Compliment Sandwich: RAW 5/22/2000

Time for another compliment sandwich on a classic episode of Monday Night RAW (is WAR). I don’t expect this episode to make the 20^th anniversary boxset when it’s released in a couple of months, but it’s one of my favorites. This episode takes place from the Conseco Fieldhouse in Indianapolis (since renamed Bankers Life Fieldhouse) the night after Judgment Day in Louisville.

If you were for the faces, Judgment Day was a pretty depressing evening for you. Following the opener, the heels swept the card, winning the final five matches, capped off by Triple H winning a one-hour Ironman match against The Rock to reclaim the WWF Championship. But perhaps the biggest story coming from that night (other than Shawn Michaels appearing to screw The Rock out of the title) was the return of The Undertaker...looking very different. Judgment Day gave birth to American Badass Undertaker, a period that while necessary for the evolution of the character, is not necessarily looked upon fondly.

WCW countered with…you guessed it… a world title match between Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett. (For the record, Jarrett won the match and the title. It was only the second time that week the title changed hands, as Vince Russo stripped Ric Flair of the title he’d won on the previous week’s Nitro. Didn’t matter: the night after Jarrett won it back, Nash won the belt from Jarrett at a Thunder taping.) Not surprisingly, RAW crushed Nitro 7.1 to 3.0. It was the last time a WWF program got a 7 rating.

Anyways, on with it.

• How do you know you’re watching a WWF program from the first half of 2000? A 20-minute opening promo by the McMahon-Helmsley Faction. Well, not exactly that tonight. It’s Vince McMahon, and he only needed about six minutes to lay out the main event.
• How do you know you’re watching a WWF program from the first half of 2000? The main event is a handicap match. Tonight: DX + Shane McMahon versus The Rock. Even by this point, this was getting old.
• A wild Rock appears. And he’s pissed.
• Seriously, this beatdown needs some music behind it. May I suggest “Straight Outta Compton” by NWA?
• McMahon’s taking a ride.
• Rock’s looking to choke a bitch. Or something.
• And now the wrestling portion of the program begins: T&A with Trish Stratus versus The Hardy Boyz.
• Thanks to Trish, Jeff’s pretty as hell Swanton Bomb is negated by Test’s top rope elbow to the back of Jeff’s head. T&A gets the upset win at 3:56.
• The Rock is waiting for somebody.
• Eddie Guerrero with Chyna versus D-Lo Brown for the WWF European Championship. D-Lo Brown had four runs as European Champion in 1998 and 1999.
• JR and King discussing the events of the previous night. You know, there’s a match in the ring.
• A wild Godfather appears. With hos.
• Hurancanrana pin gets Eddie the dupe and title defense in just 2:26.
• Godfather with the beatdown and Pimp Drop post match. D-Lo had a very bad night.
• Gerald Brisco with the Faction just as they arrive. They have no idea how real shit’s gonna get.
• But they find out about ten seconds later when…
• A wild Rock appears. With lead pipe. He kills Road Dogg and X-Pac dead. And drops them in the bed of an 18-wheeler. Tori and Gerald at least had the sense to run.
• Team ECK versus Too Cool & Rikishi in a return match from Judgment Day.
• Kurt wasn’t completely accurate. The Pacers made it to the NBA Finals, but they got beat in six games by the Lakers. That’s better than what the 76ers in 2001 (5 games) and the Nets in 2002 did (4 games).
• Well, Christian’s right. 13 years later, not much has changed. The Pacers still choke in the playoffs.
• Five-second poses were awesome. Even Lilian enjoyed it a little bit.
• ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
• Rikishi’s face is in Edge’s ass.
• Edge prevents Scotty 2 Hotty from completing the Worm with a title shot, Kurt Angle with a half-nelson cradle, and Team ECK disposes of Too Cool in just 2:50.
• The Rock is still looking to kill.
• Shane McMahon to gloat about his victory over The Big Show. Big Show for the record would not be back until the 2001 Royal Rumble match.
• Shane’s a pussy.
• Shane the poet.
• Shane the poet about to get fucked up because…
• A wild Rock appears. Today is not a good day to fuck with The Rock.
• Up next: Chris Benoit versus Val Venis for the Intercontinental Championship.
• Benoit did not go on to become the greatest IC champion ever, though he did have four runs as champion.
• The way the end of the main event from Judgment Day was being discussed, you’d think it was Nitro, Nick Patrick and the “fast count” from Starrcade all over again.
• Speaking of which, I gotta give that event the compliment sandwich one day.
• A wild Hardcore Holly appears. And he just brained Val Venis.
• And Chris Benoit, who wins by DQ at 6:43. It’s the longest match on the show.
• A wild Chris Jericho appears. Hardcore Holly turns around but it’s way too late. Intercontinental Deathmatch 2000 is officially on. Round 1, and Jericho’s the only one that is upright.
• Gerald Brisco awaits Triple H and Stephanie, but up now is a tag team match, playa. The Dudley Boyz versus Bosschanan (Bull Buchanan & The Big Boss Man). Think The Shield, only less talented and way bigger.
• Teddy Tag Team (Theodore Long)
• Yeah. D-Von’s testifying all in Bull Buchanan’s nuts.
• Indianapolis demands their table, and right fucking now.
• Bossman gets the Dudley Death Drop and them damn Dudleys win at 5:08.
• Gerald Brisco. Still waiting.
• Elroy, aka Crash Holly, at the APA office. The APA office is one of my favorite gags ever in wrestling.
• Bradshaw and Faarooq be like, “English motherfucker, do you speak it?”
• Crash pours beer over Bradshaw. This is not a good idea. One does not waste a good beer.
• Faarooq: Don’t hurt him. He’s just a boy.
• Gerald Brisco: still waiting.
• 2000 cell phones, man.
• Crash Holly, who does not weigh 400 pounds, will take on Bradshaw in a hardcore match.
• Crash got brained with that steel chair, yo. Hands up or no, he got fucked up.
• Crash died a thousand deaths. Clothesline from hell wins it for Bradshaw at 2:01. What did you learn?
• Gerald Brisco finally with Triple H and Stephanie. Gerald telling the tale of the night to this point.
• Triple H is looking for The Rock. Meanwhile, The Rock is stalking Triple H. The Rock knows what you did last Sunday.
• Highlights from the Judgment Day main event, then Michael Cole interviewed Shawn Michaels from shortly after the final bell.
• Godfather and Essa Rios. With hos. Meanwhile, a wild Lita appears. Speaking Spanish, no less. Lita does not seem impressed.
• Jim: You ever rolled a phatty? Jerry: Remember that time when I pushed you? *bad dum crash*
• Dean Malenko, you shrewd bastard. Two hos for Dean-o. Perry Saturn gets no hos. Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn versus Godfather and Essa Rios (with Lita) becomes Perry Saturn versus Godfather and Essa Rios (with Lita).
• Lita pushed Essa Rios off the top rope, and Saturn hits the brainbuster. The one beats the duo in just 92 seconds. Guess it ain’t all good between Lita and Essa. This concludes the wrestling portion of the program.
• The Rock’s looking to choke a bitch.
• I still put Survivor Series 1997 over the Ironman match in terms of controversy.
• I would love to agree on The Rock saying Triple H never beat The Rock. Triple H did. Five times, my dude. But let’s not get facts in the way.
• Just Got Your Ass Kicked Boulevard is about a mile from Jabroni Drive, by the way.
• Sucking it with each other is most certainly not PG.
• Four-on-one is now one-on-one. Shit’s on, brah.
• That’s funny, Triple H. Indianapolis isn’t in the mood for your shit either.
• The ring stinks of rats for some reason.
• And we’re off.
• And there it is. The regime has returned.
• Doesn’t matter. Rock Bottom to Vince.
• But the Regime has pounced on The Rock.
• The Judgment Day video plays from last night. And the action has stopped. Looks like the Regime’s Judgment Day is now.
• American Badass Undertaker has arrived.
• Undertaker kills everybody dead not named Triple H, Stephanie, or Tori.
• And Undertaker was about to get run over. The Regime is running for their lives.
• Meanwhile, Triple H is about to kill The Rock dead.
• Or not.
• Triple H is about to kill The Rock dead again.
• Or not.
• Rock Bottom to Triple H through the announce table. Triple H’s final destination tonight: The People’s Hell.
• Achievement Unlocked: Rage Against The Regime.

Ok, on to the summary. What I liked and didn’t like in chart and/or graph form.

LIKE	The main story of the show: The Rock mad as hell that he got boned out of the WWF Championship thanks in part to the McMahon-Helmsley Regime. He’s not smiling, he’s not walking around like things are good. That’s what I want out of a former champion. If you lose it any way other than Windex clean, you’d better be looking to fight somebody.
DIDN’T LIKE	Yet another McMahon promo to start RAW. If there was one RAW is War or Smackdown that didn’t begin with a 20-minute promo from Triple H or his band of merry misfits in the first half of 200, I’d like to see it.
LIKE	Edge and Christian and their silly five-second poses. Brood Edge and Christian were good. BFF’s Edge and Christian were fan…tastic. (For the record, the one they did in Oakland right around the time of the 2000 playoffs was my favorite.)
DIDN’T LIKE	Most of the matches on the show finished too quickly to mean anything. But considering (a) the massive riches they have in talent and (b) little time they have, it’s forgivable. Plus, they’re coming off a PPV.
LIKE	Although I’m in the minority, I like American Badass Undertaker.
BONUS LIKE	2000 Trish and Lita. Wow.

It was easy to see why WWF was on fire in 2000: compelling characters, superior talent, superior storylines, and dare I say it, long-term planning. Of course, it was spotty in places, but around this time, this was as good as it gets.

Compliment Sandwich- WWF RAW #293 (January 4, 1999)

January 4, 1999 is a day that will forever live in wrestling infamy. On that night we had a rare daily double: both the WWF and WCW world titles changed hands. In fact, the two major promotions had world title changes within ten minutes of one another. Well…not exactly. While Hulk Hogan really did win the WCW title on January 4, Mankind had won the WWF title nearly a week earlier on December 29. With this little nugget being common knowledge among wrestling fans (about as far as common knowledge among wrestling fans traveled at the time—remember, the Internet wasn’t nearly as much a thing in 1998 as it is now), Eric Bischoff looked to pounce on the competition to get people to leave their TVs on Nitro and not flip to RAW. His idea, which had worked in the past: give away the results of the taped RAW.

Except this one time it was very different. Tony Schiavone, ever the good soldier, gave away the result of the forthcoming, yet already taped, WWF Championship match:

“If you’re even thinking about changing the channel to our competition fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their world title. Whoa! That’s gonna put some butts in the seats. Heh.”

That one time was very different because Nielsen metrics showed as many as 600,000 viewers who were actually watching Nitro at the time, tuned into RAW to see said world title change. Many of those people tuned back to Nitro at 11pm (see, with a taped show, there’s no threat of running overtime), and those people tuned into see their world title change via the infamous Fingerpoke of Doom. At the time of the announced title change, Nitro had been winning the head-to-head ratings battle for the night. They gave it away—literally—when they gave away the Mick Foley win. The rest is history.

So what’s going on in the WWF at the time?

Well, a few weeks earlier, all signs pointed to Mankind being Vince McMahon’s handpicked world champion when at Survivor Series: Deadly Game it was revealed that he was catfished and The Rock was Vince’s corporate champion. At Rock Bottom, Mankind had knocked out The Rock via Mandible Claw and should have been WWF Champion, but McMahon again intervened stating that The Rock was neither pinned nor made to submit so the title does not change hands.

Stone Cold Steve Austin, also catfished at Survivor Series, had to fight his way back into title contention. His first major hurdle was to beat The Undertaker in a Buried Alive match to get in the Royal Rumble, which he did. Austin has not been seen since that night because he’s on the DL.

The Corporation and D-Generation X are looking for ways to kill one another. Or at least antagonize one another.

Chyna and Mark Henry may or may not be dating.

And Shawn Michaels has just been fired as WWF commissioner for letting Shane McMahon take a beatdown and holding the Corporation back, but not before HBK kicks Vince in the face on the way out.

Your champions (at the time of the January 4 broadcast):

·         WWF Champion: The Rock

·         WWF Intercontinental Champion: Ken Shamrock

·         WWF European Champion: X-Pac

·         WWF Hardcore Champion: “Road Dogg” Jesse James

·         WWF Tag Team Champions: Big Boss Man and Ken Shamrock

·         WWF Womens Champion: Sable

So, if you’re scoring at home, the Corporation and DX hold every belt but one. Make no mistake: they are the featured story in WWF at the time, and it’ll play an awful big part in this episode. With that, let’s try and actually say some not nice things about the January 4, 1999 episode of RAW is WAR. Between some nice things of course.

• I’ve always loved the WWF Attitude signature.
• A career retrospective for Shawn Michaels to start, voiced over by Kevin Kelley.
• We interrupt this career retrospective to bring you RAW is WAR.
• Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on the call.
• Holy shit, there are a lotta bodies in the Corporation. One thing I don’t miss: ginormous stables.
• McMahon threatens that if Shawn Michaels shows up, he’ll be dismembered.
• Crowd at the Worcester Centrum seems unamused.
• Shawn Michaels arrives. Does the dismembering begin now?
• I guess it does.
• Shawn’s got backup…and it’s D-Generation X. Holy shit. It done just got real.
• Shawn’s contract is ironclad. He collects a paycheck until he resigns.
• President wasn’t lousy in retrospect. He was in office for the biggest economic boom in the history of the world.
• Almost forgot about this: Shane and Vince McMahon drawing Stone Cold Steve Austin’s number for the Rumble on the previous RAW. Austin was “drawn” #1, Vince #30, though he was hoping for #2.
• Shawn gives Vince his wish. Vince McMahon will enter the Royal Rumble #2.
• A stone cold crazy surprise. Gee, I wonder what that means.
• Wait… did we really need D-Generation X for this segment? It seemed unnecessary.
• And now the wrestling portion of the program. Ken Shamrock vs. Steve Blackman in a non-title match. The two will beef off and on until Shamrock leaves the WWF in the fall of 1999.
• A wild Dan Severn appears. Still with a broken freaking neck. There was never a proper blowoff between Shamrock and Severn, was it? It would have been amazeballs. I mean, amazeballs for 1999.
• I know UFC was the butt of jokes back in the day, but did you ever imagine a world where UFC PPVs would kill WWE’s offerings in buyrates on the regular?
• Billy Gunn with the Fameasser. Ref didn’t see it, of course, as he’s looking at Dan Severn. Blackman with the upset win at 3:26. Even in 1999, champions were jobbing in non-title matches.
• Gunn and Shamrock are fighting to the death.
• A wild Mankind appears. Unscheduled.
• Mankind apparently discovered himself in the previous two weeks: he enjoyed grabbing Pat Patterson’s balls, he said “suck it” without saying please, and he likes to kick McMahon family ass. Whatever ripes your melons, I guess, Mick.
• Mankind wants one more go at the WWF Championship at the Royal Rumble. He’s got a case; he did beat The Rock at Rock Bottom.
• Foley is God. Or good. Whateves.
• Yes, you can say ass, Mick.
• The Corporate team is not right behind you, Vince. If we can’t see them, they’re not there.
• Foley as WWF Champion stains the WWF? Tell Mick how you really feel, Vince.
• Mankind likes that roar. Not sure how he feels about this roar though.
• Vince, it’s Mankind this week. And if falling off a cage and getting a tooth stuck up your nose isn’t paying dues, I don’t know what is.
• So… I guess that’s a no on the rematch.
• Mankind vs. Triple H for a Royal Rumble match spot later. Shane McMahon will be the referee.
• “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry. He hearts Chyna. Mark Henry will face Goldust. Henry is only the second most perverted man in the ring. That in and of itself is an upset.
• PMS (Pretty Mean Sistas) was a thing once.
• Sushi-X sign in the fifth or six row. For some inexplicable reason, a Sushi-X sign appeared at every RAW for about two years.
• If McMahon’s so smart, why he give Shawn Michaels an ironclad contract? Just saying.
• A wild Chyna appears. With a friend.
• Goldust through the uprights and into Mark Henry’s groin area. Mark Henry with the DQ win at 3:44, though the bell never rings.
• Chyna, of course Mark Henry’s hurt. He just got kicked in the junk. It hurts like hell. I thought Chyna would be aware of such matters. Fuck.
• Um… duh, Chyna. Mark’s a fattie. 400 pounds.
• Chyna’s friend, Sammy. I believe Chyna has proposed a threesome. And Mark Henry faints. (Later, it was revealed that sweet Jesus, Sammy has a penis.)
• And on this day, Jesse Ventura is inaugurated as the Governor of Minnesota.
• And he had a home video release.
• Dennis Knight… hanging out. Creppy.
• Godfather versus Test up next. I believe this is his in-ring debut. He debuted on Sunday Night Heat the previous October as a bodyguard for Motley Crue.
• Hogan leg drop by Godfather gets a near fall. Brother.
• A wild Val Venis appears. That’s three out of three matches a wild someone appears.
• Double countout at 1:59, and it’s on. Val Venis is looking to murderdeathkill Test.
• D-Generation X…chatting. Looks like they’ve kissed and made up.
• Triple H versus Mankind with Shane McMahon as special referee up next. Winner is in the Royal Rumble. Triple H with robo-Chyna. Shane did referee in a past life, by the way.
• Mankind deserves to be shot? Wow, Lawler. How do you really feel?
• The Corporate Fan in the fifth row. That’s nice.
• We can hear it pretty clear if he does. I’m not saying it’s pindrop quiet, but you can most definitely hear it.
• Shane McMahon fast counts Mankind down. Triple H wins and gets a place in the Rumble at 2:57.
• Fuck, even in 1999, Triple H goes all about “business”.
• Surprise motherfucker. Triple H pedigrees Shane McMahon. Protect yourself at all times. Because reasons. And so Mankind can kill Shane again.
• Mankind with the Rings of Saturn on Shane. Or something. He’s gonna break that shoulder. He sounds kinda serious.
• Mankind wants a title match tonight or Shane gets that arm snapped.
• Vince agrees. Not good enough.
• No disqualification, and Vince agrees. Mankind challenges The Rock for the WWF Championship later.
• A wild Rock appears. He’s pissed. And he’s not ready. But he had to, Rock. Shane was gonna lose his arm, bro.
• Edge versus D-Lo Brown next. Edge coming through the masses. D-Lo Brown, apparently back from Aruba. Edge looks like he’s got his rape face on.
• Was D-Lo Brown really gonna chokeslam Edge?
• Edge with some serious hangtime on the cross body to the outside.
• It’s not a long shot. It’s 50-50 for Mankind to win the WWF title. Steiner math, yo.
• Running powerbomb could have gotten three if he didn’t take a moment to admire his work, D-Lo.
• Oh… the infamous Terri pregnancy angle. Yeah. I’m gonna skip this. By the way, match is a no contest at 4:57. I so hate the lost baby angle. Fucking Russo.
• Kane (with shameless plug for the Brisco Brothers Body Shop), Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and Shane McMahon with bum arm appear. It is changed to an impromptu match: Kane versus the stooges with Shane McMahon as referee.
• Vince McMahon is all like, “Kane. Sick balls.”
• It’s apparently “Kill Shane McMahon Night” on RAW. Vince talks Kane out of it under threat of going back to the insane asylum.
• Though Vince declares Kane the winner, it’s officially a no contest.
• Dennis Knight…still hanging out. The Acolytes tell Dennis that he’s ready.
• Road Dogg versus Al Snow for the Hardcore Championship up next. Don’t look at the head… too late. Al Snow catches the champion by surprise.
• 30 seconds in, a table appearance.
• Speaking of Al Snow, he’s in a blood-stained shirt. He got blood bathed two weeks prior.
• Al Snow moonsaults a table. Not effective offense. Just saying.
• Road Dogg hiptosses Al Snow through a table. That’s two tables down if you’re scoring at home.
• It’s becoming a backstage brawl in WWE ’13. Wonder if they based the backstage arena on this building.
• Holy shit, they’re in the snow.
• Piledriver onto a box. And that’ll do it. Road Dogg wins. In the snow. At 8:38, it’s by far the longest match of the night so far. It’s also the first match on the show with a clean finish.
• Road Dogg takes his rightful victory lap. That’s awesome. And it’s sensible because goddamn, it’s cold out there.
• Dennis Knight… deposited in a room somewhere while the Acolytes stand guard outside.
• Shawn Michaels done got dismembered by the Corporation.
• One can’t grieve forever, I suppose. The Rock versus Mankind for the WWF Championship in a no disqualification match. Challenger Mankind out with D-Generation X first. The Rock, clearly in the same clothes he was in earlier in the hour, out with the Corporation. At ringside: Billy Gunn, Chyna, Road Dogg, Triple H, X-Pac, Kane, Ken Shamrock, Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon, Test, and Big Bossman. That’s eleven people ringside. It might as well be a lumberjack match.
• Match’s not gonna end up in a wild schmozz like the other league. Foreshadowing, perhaps?
• At 1:26:20, we get our first appearance of Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler in this episode.
• Rock Bottom through the announce table. Of course.
• Comparing being the WWF Champion to being the Yankees center fielder or Cowboys quarterback. Um… okay.
• Corporate Elbow gets two.
• Mankind still has his old JOB Squad shirt. Didn’t realize that until now.
• Title shot from The Rock to Mankind’s face. Only two.
• Mankind with a double arm DDT, belt slips.
• A wild Socko appears. And it’s nap time for Rocky.
• Shamrock with a chair. Billy Gunn bumrushes Shamrock. It’s a zoo.
• Glass breaks. Oh wait. Now it’s a zoo. Stone Cold’s here. Holy shit, listen to that pop.
• Austin with a chair to Rock’s face.
• Mankind placed on top and at 8:48 is the new WWF Champion, much to the delight of the crowd.
• Oh, he can, and he did. Who knew a guy that once slept on the floors of Motel 6’s and in his Ford Fairmount and was once clotheslined so hard he couldn’t eat solid food for weeks would be the man that essentially delivered the killing blow in the Monday Night Wars?
• Yep, the man with the tattered shirt, a sweaty mask, and a sock puppet is the #1 man in the WWF.
• Mick Foley takes a well-deserved victory lap as the scene fades.

For the record, RAW got a 5.8 rating that night. Nitro began with a 5.6, but nearly lost a full point following the dead giveaway, but got back to 5.0 thanks to the Fingerpoke of Doom overrun. At the time, it was the largest combined audience for Monday night wrestling ever. If you paid attention through the episode, they were teasing something pretty big for Mankind throughout the night. While the episode is an all-time classic (it will be a part of the RAW 20^th Anniversary box set), most of the show is essentially filler. The meat comes in the last 30 minutes with the two title matches.  

Now, gonna try something new: things I liked and didn’t like in chart and/or graph form.

LIKE	The signature. I miss the hell out of it.
DIDN’T LIKE	The opening segment, which outside of the actual “dismemberment” of Shawn Michaels, meant nothing. There was actually a plan for a Shawn Michaels-Triple H match at Wrestlemania XV, but as Michaels needed to go under the knife, never came to fruition.
LIKE	The hardcore match. Yeah, these days it may be a little tough to watch given what we know about concussions and all, but this little nugget was a fun watch and is well deserved a place on the greatest RAW matches ever list. Not a top 10 or 25, mind you, but if you go to 50, sure.
DIDN’T LIKE	The pregnancy angle. So much hate for that angle. Fuck Vince Russo and whoever was the brains behind it.
LIKE	Hostile Mankind. He’s been catfished, had the WWF title taken away from him, and has had enough of the McMahon’s shit. So of course the next logical step was to take someone hostage.
DIDN’T LIKE	The fact they never explained the entire episode why Shawn Michaels decided to reunite with D-Generation X.
LIKE	Edge. Even in 1999, you knew this guy was gonna be a big deal if he could put it together. And he did.
DIDN’T LIKE	Creepy Edge rape face.
LIKE	The absolutely insane pop Stone Cold Steve Austin got, even though the whole building knew he was showing up at some point.
DIDN’T LIKE	That only one match had a clean finish. And it was the hardcore title match. But this was a sign of the times back then.
LIKE	Mick Foley getting his moment in the sun.

Compliment Sandwich: RAW 8/19/13

Haven’t done one in a hot minute, so let’s get to it: good and bad things about last night's RAW in alternating fashion.

• Let’s get this out of the way: I love… love… LOVE angry Daniel Bryan. Angry Daniel Bryan is the best Daniel Bryan, and…holy shit, guys, he went in HARD on Stephanie McMahon. In his first segment as the #1 babyface in WWE, D-Bry did well for himself. He’s no B+, my man, my woman. He’s an A with two pluses, minimum. Side nugget: remember that time when WWE had nearly every top star out at the same time for about two months in 2001? Or when Smackdown had nearly every top star out at once in 2007? That’s sorta where WWE is right now. If D-Bry gets hurt, WWE’s in deep shit. That brings me to this…
• I hate that I have to have been subjected to John Cena’s elbow to start RAW. I can’t unsee that. Thanks, USA Network. Speaking of that elbow…
• I like that John Cena’s gonna go away for a while. No, this isn’t Cena hate talking. This is a guy that hasn’t had a lot of off time, and he and his character BOTH need it. I don’t wish injury on anyone, but the injury couldn’t have come at a better time for Cena…or worse for USA. Holy shit, they’re gonna get slaughtered when football season comes.
• Seriously though: never show that elbow again. EVER.
• I hate what has become of Sin Cara. He was Triple H’s first signee back in 2010, and holy shit, has this dude flopped. And Sin Cara himself has to share in the blame. In three years, he’s spent about half of it on the DL, and when he is available, he has by many accounts not acclimated himself to the WWE style (nor his co-workers). His dislocated finger(s) may be the final straw for the man formerly known as Mistico.
• I may be the in the minority, but I like the pairing of Ricardo Rodriguez and Rob Van Dam. Yeah, I and all of America were expecting Rey Mysterio, but I guess this will have to do. Maybe this leads to the return of Mysterio down the line, because we know RVD’s not winning this feud. Ricardo’s back though, so it’s cool.
• Los Matadores are Epico and Primo, repackaged? I so do not like. Tell me, WWE, how has the repackaging of Joe Hennig worked out for you? Speaking of which…
• CM Punk going all “and you shut up, fat boy!” on some fat dude in the front row is awesome. I love that. Know what I also loved? Punk murdering the shit out of Curtis Axel. He has mattered for like two weeks total. And that includes his time as Michael McGillicutty.
• Anything involving Total Divas gets an automatic hate. Period. A new crop of divas cannot come fast enough.
• I love the GORE! GORE! GOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEEE! from Roman Reigns. And I love Dolph Ziggler’s selling of said gore. It’s not a spear when Roman does it, and I will not refer to it as such.
• I hate that The Shield had to go twice last night. Hate it because two-thirds of The Shield are potentially hurt. Seth Rollins banged his knee pretty hard, and Roman Reigns, himself on the business end of a GORE from Big Show, practically liquefied his insides.
• Though the trio bringing down the hammer of justice (that’s what I call that three-man powerbomb) on Big Show is always awesome looking. Like that.
• Should have mentioned this earlier: I hate pantsuit Stephanie McMahon. It’s like her only outfit now on WWE programming. If you’re gonna be a heel, (a) get some new wardrobe, and (b) slut it up a little. There’s a way to make it work in PG WWE. Figure that shit out.
• Bray Wyatt referring to himself as the new face of fear? I like that, though if some combination of the Yet-tay, a dead Avalanche, Kevin Sullivan, and Ed “The Butcher” Leslie walk through that door with you, we’re gonna have to fight, okay? Thanks. Side nugget: people are clapping along to his theme song. It’s gonna be sing along in about two months.
• For about a year, I blasted Tensai on Twitter every time he came on my television. Guy was stealing money. That honor as of now goes to Wade Barrett, pit fighter. He’s done nothing of significance since getting his elbow blowed out. I hate this guy is on my TV.
• I did like, however, they paired him with two other wastes of time in the same segment: Fandango and The Miz, which, by the way, came off the heels of a 3MB versus Usos match. Remember when the Usos were a thing? Viewer dropoff’s gonna be huge, ya’ll. That leg drop from Fandango was the truth, though.
• I hate the Corporate Shield. It pretty much goes against the purpose of why they came to WWE in the first place. Just saying.
• I like heel COO H. And heel Randy Orton, dream killer (Christian, Chris Benoit, and Daniel Bryan’s first title runs all ended at the hands of Randy Orton). I also liked that they actually took a moment to explain why the two are paired up with the McMahons proper.
• What, COO H? You didn’t do it for The Rock? DO. NOT. LIKE. If you didn’t do it for The Rock, you did it wrong. Fuck you, Triple H.
• I like Daniel Bryan, little scrapper. After getting his ass handed to by The Shield, and handing them said ass, Daniel Bryan, with what little strength he had left, finally made it to the ring, only to get the business end of an RKO.
• Fuck it. I hated that ending. That shit depressed me. It also depresses me that about 75% of all RAWs from here to Wrestlemania 30 will end like that. But it’s necessary. If you’re gonna sell the underdog/redemption story, said underdog has to get his shit kicked in. A lot.

So we now have the storyline that will carry us through at least football season: Daniel Bryan as a man alone against the WWE machine. And he literally is a man alone. John Cena and Sheamus are likely out for the remainder of the year, meaning he’ll be the babyface flagbearer. We’ll find out sooner rather than later whether WWE can ride with Daniel Bryan long-term. More importantly, we’ll find out if fans have the patience to stick out the ride through its ups and many, many, many downs.

P.S. Notice how WWE made absolutely no mention of Darren Young coming out last week? I like that. I purposefully did that for this compliment sandwich. Plus the Primetime Players were taking on the Real Americans. Sorry, but Jack Swagger’s a reason to change the channel.