Compliment Sandwich: RAW 9/16/13

Full disclosure: I quit on RAW a little after 10pm last night, so I didn't watch the final hour (and by the final hour, I mean the main event) until this morning. Anyways, here goes the compliment sandwich: things I didn't like sandwiched between things I did.

·         I love…LOVE…Daniel Bryan Danielson, WWE Champion. Yes, I’m fully aware this moment’s gonna get ruined in about 20 minutes, but screw it: Daniel Bryan woke up Monday morning as WWE Champion. He’s the only person in the world that could say that. Worshippers of the First Church of Daniel Bryan Danielson were LOUD last night.

·         So of course I hated that it only took eleven minutes for Daniel Bryan to be stripped of said WWE Championship. I understand why they did it—long-term storytelling and all—but damn, it kinda felt like it had your heart ripped out didn’t it? At least the plates exist for Bryan. (Bonus hate: since Punk’s 434 day run ended eight months ago, the WWE Championship has changed hands six times.)

·         Here’s an interesting nugget: The next time Daniel Bryan holds the WWE Championship, he’ll be tied for tenth all time in WWE title reigns with three. That will give him more reigns than Diesel, Ultimate Warrior, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, Andre the Giant, Bruno Sammartino, Bob Backlund, Randy Savage, CM Punk, Yokozuna, The Big Show, Batista, and Ric Flair.

·         I liked that it took only eleven minutes to get the obvious out of the way. Many people knew Daniel Bryan wasn’t going to finish the night as WWE Champion, so why dick around it. I also liked that EVIL COO H and EVIL RANDY ORTON, CAREER KILLER (more on that later) needed to pry it out of his cold dead hands.

·         So… no WWE Champion. Nope. Don’t like. How long until we fill that in?

·         And how for that matter?

·         And how does Scott Armstrong play into all this? There’s a conspiracy afoot. C-O-N…SPIRACY.

·         And your ether of the night goes to EVIL BITCH Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque. Stephanie telling Randy Orton, career killer to go find career killer Randy Orton because this Randy Orton don’t deserve to be WWE Champion was glorious. I like.

·         Dolph Ziggler’s from Cleveland? Didn't know that.

·         I feel the need to mention this: I hate Big Show crying like a bitch. In fact, the whole “Big Show is broke” storyline is bullshit. Any knucklehead (no pun intended) with an Internet connection and about two minutes with Google can tell you Big Show is not only not broke, but he’ll practically be swimming in dough long after he goes in the grave.

·         Ok, the part where Big Show cried like a bitch because he had to kill Dusty Rhodes dead: I like that. At least at that point it was appropriate. Because, you know, he might have killed Dusty Rhodes dead and Big Show may have to find a safe house or something because he might be wanted for murder.

·         I can’t believe I’m saying this: I kinda like EVIL BITCH Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque. Making a father choose between his two sons? And sicking The Shield on him because he couldn’t make said choice? Then sicking The Crying Bitch on him? Fuck, if that isn’t evil bitch territory, I don’t know what is.

·         Her theme though: HATE. HATE. HATE. Bring back “My Time” if we can’t bring back “All Grown Up”. “Welcome to the Queendom” is AWFUL.

·         I also hate that Total Divas has done more harm to the divas division than good. Yeah, it brought attention to it, for about a month. Now I’m back to not giving a shit.

·         Ok, not entirely true. I care about AJ, because she’s awesome. I kinda sorta care about Natalya and Kaitlyn. The rest of the clan, Bellas included, can fuck off. Bring in Paige and Emma already. Hell, bring in Ric Flair’s kid and Bailey.

·         I will never understand the purpose of jobbing a Money in the Bank winner after he wins said briefcase. I asked my friends last night if Damien Sandow has won a match since winning the case. None of my friends said yes. Why should I believe he’ll be world champion, much less be a successful one?

·         Better question: why is there still more than one floating around? Make it just one case next year and have both champions having to look over their shoulders at the same time.

·         Yeah, there’s a conspiracy afoot. EVIL COO H “lets Scott Armstrong go”. He’ll be “taken care of” with a “nice severance package”. Ok, hip-hop. I love this storyline. Layers, my dudes. Layers. Question is how far up—or how far down—does the conspiracy really go.

·         Randy Orton, career killer is back. Orton kills Mike Mizanin while his family watches. Love, love, love.

·         If this happened anywhere but Cleveland, people would cheer the shit out of this. I’m sorry, but it’s a fact. The Miz is not exactly likable.

·         I will hate the fact that Paul Heyman will go to his grave with a pinfall victory over CM Punk. I like Paul Heyman. Hell, I love Paul Heyman. I mean, not in the way Paul Heyman loves Ryback (or vice versa, not that there’s anything wrong with that), but still, he’s made significant contributions to the wrestling business. But this bug-eyed fat walrus should not be walking the Earth with a win over CM Punk. EVER.

·         I hate that we’re getting Punk-Ryback again. Because that worked out so well for you last year. Hell, it was Ryback that put CM Punk on the shelf during the holidays and had him nearly stripped of the WWE Championship just as he was running down John Cena’s modern record.

·         Fuck Ryback.

·         More Wyatt World Order promos please. Thanks. Love these things.

·         Two championship reigns totaling less than one day is not progress. I like JBL, heel commentator, but stop making shit up. You’re as bad as the rest of them.

·         EVIL RANDY ORTON IS EVIL AS FUCK. Even has EVIL CHAIR SITTING POSTURE. It’s brilliant.

·         Why am I watching a replay of the end of last night’s match? There’s a match in progress. Hate that.

·         By the way, that fast count: that’s a normal count in the original ECW. If you can’t kick out of an ECW three count, you can’t kick out of a WWE three count. That’s a fact.

·         Still doesn't change the fact that Randy Orton got a knee RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE.

·         Holy shit! Uprising, you guys!

·         Kingston still killed dead with a GORE! GORE! GORE!

·         Knees to eyeballs, Seth. Seth Rollins died there.

·         And the church said Amen. Yeah, people are gonna be punished for this, but fuck it. People are rallying around Daniel Bryan. And he finished Monday Night RAW upright. For once. Love that.

Summary: A RAW without John Cena, CM Punk, Sheamus, and Alberto Del Rio, and it was actually good? I approve of this. A thousand times this. 

Compliment Sandwich: RAW 8/19/13

Haven’t done one in a hot minute, so let’s get to it: good and bad things about last night's RAW in alternating fashion.

• Let’s get this out of the way: I love… love… LOVE angry Daniel Bryan. Angry Daniel Bryan is the best Daniel Bryan, and…holy shit, guys, he went in HARD on Stephanie McMahon. In his first segment as the #1 babyface in WWE, D-Bry did well for himself. He’s no B+, my man, my woman. He’s an A with two pluses, minimum. Side nugget: remember that time when WWE had nearly every top star out at the same time for about two months in 2001? Or when Smackdown had nearly every top star out at once in 2007? That’s sorta where WWE is right now. If D-Bry gets hurt, WWE’s in deep shit. That brings me to this…
• I hate that I have to have been subjected to John Cena’s elbow to start RAW. I can’t unsee that. Thanks, USA Network. Speaking of that elbow…
• I like that John Cena’s gonna go away for a while. No, this isn’t Cena hate talking. This is a guy that hasn’t had a lot of off time, and he and his character BOTH need it. I don’t wish injury on anyone, but the injury couldn’t have come at a better time for Cena…or worse for USA. Holy shit, they’re gonna get slaughtered when football season comes.
• Seriously though: never show that elbow again. EVER.
• I hate what has become of Sin Cara. He was Triple H’s first signee back in 2010, and holy shit, has this dude flopped. And Sin Cara himself has to share in the blame. In three years, he’s spent about half of it on the DL, and when he is available, he has by many accounts not acclimated himself to the WWE style (nor his co-workers). His dislocated finger(s) may be the final straw for the man formerly known as Mistico.
• I may be the in the minority, but I like the pairing of Ricardo Rodriguez and Rob Van Dam. Yeah, I and all of America were expecting Rey Mysterio, but I guess this will have to do. Maybe this leads to the return of Mysterio down the line, because we know RVD’s not winning this feud. Ricardo’s back though, so it’s cool.
• Los Matadores are Epico and Primo, repackaged? I so do not like. Tell me, WWE, how has the repackaging of Joe Hennig worked out for you? Speaking of which…
• CM Punk going all “and you shut up, fat boy!” on some fat dude in the front row is awesome. I love that. Know what I also loved? Punk murdering the shit out of Curtis Axel. He has mattered for like two weeks total. And that includes his time as Michael McGillicutty.
• Anything involving Total Divas gets an automatic hate. Period. A new crop of divas cannot come fast enough.
• I love the GORE! GORE! GOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEEE! from Roman Reigns. And I love Dolph Ziggler’s selling of said gore. It’s not a spear when Roman does it, and I will not refer to it as such.
• I hate that The Shield had to go twice last night. Hate it because two-thirds of The Shield are potentially hurt. Seth Rollins banged his knee pretty hard, and Roman Reigns, himself on the business end of a GORE from Big Show, practically liquefied his insides.
• Though the trio bringing down the hammer of justice (that’s what I call that three-man powerbomb) on Big Show is always awesome looking. Like that.
• Should have mentioned this earlier: I hate pantsuit Stephanie McMahon. It’s like her only outfit now on WWE programming. If you’re gonna be a heel, (a) get some new wardrobe, and (b) slut it up a little. There’s a way to make it work in PG WWE. Figure that shit out.
• Bray Wyatt referring to himself as the new face of fear? I like that, though if some combination of the Yet-tay, a dead Avalanche, Kevin Sullivan, and Ed “The Butcher” Leslie walk through that door with you, we’re gonna have to fight, okay? Thanks. Side nugget: people are clapping along to his theme song. It’s gonna be sing along in about two months.
• For about a year, I blasted Tensai on Twitter every time he came on my television. Guy was stealing money. That honor as of now goes to Wade Barrett, pit fighter. He’s done nothing of significance since getting his elbow blowed out. I hate this guy is on my TV.
• I did like, however, they paired him with two other wastes of time in the same segment: Fandango and The Miz, which, by the way, came off the heels of a 3MB versus Usos match. Remember when the Usos were a thing? Viewer dropoff’s gonna be huge, ya’ll. That leg drop from Fandango was the truth, though.
• I hate the Corporate Shield. It pretty much goes against the purpose of why they came to WWE in the first place. Just saying.
• I like heel COO H. And heel Randy Orton, dream killer (Christian, Chris Benoit, and Daniel Bryan’s first title runs all ended at the hands of Randy Orton). I also liked that they actually took a moment to explain why the two are paired up with the McMahons proper.
• What, COO H? You didn’t do it for The Rock? DO. NOT. LIKE. If you didn’t do it for The Rock, you did it wrong. Fuck you, Triple H.
• I like Daniel Bryan, little scrapper. After getting his ass handed to by The Shield, and handing them said ass, Daniel Bryan, with what little strength he had left, finally made it to the ring, only to get the business end of an RKO.
• Fuck it. I hated that ending. That shit depressed me. It also depresses me that about 75% of all RAWs from here to Wrestlemania 30 will end like that. But it’s necessary. If you’re gonna sell the underdog/redemption story, said underdog has to get his shit kicked in. A lot.

So we now have the storyline that will carry us through at least football season: Daniel Bryan as a man alone against the WWE machine. And he literally is a man alone. John Cena and Sheamus are likely out for the remainder of the year, meaning he’ll be the babyface flagbearer. We’ll find out sooner rather than later whether WWE can ride with Daniel Bryan long-term. More importantly, we’ll find out if fans have the patience to stick out the ride through its ups and many, many, many downs.

P.S. Notice how WWE made absolutely no mention of Darren Young coming out last week? I like that. I purposefully did that for this compliment sandwich. Plus the Primetime Players were taking on the Real Americans. Sorry, but Jack Swagger’s a reason to change the channel.