestling portion of the program. Ken Shamrock vs. Steve Blackman in a non-title match. The two will beef off and on until Shamrock leaves the WWF in the fall of 1999.
• A wild Dan Severn appears. Still with a broken freaking neck. There was never a proper blowoff between Shamrock and Severn, was it? It would have been amazeballs. I mean, amazeballs for 1999.
• I know UFC was the butt of jokes back in the day, but did you ever imagine a world where UFC PPVs would kill WWE’s offerings in buyrates on the regular?
• Billy Gunn with the Fameasser. Ref didn’t see it, of course, as he’s looking at Dan Severn. Blackman with the upset win at 3:26. Even in 1999, champions were jobbing in non-title matches.
• Gunn and Shamrock are fighting to the death.
• A wild Mankind appears. Unscheduled.
• Mankind apparently discovered himself in the previous two weeks: he enjoyed grabbing Pat Patterson’s balls, he said “suck it” without saying please, and he likes to kick McMahon family ass. Whatever ripes your melons, I guess, Mick.
• Mankind wants one more go at the WWF Championship at the Royal Rumble. He’s got a case; he did beat The Rock at Rock Bottom.
• Foley is God. Or good. Whateves.
• Yes, you can say ass, Mick.
• The Corporate team is not right behind you, Vince. If we can’t see them, they’re not there.
• Foley as WWF Champion stains the WWF? Tell Mick how you really feel, Vince.
• Mankind likes that roar. Not sure how he feels about this roar though.
• Vince, it’s Mankind this week. And if falling off a cage and getting a tooth stuck up your nose isn’t paying dues, I don’t know what is.
• So… I guess that’s a no on the rematch.
• Mankind vs. Triple H for a Royal Rumble match spot later. Shane McMahon will be the referee.
• “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry. He hearts Chyna. Mark Henry will face Goldust. Henry is only the second most perverted man in the ring. That in and of itself is an upset.
• PMS (Pretty Mean Sistas) was a thing once.
• Sushi-X sign in the fifth or six row. For some inexplicable reason, a Sushi-X sign appeared at every RAW for about two years.
• If McMahon’s so smart, why he give Shawn Michaels an ironclad contract? Just saying.
• A wild Chyna appears. With a friend.
• Goldust through the uprights and into Mark Henry’s groin area. Mark Henry with the DQ win at 3:44, though the bell never rings.
• Chyna, of course Mark Henry’s hurt. He just got kicked in the junk. It hurts like hell. I thought Chyna would be aware of such matters. Fuck.
• Um… duh, Chyna. Mark’s a fattie. 400 pounds.
• Chyna’s friend, Sammy. I believe Chyna has proposed a threesome. And Mark Henry faints. (Later, it was revealed that sweet Jesus, Sammy has a penis.)
• And on this day, Jesse Ventura is inaugurated as the Governor of Minnesota.
• And he had a home video release.
• Dennis Knight… hanging out. Creppy.
• Godfather versus Test up next. I believe this is his in-ring debut. He debuted on Sunday Night Heat the previous October as a bodyguard for Motley Crue.
• Hogan leg drop by Godfather gets a near fall. Brother.
• A wild Val Venis appears. That’s three out of three matches a wild someone appears.
• Double countout at 1:59, and it’s on. Val Venis is looking to murderdeathkill Test.
• D-Generation X…chatting. Looks like they’ve kissed and made up.
• Triple H versus Mankind with Shane McMahon as special referee up next. Winner is in the Royal Rumble. Triple H with robo-Chyna. Shane did referee in a past life, by the way.
• Mankind deserves to be shot? Wow, Lawler. How do you really feel?
• The Corporate Fan in the fifth row. That’s nice.
• We can hear it pretty clear if he does. I’m not saying it’s pindrop quiet, but you can most definitely hear it.
• Shane McMahon fast counts Mankind down. Triple H wins and gets a place in the Rumble at 2:57.
• Fuck, even in 1999, Triple H goes all about “business”.
• Surprise motherfucker. Triple H pedigrees Shane McMahon. Protect yourself at all times. Because reasons. And so Mankind can kill Shane again.
• Mankind with the Rings of Saturn on Shane. Or something. He’s gonna break that shoulder. He sounds kinda serious.
• Mankind wants a title match tonight or Shane gets that arm snapped.
• Vince agrees. Not good enough.
• No disqualification, and Vince agrees. Mankind challenges The Rock for the WWF Championship later.
• A wild Rock appears. He’s pissed. And he’s not ready. But he had to, Rock. Shane was gonna lose his arm, bro.
• Edge versus D-Lo Brown next. Edge coming through the masses. D-Lo Brown, apparently back from Aruba. Edge looks like he’s got his rape face on.
• Was D-Lo Brown really gonna chokeslam Edge?
• Edge with some serious hangtime on the cross body to the outside.
• It’s not a long shot. It’s 50-50 for Mankind to win the WWF title. Steiner math, yo.
• Running powerbomb could have gotten three if he didn’t take a moment to admire his work, D-Lo.
• Oh… the infamous Terri pregnancy angle. Yeah. I’m gonna skip this. By the way, match is a no contest at 4:57. I so hate the lost baby angle. Fucking Russo.
• Kane (with shameless plug for the Brisco Brothers Body Shop), Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and Shane McMahon with bum arm appear. It is changed to an impromptu match: Kane versus the stooges with Shane McMahon as referee.
• Vince McMahon is all like, “Kane. Sick balls.”
• It’s apparently “Kill Shane McMahon Night” on RAW. Vince talks Kane out of it under threat of going back to the insane asylum.
• Though Vince declares Kane the winner, it’s officially a no contest.
• Dennis Knight…still hanging out. The Acolytes tell Dennis that he’s ready.
• Road Dogg versus Al Snow for the Hardcore Championship up next. Don’t look at the head… too late. Al Snow catches the champion by surprise.
• 30 seconds in, a table appearance.
• Speaking of Al Snow, he’s in a blood-stained shirt. He got blood bathed two weeks prior.
• Al Snow moonsaults a table. Not effective offense. Just saying.
• Road Dogg hiptosses Al Snow through a table. That’s two tables down if you’re scoring at home.
• It’s becoming a backstage brawl in WWE ’13. Wonder if they based the backstage arena on this building.
• Holy shit, they’re in the snow.
• Piledriver onto a box. And that’ll do it. Road Dogg wins. In the snow. At 8:38, it’s by far the longest match of the night so far. It’s also the first match on the show with a clean finish.
• Road Dogg takes his rightful victory lap. That’s awesome. And it’s sensible because goddamn, it’s cold out there.
• Dennis Knight… deposited in a room somewhere while the Acolytes stand guard outside.
• Shawn Michaels done got dismembered by the Corporation.
• One can’t grieve forever, I suppose. The Rock versus Mankind for the WWF Championship in a no disqualification match. Challenger Mankind out with D-Generation X first. The Rock, clearly in the same clothes he was in earlier in the hour, out with the Corporation. At ringside: Billy Gunn, Chyna, Road Dogg, Triple H, X-Pac, Kane, Ken Shamrock, Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon, Test, and Big Bossman. That’s eleven people ringside. It might as well be a lumberjack match.
• Match’s not gonna end up in a wild schmozz like the other league. Foreshadowing, perhaps?
• At 1:26:20, we get our first appearance of Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler in this episode.
• Rock Bottom through the announce table. Of course.
• Comparing being the WWF Champion to being the Yankees center fielder or Cowboys quarterback. Um… okay.
• Corporate Elbow gets two.
• Mankind still has his old JOB Squad shirt. Didn’t realize that until now.
• Title shot from The Rock to Mankind’s face. Only two.
• Mankind with a double arm DDT, belt slips.
• A wild Socko appears. And it’s nap time for Rocky.
• Shamrock with a chair. Billy Gunn bumrushes Shamrock. It’s a zoo.
• Glass breaks. Oh wait. Now it’s a zoo. Stone Cold’s here. Holy shit, listen to that pop.
• Austin with a chair to Rock’s face.
• Mankind placed on top and at 8:48 is the new WWF Champion, much to the delight of the crowd.
• Oh, he can, and he did. Who knew a guy that once slept on the floors of Motel 6’s and in his Ford Fairmount and was once clotheslined so hard he couldn’t eat solid food for weeks would be the man that essentially delivered the killing blow in the Monday Night Wars?
• Yep, the man with the tattered shirt, a sweaty mask, and a sock puppet is the #1 man in the WWF.
• Mick Foley takes a well-deserved victory lap as the scene fades.

For the record, RAW got a 5.8 rating that night. Nitro began with a 5.6, but nearly lost a full point following the dead giveaway, but got back to 5.0 thanks to the Fingerpoke of Doom overrun. At the time, it was the largest combined audience for Monday night wrestling ever. If you paid attention through the episode, they were teasing something pretty big for Mankind throughout the night. While the episode is an all-time classic (it will be a part of the RAW 20^th Anniversary box set), most of the show is essentially filler. The meat comes in the last 30 minutes with the two title matches.  

Now, gonna try something new: things I liked and didn’t like in chart and/or graph form.

LIKE	The signature. I miss the hell out of it.
DIDN’T LIKE	The opening segment, which outside of the actual “dismemberment” of Shawn Michaels, meant nothing. There was actually a plan for a Shawn Michaels-Triple H match at Wrestlemania XV, but as Michaels needed to go under the knife, never came to fruition.
LIKE	The hardcore match. Yeah, these days it may be a little tough to watch given what we know about concussions and all, but this little nugget was a fun watch and is well deserved a place on the greatest RAW matches ever list. Not a top 10 or 25, mind you, but if you go to 50, sure.
DIDN’T LIKE	The pregnancy angle. So much hate for that angle. Fuck Vince Russo and whoever was the brains behind it.
LIKE	Hostile Mankind. He’s been catfished, had the WWF title taken away from him, and has had enough of the McMahon’s shit. So of course the next logical step was to take someone hostage.
DIDN’T LIKE	The fact they never explained the entire episode why Shawn Michaels decided to reunite with D-Generation X.
LIKE	Edge. Even in 1999, you knew this guy was gonna be a big deal if he could put it together. And he did.
DIDN’T LIKE	Creepy Edge rape face.
LIKE	The absolutely insane pop Stone Cold Steve Austin got, even though the whole building knew he was showing up at some point.
DIDN’T LIKE	That only one match had a clean finish. And it was the hardcore title match. But this was a sign of the times back then.
LIKE	Mick Foley getting his moment in the sun.

Compliment Sandwich: RAW 9/16/13

Full disclosure: I quit on RAW a little after 10pm last night, so I didn't watch the final hour (and by the final hour, I mean the main event) until this morning. Anyways, here goes the compliment sandwich: things I didn't like sandwiched between things I did.

·         I love…LOVE…Daniel Bryan Danielson, WWE Champion. Yes, I’m fully aware this moment’s gonna get ruined in about 20 minutes, but screw it: Daniel Bryan woke up Monday morning as WWE Champion. He’s the only person in the world that could say that. Worshippers of the First Church of Daniel Bryan Danielson were LOUD last night.

·         So of course I hated that it only took eleven minutes for Daniel Bryan to be stripped of said WWE Championship. I understand why they did it—long-term storytelling and all—but damn, it kinda felt like it had your heart ripped out didn’t it? At least the plates exist for Bryan. (Bonus hate: since Punk’s 434 day run ended eight months ago, the WWE Championship has changed hands six times.)

·         Here’s an interesting nugget: The next time Daniel Bryan holds the WWE Championship, he’ll be tied for tenth all time in WWE title reigns with three. That will give him more reigns than Diesel, Ultimate Warrior, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, Andre the Giant, Bruno Sammartino, Bob Backlund, Randy Savage, CM Punk, Yokozuna, The Big Show, Batista, and Ric Flair.

·         I liked that it took only eleven minutes to get the obvious out of the way. Many people knew Daniel Bryan wasn’t going to finish the night as WWE Champion, so why dick around it. I also liked that EVIL COO H and EVIL RANDY ORTON, CAREER KILLER (more on that later) needed to pry it out of his cold dead hands.

·         So… no WWE Champion. Nope. Don’t like. How long until we fill that in?

·         And how for that matter?

·         And how does Scott Armstrong play into all this? There’s a conspiracy afoot. C-O-N…SPIRACY.

·         And your ether of the night goes to EVIL BITCH Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque. Stephanie telling Randy Orton, career killer to go find career killer Randy Orton because this Randy Orton don’t deserve to be WWE Champion was glorious. I like.

·         Dolph Ziggler’s from Cleveland? Didn't know that.

·         I feel the need to mention this: I hate Big Show crying like a bitch. In fact, the whole “Big Show is broke” storyline is bullshit. Any knucklehead (no pun intended) with an Internet connection and about two minutes with Google can tell you Big Show is not only not broke, but he’ll practically be swimming in dough long after he goes in the grave.

·         Ok, the part where Big Show cried like a bitch because he had to kill Dusty Rhodes dead: I like that. At least at that point it was appropriate. Because, you know, he might have killed Dusty Rhodes dead and Big Show may have to find a safe house or something because he might be wanted for murder.

·         I can’t believe I’m saying this: I kinda like EVIL BITCH Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque. Making a father choose between his two sons? And sicking The Shield on him because he couldn’t make said choice? Then sicking The Crying Bitch on him? Fuck, if that isn’t evil bitch territory, I don’t know what is.

·         Her theme though: HATE. HATE. HATE. Bring back “My Time” if we can’t bring back “All Grown Up”. “Welcome to the Queendom” is AWFUL.

·         I also hate that Total Divas has done more harm to the divas division than good. Yeah, it brought attention to it, for about a month. Now I’m back to not giving a shit.

·         Ok, not entirely true. I care about AJ, because she’s awesome. I kinda sorta care about Natalya and Kaitlyn. The rest of the clan, Bellas included, can fuck off. Bring in Paige and Emma already. Hell, bring in Ric Flair’s kid and Bailey.

·         I will never understand the purpose of jobbing a Money in the Bank winner after he wins said briefcase. I asked my friends last night if Damien Sandow has won a match since winning the case. None of my friends said yes. Why should I believe he’ll be world champion, much less be a successful one?

·         Better question: why is there still more than one floating around? Make it just one case next year and have both champions having to look over their shoulders at the same time.

·         Yeah, there’s a conspiracy afoot. EVIL COO H “lets Scott Armstrong go”. He’ll be “taken care of” with a “nice severance package”. Ok, hip-hop. I love this storyline. Layers, my dudes. Layers. Question is how far up—or how far down—does the conspiracy really go.

·         Randy Orton, career killer is back. Orton kills Mike Mizanin while his family watches. Love, love, love.

·         If this happened anywhere but Cleveland, people would cheer the shit out of this. I’m sorry, but it’s a fact. The Miz is not exactly likable.

·         I will hate the fact that Paul Heyman will go to his grave with a pinfall victory over CM Punk. I like Paul Heyman. Hell, I love Paul Heyman. I mean, not in the way Paul Heyman loves Ryback (or vice versa, not that there’s anything wrong with that), but still, he’s made significant contributions to the wrestling business. But this bug-eyed fat walrus should not be walking the Earth with a win over CM Punk. EVER.

·         I hate that we’re getting Punk-Ryback again. Because that worked out so well for you last year. Hell, it was Ryback that put CM Punk on the shelf during the holidays and had him nearly stripped of the WWE Championship just as he was running down John Cena’s modern record.

·         Fuck Ryback.

·         More Wyatt World Order promos please. Thanks. Love these things.

·         Two championship reigns totaling less than one day is not progress. I like JBL, heel commentator, but stop making shit up. You’re as bad as the rest of them.

·         EVIL RANDY ORTON IS EVIL AS FUCK. Even has EVIL CHAIR SITTING POSTURE. It’s brilliant.

·         Why am I watching a replay of the end of last night’s match? There’s a match in progress. Hate that.

·         By the way, that fast count: that’s a normal count in the original ECW. If you can’t kick out of an ECW three count, you can’t kick out of a WWE three count. That’s a fact.

·         Still doesn't change the fact that Randy Orton got a knee RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE.

·         Holy shit! Uprising, you guys!

·         Kingston still killed dead with a GORE! GORE! GORE!

·         Knees to eyeballs, Seth. Seth Rollins died there.

·         And the church said Amen. Yeah, people are gonna be punished for this, but fuck it. People are rallying around Daniel Bryan. And he finished Monday Night RAW upright. For once. Love that.

Summary: A RAW without John Cena, CM Punk, Sheamus, and Alberto Del Rio, and it was actually good? I approve of this. A thousand times this. 

RAW Bowl: Proof That Football And Wrestling Don't Mix

Last fall, an episode of Monday Night RAW garnered a 2.5 rating. At the time, that episode was the least-watched non-holiday RAW since 1997. Amazingly, WWE managed to break through the floor. Twice.  Granted, the second of the two occurred on a holiday. But as bad as ratings were around this time last year, just remember: once upon a time they were worse.

A September 1995 episode of RAW did a 1.9. So did a March 1997 RAW episode. The one in March, taking place in Berlin, Germany, was so poorly received, that the next week, RAW got a makeover and became RAW is WAR. (Such a shame really. The 200^th episode special was a pretty stacked card, including the European Championship final that is absolutely the tits.) If a 1.9 rating for what was a classic episode couldn't produce drastic change, then why couldn't this episode of RAW do the same? Well, boys and girls, travel with me if you will to 1996.

No, no, not the awesome summer of 1996, the summer of Austin 3:16 and the New World Order. I mean the beginning of 1996, where we’re still trying to recover from the hangover that was 1995. 1995: the year of the Dungeon of Doom, Diesel not drawing flies, Duke the Dumpster, and dreadful wrestling. The two big wrestling feds were dealing with clique problems: the WWF with Shawn Michaels and friends having pretty much their run of the place, and WCW with Hulk Hogan and his BFFs taking over their programming.

Oh, and in its infancy was the Monday Night Wars. Give Eric Bischoff and the people running WCW at the time credit. They were raising the bar in what could be done on a free wrestling show. Case in point: the opening match on the January 1 Nitro was Arn Anderson vs. Randy Savage. And the main event: Ric Flair defending the WCW World Heavyweight Championship against Hulk Hogan. WWF’s offering was in the can for two weeks (which kinda sorta made sense because, you know, the holidays). But when that can was opened, we were treated to one of the lower points in WWF history. Strap on your helmets, fans. Because in the spirit of football season, it’s RAW BOWL time.

--

The first (and as it turned out, only) RAW Bowl aired on January 1, 1996, but was taped two Mondays prior from the Bob Carpenter Center at the University of Delaware. The main hook (and bulk of) the show was its football-themed four corners elimination tag team match, with the winner taking home the Lombardi Trophy presented by The Brooklyn Brawler (real name: Steve Lombardi). So, like nearly every post-season college football bowl game, nothing more than bragging rights were at stake. And like college football, the champions were pretty much predetermined (this, by the way, was during the Bowl Alliance era, a precursor to the Bowl Championship Series. This was back in the era where there was no one-game winner-take-all season ender.)

The football clichés were on full blast here. I’ll try and keep track of them all here. Anyways, the main selling point of this “special episode” was a four corners tag team match, and in keeping with the football theme, all the participants were wearing jerseys. Also of note, this show marked the debut of the infamous “Billionaire Ted” skits and had quite the surprise announcement as to who would be in the Royal Rumble match.

Thankfully, since this show is from 1996, it’s only an hour, about 48 minutes if you do away with ads and such. Can I say anything nice about a football-themed WWF show?

• And less than a minute in, I’ve already lost count. But here’s what I’ve caught: pregame crowd outside the building, band, cheerleaders, a homecoming queen, sideline reporters. That’s not counting the three or four clichés Carnival Barker Vince McMahon was spouting.
• Oh, and we get a Diesel vs. Mabel match in this episode. I’m in full hate mode already. If you need an explanation, I simply refer to their bout at Summerslam 1995 as evidence.
• And a Jim Ross crack: “Jumbo Jim”. Even in the mid-90s, Vinnie Mac couldn’t resist taking jabs at Ross. Fuck.
• Yeah, it wasn’t the Orange Bowl, which featured Florida State rallying from 12 down in the fourth quarter earlier in the day to beat Notre Dame. It certainly wasn’t the Fiesta Bowl played the next night, where top-ranked Nebraska curb stomped second-ranked Florida to the tune of 62-24. No, it wasn’t either of those classics by any stretch.
• Vin McMahon and Jerry Musburgerking on the call. Vince McMahon will have more negative things said about him today than Vin Scully will in his entire life. That’s a fact. And Jerry Musburgerking? What the hell is this, a Wheel of Fortune puzzle?
• Lawler in a Cleveland Browns jersey is still sad, even today. The 1995 Browns started 3-1, then lost nine of their next ten games before finishing the year 5-11. During their 1-9 run, it was announced the Browns would relocate to Balitmore, where they’ve been much more successful since.
• The tag team champions out first, tearing through the banner, the Smoking Gunns. Billy Gunn wearing #38, Bart Gunn wearing #45. Because they’re guns. Get it? Jam an icepick into my retina. BTW: the tag belts are not on the line in this four corners elimination tag match.
• Out next is the team that beat them for the belts at Wrestlemania XI (and would beat a few months later), Owen Hart (#1…well, because he thinks he is) and Yokozuna (#641…well, because he’s fat.)
• Brother Love leading a locker room prayer. Because bringing a guy who’s three shades redder than red back is good for business.
• Razor Ramon (#4 for the number of times he’s been WWF Intercontinental Champion, at the time a record) and Savio Vega (Uno because… yeah, nevermind. Fucking WWF.) out next.
• Goldust’s usher handing out flowers. Razor no like flowers. A wild Goldust appears.
• 1-2-3 Kid (#123 because… 1-2-3) and Sycho Sid (#00 because reasons) with Ted Dibiase out last. The Kid and Sid. Apparently they’re a six and a half point favorites. Really? The tag champs (and the former tag champs) are in this match and they’re the favorites? Steiner math thinks that’s ridiculous.
• Rules because there have to be: two in at a time. When one member of the team is beat for any reason, the whole team leaves. Each team can stop the match once for a timeout. Anyone can tag anyone else, but physical contact must be made before tagging out to someone else.
• Earl Hebner in football referee gear this evening.
• Owen Hart tags in Billy Gunn. They must engage.
• And they engage for a bit, then they simultaneously tag Owen and Yokozuna. Engage, Owen.
• Yeah, how did ya think that was gonna go, Owen? He’s fat.
• Savio Vega in. Yeah, not going too well for Savio.
• 1-2-3 Kid in with Savio Vega.
• A wild Goldust appears. The football clichés keep coming.
• Owen Hart back in, 1-2-3 Kid out.
• Razor Ramon in.
• Lawler sitting with the RAW Bowl queen, whom we find out is someone named Ashley.
• A couple tags and Sycho Sid is in. Shit done got real.
• Dirty old man Jerry Lawler is dirty old man.
• Bart Gunn done blowed up Sid.
• Brother Love with another pre-game locker room prayer. The match is well in progress, guy.
• You know what conference Sid is from? The WAC. The Western Athletic Conference? No, the wack. Because he’s wacko. Hey-o.
• Savio with a barrel roll and Razor Ramon is in with his former/future BFF 1-2-3 Kid.
• Kid calls timeout. Razor does not care. Hebner throws the flag.
• Sid with a blow to the back as play resumes, and Razor and Savio are out. Savio wanted timeout, but no dice. Hebner never saw it.
• Gunns 100-1 to win the RAW Bowl? Think I better call my bookie.
• Some would argue the most prestigious trophy in sports is the Stanley Cup, but to each his own.
• Billy Gunn is swinging on everybody.
• Fat Yokozuna is fat. Billy Gunn is moved and Owen Hart gets crushed, and is pinned by Billy. Yokozuna wanted timeout, but for the second time, Hebner misses it. Owen and Yokozuna are out.
• Diesel vs. Mabel later. Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little bit.
• Sid with a near fall on the Hogan leg drop.
• Sid with a one-handed chokeslam.
• Ashley’s still there? Oh, there she is.
• Dibiase distracts the ref, Kid goes up top, Razor pushes Kid off, sending him to Sid, and Billy picks up the scraps. The Smoking Gunns win the RAW Bowl.
• Creepy Jerry Lawler is still creepy.
• Shawn Michaels press conference scheduled for the following Monday.
• RAW Bowl halftime report presented by Wrigley’s with Dok Hendrix. Fastest two minutes in sports, I guess.
• Bret Hart vs. Undertaker for the WWF title announced. Bret Hart compared to the Nebraska Cornhuskers, Undertaker compared to the Florida Gators. Hart-Taker was a lot closer than Nebraska-Florida. Just saying.
• Highlights of the In Your House match between Henry Godwinn and Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Yeah, I’ll pass.
• Fat King Mabel is fat. This man won a King of the Ring and main evented a Summerslam once. About a decade later he got to make out with Lilian Garcia. I hate him.
• Brother Love still leading a prayer. RAW Bowl is over.
• Diesel out next.
• Oh, and RAW Queen Ashley is still there.
• Wow. Quick eight second squash of Mabel. Mabel would be out of the WWF three weeks later.
• Jackknife powerbomb to Mo. Diesel is in full “Diesel’s had enough of your shit” mode.
• Diesel is still a ladies man. Bitches love Diesel. It was a really good year for Diesel.
• It’s a Brisk Tea bath for the Brooklyn Brawler.
• The Vader package, albeit brief, was pretty damn awesome (not to mention a bit of a jaw dropper for many wrestling fans).
• There’s also the premiere of the Billionaire Ted skits, and that’s that.

So was it the one of the worst RAWs ever? Well, yes. And no. It depends on how you viewed the episode. If you were looking at as a pure wrestling program for good matches and storyline advancement, then you’ll likely hate the episode. As a standalone RAW, it’s okay. The four team tag match was pretty decent. The extra fluff was what it was. The football puns and creepy Jerry Lawler being creepy will likely grind your gears. But this was a holiday episode, and the WWE, even back then, doesn’t try hard over the holidays.

And now the most stunning fact from this night (other than the fact that Shawn Michaels did retire the following week, only to take it back at the Royal Rumble two weeks later and win the thing): the RAW Bowl, taped two weeks earlier, narrowly beat Nitro with a Hogan-Flair main event done live 2.6 to 2.5. Why change when you don’t have to? That answer would come that summer.

So, remember kids, appreciate the wrestling product you have now. It could easily be much worse. It could be mid-90s WWF. Or worse, it could be TNA.

And that football and wrestling don't mix. 

Compliment Sandwich: RAW 8/19/13

Haven’t done one in a hot minute, so let’s get to it: good and bad things about last night's RAW in alternating fashion.

• Let’s get this out of the way: I love… love… LOVE angry Daniel Bryan. Angry Daniel Bryan is the best Daniel Bryan, and…holy shit, guys, he went in HARD on Stephanie McMahon. In his first segment as the #1 babyface in WWE, D-Bry did well for himself. He’s no B+, my man, my woman. He’s an A with two pluses, minimum. Side nugget: remember that time when WWE had nearly every top star out at the same time for about two months in 2001? Or when Smackdown had nearly every top star out at once in 2007? That’s sorta where WWE is right now. If D-Bry gets hurt, WWE’s in deep shit. That brings me to this…
• I hate that I have to have been subjected to John Cena’s elbow to start RAW. I can’t unsee that. Thanks, USA Network. Speaking of that elbow…
• I like that John Cena’s gonna go away for a while. No, this isn’t Cena hate talking. This is a guy that hasn’t had a lot of off time, and he and his character BOTH need it. I don’t wish injury on anyone, but the injury couldn’t have come at a better time for Cena…or worse for USA. Holy shit, they’re gonna get slaughtered when football season comes.
• Seriously though: never show that elbow again. EVER.
• I hate what has become of Sin Cara. He was Triple H’s first signee back in 2010, and holy shit, has this dude flopped. And Sin Cara himself has to share in the blame. In three years, he’s spent about half of it on the DL, and when he is available, he has by many accounts not acclimated himself to the WWE style (nor his co-workers). His dislocated finger(s) may be the final straw for the man formerly known as Mistico.
• I may be the in the minority, but I like the pairing of Ricardo Rodriguez and Rob Van Dam. Yeah, I and all of America were expecting Rey Mysterio, but I guess this will have to do. Maybe this leads to the return of Mysterio down the line, because we know RVD’s not winning this feud. Ricardo’s back though, so it’s cool.
• Los Matadores are Epico and Primo, repackaged? I so do not like. Tell me, WWE, how has the repackaging of Joe Hennig worked out for you? Speaking of which…
• CM Punk going all “and you shut up, fat boy!” on some fat dude in the front row is awesome. I love that. Know what I also loved? Punk murdering the shit out of Curtis Axel. He has mattered for like two weeks total. And that includes his time as Michael McGillicutty.
• Anything involving Total Divas gets an automatic hate. Period. A new crop of divas cannot come fast enough.
• I love the GORE! GORE! GOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEEE! from Roman Reigns. And I love Dolph Ziggler’s selling of said gore. It’s not a spear when Roman does it, and I will not refer to it as such.
• I hate that The Shield had to go twice last night. Hate it because two-thirds of The Shield are potentially hurt. Seth Rollins banged his knee pretty hard, and Roman Reigns, himself on the business end of a GORE from Big Show, practically liquefied his insides.
• Though the trio bringing down the hammer of justice (that’s what I call that three-man powerbomb) on Big Show is always awesome looking. Like that.
• Should have mentioned this earlier: I hate pantsuit Stephanie McMahon. It’s like her only outfit now on WWE programming. If you’re gonna be a heel, (a) get some new wardrobe, and (b) slut it up a little. There’s a way to make it work in PG WWE. Figure that shit out.
• Bray Wyatt referring to himself as the new face of fear? I like that, though if some combination of the Yet-tay, a dead Avalanche, Kevin Sullivan, and Ed “The Butcher” Leslie walk through that door with you, we’re gonna have to fight, okay? Thanks. Side nugget: people are clapping along to his theme song. It’s gonna be sing along in about two months.
• For about a year, I blasted Tensai on Twitter every time he came on my television. Guy was stealing money. That honor as of now goes to Wade Barrett, pit fighter. He’s done nothing of significance since getting his elbow blowed out. I hate this guy is on my TV.
• I did like, however, they paired him with two other wastes of time in the same segment: Fandango and The Miz, which, by the way, came off the heels of a 3MB versus Usos match. Remember when the Usos were a thing? Viewer dropoff’s gonna be huge, ya’ll. That leg drop from Fandango was the truth, though.
• I hate the Corporate Shield. It pretty much goes against the purpose of why they came to WWE in the first place. Just saying.
• I like heel COO H. And heel Randy Orton, dream killer (Christian, Chris Benoit, and Daniel Bryan’s first title runs all ended at the hands of Randy Orton). I also liked that they actually took a moment to explain why the two are paired up with the McMahons proper.
• What, COO H? You didn’t do it for The Rock? DO. NOT. LIKE. If you didn’t do it for The Rock, you did it wrong. Fuck you, Triple H.
• I like Daniel Bryan, little scrapper. After getting his ass handed to by The Shield, and handing them said ass, Daniel Bryan, with what little strength he had left, finally made it to the ring, only to get the business end of an RKO.
• Fuck it. I hated that ending. That shit depressed me. It also depresses me that about 75% of all RAWs from here to Wrestlemania 30 will end like that. But it’s necessary. If you’re gonna sell the underdog/redemption story, said underdog has to get his shit kicked in. A lot.

So we now have the storyline that will carry us through at least football season: Daniel Bryan as a man alone against the WWE machine. And he literally is a man alone. John Cena and Sheamus are likely out for the remainder of the year, meaning he’ll be the babyface flagbearer. We’ll find out sooner rather than later whether WWE can ride with Daniel Bryan long-term. More importantly, we’ll find out if fans have the patience to stick out the ride through its ups and many, many, many downs.

P.S. Notice how WWE made absolutely no mention of Darren Young coming out last week? I like that. I purposefully did that for this compliment sandwich. Plus the Primetime Players were taking on the Real Americans. Sorry, but Jack Swagger’s a reason to change the channel.