Rocktoberfest- Day 2

Prepare yourselves for another day of Rock goodness. Seems an appropriate logo for the Rock promo of the day.

Rocktober- Day 1

After watching about two months of PPVs that range from classic to horrible, I think it's about time I treat myself (and you, the reader) to some good wrestling for once. 

Compliment Sandwich: RAW 9/16/13

Full disclosure: I quit on RAW a little after 10pm last night, so I didn't watch the final hour (and by the final hour, I mean the main event) until this morning. Anyways, here goes the compliment sandwich: things I didn't like sandwiched between things I did.

·         I love…LOVE…Daniel Bryan Danielson, WWE Champion. Yes, I’m fully aware this moment’s gonna get ruined in about 20 minutes, but screw it: Daniel Bryan woke up Monday morning as WWE Champion. He’s the only person in the world that could say that. Worshippers of the First Church of Daniel Bryan Danielson were LOUD last night.

·         So of course I hated that it only took eleven minutes for Daniel Bryan to be stripped of said WWE Championship. I understand why they did it—long-term storytelling and all—but damn, it kinda felt like it had your heart ripped out didn’t it? At least the plates exist for Bryan. (Bonus hate: since Punk’s 434 day run ended eight months ago, the WWE Championship has changed hands six times.)

·         Here’s an interesting nugget: The next time Daniel Bryan holds the WWE Championship, he’ll be tied for tenth all time in WWE title reigns with three. That will give him more reigns than Diesel, Ultimate Warrior, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, Andre the Giant, Bruno Sammartino, Bob Backlund, Randy Savage, CM Punk, Yokozuna, The Big Show, Batista, and Ric Flair.

·         I liked that it took only eleven minutes to get the obvious out of the way. Many people knew Daniel Bryan wasn’t going to finish the night as WWE Champion, so why dick around it. I also liked that EVIL COO H and EVIL RANDY ORTON, CAREER KILLER (more on that later) needed to pry it out of his cold dead hands.

·         So… no WWE Champion. Nope. Don’t like. How long until we fill that in?

·         And how for that matter?

·         And how does Scott Armstrong play into all this? There’s a conspiracy afoot. C-O-N…SPIRACY.

·         And your ether of the night goes to EVIL BITCH Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque. Stephanie telling Randy Orton, career killer to go find career killer Randy Orton because this Randy Orton don’t deserve to be WWE Champion was glorious. I like.

·         Dolph Ziggler’s from Cleveland? Didn't know that.

·         I feel the need to mention this: I hate Big Show crying like a bitch. In fact, the whole “Big Show is broke” storyline is bullshit. Any knucklehead (no pun intended) with an Internet connection and about two minutes with Google can tell you Big Show is not only not broke, but he’ll practically be swimming in dough long after he goes in the grave.

·         Ok, the part where Big Show cried like a bitch because he had to kill Dusty Rhodes dead: I like that. At least at that point it was appropriate. Because, you know, he might have killed Dusty Rhodes dead and Big Show may have to find a safe house or something because he might be wanted for murder.

·         I can’t believe I’m saying this: I kinda like EVIL BITCH Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque. Making a father choose between his two sons? And sicking The Shield on him because he couldn’t make said choice? Then sicking The Crying Bitch on him? Fuck, if that isn’t evil bitch territory, I don’t know what is.

·         Her theme though: HATE. HATE. HATE. Bring back “My Time” if we can’t bring back “All Grown Up”. “Welcome to the Queendom” is AWFUL.

·         I also hate that Total Divas has done more harm to the divas division than good. Yeah, it brought attention to it, for about a month. Now I’m back to not giving a shit.

·         Ok, not entirely true. I care about AJ, because she’s awesome. I kinda sorta care about Natalya and Kaitlyn. The rest of the clan, Bellas included, can fuck off. Bring in Paige and Emma already. Hell, bring in Ric Flair’s kid and Bailey.

·         I will never understand the purpose of jobbing a Money in the Bank winner after he wins said briefcase. I asked my friends last night if Damien Sandow has won a match since winning the case. None of my friends said yes. Why should I believe he’ll be world champion, much less be a successful one?

·         Better question: why is there still more than one floating around? Make it just one case next year and have both champions having to look over their shoulders at the same time.

·         Yeah, there’s a conspiracy afoot. EVIL COO H “lets Scott Armstrong go”. He’ll be “taken care of” with a “nice severance package”. Ok, hip-hop. I love this storyline. Layers, my dudes. Layers. Question is how far up—or how far down—does the conspiracy really go.

·         Randy Orton, career killer is back. Orton kills Mike Mizanin while his family watches. Love, love, love.

·         If this happened anywhere but Cleveland, people would cheer the shit out of this. I’m sorry, but it’s a fact. The Miz is not exactly likable.

·         I will hate the fact that Paul Heyman will go to his grave with a pinfall victory over CM Punk. I like Paul Heyman. Hell, I love Paul Heyman. I mean, not in the way Paul Heyman loves Ryback (or vice versa, not that there’s anything wrong with that), but still, he’s made significant contributions to the wrestling business. But this bug-eyed fat walrus should not be walking the Earth with a win over CM Punk. EVER.

·         I hate that we’re getting Punk-Ryback again. Because that worked out so well for you last year. Hell, it was Ryback that put CM Punk on the shelf during the holidays and had him nearly stripped of the WWE Championship just as he was running down John Cena’s modern record.

·         Fuck Ryback.

·         More Wyatt World Order promos please. Thanks. Love these things.

·         Two championship reigns totaling less than one day is not progress. I like JBL, heel commentator, but stop making shit up. You’re as bad as the rest of them.

·         EVIL RANDY ORTON IS EVIL AS FUCK. Even has EVIL CHAIR SITTING POSTURE. It’s brilliant.

·         Why am I watching a replay of the end of last night’s match? There’s a match in progress. Hate that.

·         By the way, that fast count: that’s a normal count in the original ECW. If you can’t kick out of an ECW three count, you can’t kick out of a WWE three count. That’s a fact.

·         Still doesn't change the fact that Randy Orton got a knee RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE.

·         Holy shit! Uprising, you guys!

·         Kingston still killed dead with a GORE! GORE! GORE!

·         Knees to eyeballs, Seth. Seth Rollins died there.

·         And the church said Amen. Yeah, people are gonna be punished for this, but fuck it. People are rallying around Daniel Bryan. And he finished Monday Night RAW upright. For once. Love that.

Summary: A RAW without John Cena, CM Punk, Sheamus, and Alberto Del Rio, and it was actually good? I approve of this. A thousand times this. 

Wrestlemania XIX: The Best Wrestlemania You Didn't See

Allow me to beg your indulgence for a moment. Yours truly at Wrestling Compliment Sandwich is going to attempt to solve one of wrestling's great mysteries: that serious dip in buys for Wrestlemania XIX. 

As you can see by the graph above, the number of buys for Wrestlemania, the WWE's (all of wrestling for that matter) signautre event, rose every year after hitting rock bottom (no pun intended) in 1997 with 237,000 buys. Next year's show buyrate more than tripled on the strength of Mike Tyson and Stone Cold Steve Austin being a supernova by this point. it would steadily rise for the remainder of the Attitude Era, peaking at just over a million buys for Wrestlemania X-Seven. It dipped quite a bit for Wrestlemania X-8, but it could have been a hell of a lot worse were it not headlined by The Rock versus Hulk Hogan. Next year's show had Hulk Hogan and The Rock. And Stone Cold Steve Austin. And Triple H. And Brock Lesnar. And the Smackdown Six. And Shawn Michaels. And Chris Jericho.

560,000 buys. Here's a bit of perspective: every Wrestlemania since but one flirted with a million buys, with seven going over a million. 560,000 buys is also about as many PPV buys as Wrestlemania VI (that was The Ultimate Challenge one), where PPV wasn't as big a deal in 1990 as it was in 2003. And WM VI had way more filler. 

For posterity, here was the card for Wrestlemania XIX:

• Lance Storm & Chief Morley vs. Kane and Rob Van Dam for the World Tag Team Championship (Sunday Night Heat dark match)
• Matt Hardy vs. Rey Mysterio for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
• Undertaker & Nathan Jones vs. Big Show & A-Train
• Victoria vs. Trish Stratus vs. Jazz for the WWE Womens Championship
• Team Angle vs. Los Guerreros vs. Chris Benoit & Rhyno for the WWE Tag Team Championship
• Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho
• Triple H vs. Booker T for the World Heavyweight Championship
• Hulk Hogan vs. Mr. McMahon in a street fight 
• The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin
• Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship

Pretty stacked card, wouldn't ya say? So... why so few buys?

Time to comb the Interwebs.

From WrestlingForum:

1) Overemphasis on Hulk Hogan vs Vince McMahon. Hogan vs Vince was Wrestlemania-worthy, but WWE hyped it as the biggest match on the card. Many posters featured a stare-down between Vince and Hogan, and the two of them often ended Smackdown shows each week. In fact, many people guessed that Hogan vs Vince was going to end the PPV! This hype, I think, hurt the PPV and drove casuals away. It should have been an upper-mid card match, not a main-event attraction.
2) Angle - Lesnar not a big enough draw. This one may surprise, but I think Lesnar and Angle was not big enough. Lesnar was the new guy who debuted 8-9 months earlier. He was booked strong, but people didn't know him well enough. Angle, on the other hand, was more well-know, but he has never been big among casuals. If WWE had gone HHH vs Brock Lesnar, I think Wrestlemania XIX would had been more successful.

Another from WrestlingForum:

- Lesnar was a horrible draw as WWE champion in late 2002. Which makes what he has become for UFC so much more amazing.
- Triple H had horrible angles and matches left and right in the several months leading up to WM19. TWO PPV matches with the Big Bad Booty Daddy (complete with memorable moments such as posedowns and bench press challenges), plus the subtle racist feud with Booker.
- Even though the Rock was displaying the greatest gimmick of all-time, the feud with Austin (who had lost so much momentum drawing-wise since his heel turn at WM17) just wasn't fresh. Also, doing the job for Hurricane (who went on to not appear on WM19 whatsoever outside of maybe being a Heat lumberjack) just made Rock look less credible. It wasn't the job so much, as the fact that he did it for someone left off the Grandaddy of 'Em All.
- Hogan vs. Vince, and a been-there-done-that Rock vs. Austin feud were not good enough top two main events in terms of marketing. Something else fresh with proven draws booked successfully for many months should have been marketed as THE top match, with the Monday Night Wars matches right underneath.
- Raw was just fucking atrocious during this period whenever the Rock or HBK/Jericho wasn't on the screen.

From 411mania.com (which happens to be asking this very question in their Ask411Wrestling feature this week):

Maybe interest in the product was down? Blaming Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle for the poor number does not add up. That show was absolutely stacked from top to bottom. Just because the WWE Title match (from Smackdown no less) just so happen to go on last does not make them the scapegoat. A number of matches could have gone on last. If Stone Cold vs. The Rock was the final match, does that mean we can blame those two (huge draws) for the buy rate? Or Hulk Hogan vs. Vince McMahon, if that was the last match of the evening? The mystery still remains why WMXIX did such a dreadful PPV buy rate. It was not just down a little bit or a some slight decrease. When other WrestleMania events were grabbing just below or above one million buys, this one doing less than 600,000 buys sticks out like a sore thumb. Big time! That is a HUGE drop off folks. 

From LordsofPain.net:

To this day, the only explanation is that the fan base just fell off the face of the earth in 2003. If ever there was a moment when the WWE probably started to breath heavily about their business moving forward after the Attitude era, it was likely the day that they got the buyrate data back for Wrestlemania XIX. 540,000 buys and a 1.4 buyrate is horrible by modern PPV era standards. There are some Summerslams that have almost equaled those numbers in the last ten years. The only thing keeping it from being a complete and utter financial disappointment was that it was a stadium show, packing 54,000 plus into Seattle’s Safeco Field. Many of you probably wanted to see this event near the top of the overall rankings, but you can bet that its poor showing at the box office will drag it down a few notches, unfortunately. Quality wise, it’s my favorite Mania of all-time, but the numbers do not lie on the business rankings.

The WWE was in major transition mode back then. The was the first Mania of the brand split era and the WWE was seeing if it was actually possible to create two fan bases similar to what wrestling had when WWE and WCW were at their respective peaks. That was probably unrealistic to think that it would go down that way, but the shows certainly were different in their presentation. Paul Heyman booked a simple, straightforward show on Smackdown featuring a lot of great wrestlers. Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle were at the top of the ladder on the blue brand and were flanked by several notable top talents such as Taker and Hogan, along with an awesome mid-card featuring Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, and Matt Hardy. Taker teamed up with giant newcomer Nathan Jones in an intriguing match (my college roommate really liked Jones) against Big Show and A-Train. Show and Taker had been feuding for quite some time. Hogan and McMahon proceeded to battle over who was the main one responsible for the success of Wrestlemania. 

I think the WWE put themselves between a rock and hard place, though, because SD was so much better than Raw, the flagship show. I don’t think they anticipated that when they split the rosters. Back then, it seemed like a foregone conclusion that Angle vs. Lesnar would main-event Mania after the lengthy story they set up in the months prior and Lesnar’s stature via victories over Undertaker and The Rock. Raw seemed to struggle to find its post-split identity. Triple H was there steering the ship, but the show had some major misses in the storyline department – I say that with a straight face even though they did well with the HBK, Stone Cold, and Rock returns. Booker T was thrust into the main-event and was a refreshing new, talented addition to the scene, but it came across as rather random given that he’d been tagging with Goldust for the better part of the previous nine months – not exactly a glowing resume for someone stepping up to the big time. Triple H vs. Book took center stage with the World title on the line in a feud that skirted racial lines, while Rock and Austin reengaged for their third Mania dance. The Rock was excellent in his role, shining as brightly as a heel as he ever had before. HBK and Y2J had a fantastic feud, as well, starting all the way back in December and carrying through to the end of March. 

Something was assuredly missing, though. Fans either did not buy into Book as a threat to the World title or did not want to see the third chapter of the grand stage Rock-Austin rivalry or did not care for Lesnar and Angle as the top acts or Hogan taking on McMahon in a match 20 years in the making. I cannot imagine why they wouldn’t have gotten into Y2J vs. HBK, but that’s the mark for both talking. I don’t know. I just don’t know. It was as stacked a Wrestlemania card as there has ever been, but fans just didn’t buy it. I can’t help but blame the Raw creative side. Perhaps the people had had enough with Katie Vick followed by the Scott Steiner fiasco. I guess we’ll never know until someone that lived it can explain it to us.

But this little nugget from a poster from TheColi.com may be the best reasonable explanation there is as to why so few people bought Wrestlemania XIX:

First digital cable only PPV. As in you could order it ONLY IF you had a digital cable box.

Yikes. You needed a digital box to buy it, or you were locked out? If that's the case, then way to go, WWE. You certainly shot yourself in the foot on that one. Here's a short list on what you may have missed out on that night:

• the surprise return of Rowdy Roddy Piper
• the last match of Stone Cold Steve Austin
• one of the last matches of The Rock
• catfight girls
• the last Wrestlemania bout of Hulk Hogan's career
• Brock Lesnar damn near breaking his neck

Consider what I'm about to do a solid. Here's Wrestlemania XIX. Does it hold up against recent Manias? Where does it rank all time? You be the judge. You're welcome.

Compliment Sandwich: RAW 8/19/13

Haven’t done one in a hot minute, so let’s get to it: good and bad things about last night's RAW in alternating fashion.

• Let’s get this out of the way: I love… love… LOVE angry Daniel Bryan. Angry Daniel Bryan is the best Daniel Bryan, and…holy shit, guys, he went in HARD on Stephanie McMahon. In his first segment as the #1 babyface in WWE, D-Bry did well for himself. He’s no B+, my man, my woman. He’s an A with two pluses, minimum. Side nugget: remember that time when WWE had nearly every top star out at the same time for about two months in 2001? Or when Smackdown had nearly every top star out at once in 2007? That’s sorta where WWE is right now. If D-Bry gets hurt, WWE’s in deep shit. That brings me to this…
• I hate that I have to have been subjected to John Cena’s elbow to start RAW. I can’t unsee that. Thanks, USA Network. Speaking of that elbow…
• I like that John Cena’s gonna go away for a while. No, this isn’t Cena hate talking. This is a guy that hasn’t had a lot of off time, and he and his character BOTH need it. I don’t wish injury on anyone, but the injury couldn’t have come at a better time for Cena…or worse for USA. Holy shit, they’re gonna get slaughtered when football season comes.
• Seriously though: never show that elbow again. EVER.
• I hate what has become of Sin Cara. He was Triple H’s first signee back in 2010, and holy shit, has this dude flopped. And Sin Cara himself has to share in the blame. In three years, he’s spent about half of it on the DL, and when he is available, he has by many accounts not acclimated himself to the WWE style (nor his co-workers). His dislocated finger(s) may be the final straw for the man formerly known as Mistico.
• I may be the in the minority, but I like the pairing of Ricardo Rodriguez and Rob Van Dam. Yeah, I and all of America were expecting Rey Mysterio, but I guess this will have to do. Maybe this leads to the return of Mysterio down the line, because we know RVD’s not winning this feud. Ricardo’s back though, so it’s cool.
• Los Matadores are Epico and Primo, repackaged? I so do not like. Tell me, WWE, how has the repackaging of Joe Hennig worked out for you? Speaking of which…
• CM Punk going all “and you shut up, fat boy!” on some fat dude in the front row is awesome. I love that. Know what I also loved? Punk murdering the shit out of Curtis Axel. He has mattered for like two weeks total. And that includes his time as Michael McGillicutty.
• Anything involving Total Divas gets an automatic hate. Period. A new crop of divas cannot come fast enough.
• I love the GORE! GORE! GOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRREEEEEE! from Roman Reigns. And I love Dolph Ziggler’s selling of said gore. It’s not a spear when Roman does it, and I will not refer to it as such.
• I hate that The Shield had to go twice last night. Hate it because two-thirds of The Shield are potentially hurt. Seth Rollins banged his knee pretty hard, and Roman Reigns, himself on the business end of a GORE from Big Show, practically liquefied his insides.
• Though the trio bringing down the hammer of justice (that’s what I call that three-man powerbomb) on Big Show is always awesome looking. Like that.
• Should have mentioned this earlier: I hate pantsuit Stephanie McMahon. It’s like her only outfit now on WWE programming. If you’re gonna be a heel, (a) get some new wardrobe, and (b) slut it up a little. There’s a way to make it work in PG WWE. Figure that shit out.
• Bray Wyatt referring to himself as the new face of fear? I like that, though if some combination of the Yet-tay, a dead Avalanche, Kevin Sullivan, and Ed “The Butcher” Leslie walk through that door with you, we’re gonna have to fight, okay? Thanks. Side nugget: people are clapping along to his theme song. It’s gonna be sing along in about two months.
• For about a year, I blasted Tensai on Twitter every time he came on my television. Guy was stealing money. That honor as of now goes to Wade Barrett, pit fighter. He’s done nothing of significance since getting his elbow blowed out. I hate this guy is on my TV.
• I did like, however, they paired him with two other wastes of time in the same segment: Fandango and The Miz, which, by the way, came off the heels of a 3MB versus Usos match. Remember when the Usos were a thing? Viewer dropoff’s gonna be huge, ya’ll. That leg drop from Fandango was the truth, though.
• I hate the Corporate Shield. It pretty much goes against the purpose of why they came to WWE in the first place. Just saying.
• I like heel COO H. And heel Randy Orton, dream killer (Christian, Chris Benoit, and Daniel Bryan’s first title runs all ended at the hands of Randy Orton). I also liked that they actually took a moment to explain why the two are paired up with the McMahons proper.
• What, COO H? You didn’t do it for The Rock? DO. NOT. LIKE. If you didn’t do it for The Rock, you did it wrong. Fuck you, Triple H.
• I like Daniel Bryan, little scrapper. After getting his ass handed to by The Shield, and handing them said ass, Daniel Bryan, with what little strength he had left, finally made it to the ring, only to get the business end of an RKO.
• Fuck it. I hated that ending. That shit depressed me. It also depresses me that about 75% of all RAWs from here to Wrestlemania 30 will end like that. But it’s necessary. If you’re gonna sell the underdog/redemption story, said underdog has to get his shit kicked in. A lot.

So we now have the storyline that will carry us through at least football season: Daniel Bryan as a man alone against the WWE machine. And he literally is a man alone. John Cena and Sheamus are likely out for the remainder of the year, meaning he’ll be the babyface flagbearer. We’ll find out sooner rather than later whether WWE can ride with Daniel Bryan long-term. More importantly, we’ll find out if fans have the patience to stick out the ride through its ups and many, many, many downs.

P.S. Notice how WWE made absolutely no mention of Darren Young coming out last week? I like that. I purposefully did that for this compliment sandwich. Plus the Primetime Players were taking on the Real Americans. Sorry, but Jack Swagger’s a reason to change the channel.

Compliment Sandwich: Great American Bash 2005

When 2005 began, many people were wondering who would be the man that would carry the WWE into the future. After all, the people that were most recently pegged to do so were all gone: The Rock to Hollywood and semi-retirement in 2002, Stone Cold Steve Austin to injury and forced retirement in 2003, and in 2004, Brock Lesnar to the NFL (or at least anything not WWE).

By Wrestlemania 21, they had found two men: John Cena and Dave Bautista. They had both come up through their farm system, Ohio Valley Wrestling, and debut in the summer of 2002. Despite terrible first gimmicks (plucky underdog and "deacon"), they broke through in 2004, and by the end of the 21st Wrestlemania in Los Angeles, it was clear they were the men of the future. This was a first for the "draft era": John Cena would lead the charge on Smackdown, while Dave Bautista would do the same on RAW. 

But the 2005 Draft Lottery changed all that. The two leading men would be the first and last men transferred in that draft lottery, sending Cena to RAW (and, in essence, making it its flagship show again), while Batista got shuttled to Smackdown. 

The Batista move is one of the stories surrounding the 2005 edition of The Great American Bash. The show took place on July 24 in Buffalo, just three and a half weeks after Batista was sent to Smackdown with his world title. John "Bradshaw" Layfield won a match he thought was for the "Smackdown Championship" (when Cena moved to RAW, that left Smackdown without a world champion), but instead was basically told by Teddy Long that he had to win one more match to be called champion. The other major feuds involved the continuing drama between Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio and The Undertaker and another lottery selection Muhammad Hassan. The terrorist overtones of the angle forced WWE to end it prematurely under threat of being tossed from UPN.

The show is generally looked upon about as well as its 2004 counterpart, which is to say not well at all. And when the DVD was released, they knew it. One of the extras is a match from the 1990 Great American Bash between Ric Flair and Sting. When you have to dig in the archives to get people to buy the DVD, you didn't do a good job with the show.

Nonetheless, I'll try and say something nice about it. I don't even know if I can do it. Here we go.

• Opening package. Awesome.
• Tag title match to start. MNM (Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, and Melina) versus LOD 2005 (Animal and Heidenreich).
• Melina’s entrance… epic.
• Not sure how Animal (who is Fat Animal, like 2001 Animal in WCW) and Heidenreich got together, but whateves.
• BTW: the only reason this match exists and why Fat Animal has a job in WWE is because they have to push that Road Warriors DVD. At least they weren’t hiding it, I suppose.
• And because John Laurianitis is the brother of the dead half of the real LOD, Hawk.
• And I believe it’s post Heidenrape.
• LOD 2005 wins. Meh match. At least the crowd was engaged. Probably because of Fat Animal.
• Melina’s pissed. But she can’t grieve forever: she’s got a match later.
• Josh Matthews’ hair is out of control. Eddie Guerrero looks high, drunk, or both.
• Ok, now Eddie no longer looks high or drunk.
• Christian vs. Booker T up next. Christian damn near killed Booker dead two weeks before setting up the match.
• Christian just as he is beginning his Captain Charisma days.
• I loved Waterproof Blonde’s version of “Just Close Your Eyes”.
• “ALALALALA” sign in the second row. Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh…
• Sharmell will smack a bitch.
• Christian went after Sharmell…and got the Rock Bottom. That should have been the finish. Hate that wasn’t the finish.
• Stop breaking the count damnit!
• Scissors kick from the second rope…nice!
• Major cleavage by Melina. I LOVE!
• Orlando Jordan coming out to dead silence. Inexplicable that to this point he’s been United States Champion for four months.
• Chris Benoit so got jobbed. Fuck Orlando Jordan.
• The good news is this would be corrected the next month at Summerslam. In a 25-second opener.
• Orlando’s theme music sucks too.
• Standing ovation for Benoit. He carried Orlando Jordan, who sucks major ass, to something awesome. Good for you, Buffalo, for reacting correctly.
• Undertaker vs. Muhammad Hassan in a #1 contender’s match is next. Ultimately, the stipulation turns out to be useless, but here’s the controversy in a nutshell: Davari caught a beatdown by Undertaker, then Undertaker gets choked out by piano wire by a group of “terrorist-type” folks in masks led by Hassan. Then Davari gets carried out by said group in a martyr-type fashion. A bit edgy, yes? Well, here’s the problem. While the show taped on the 4^th of July, it aired on the 7^th of July, the same day of the London terrorist attacks. WWE caught a lot of heat for the angle, particularly from UPN, threatening them to kick them off their network if Hassan appeared again on Smackdown. Seeing that (a) WWE still had a year left on their deal with Viacom, and (b) they didn’t wanna end up like TNA (who at the time had no TV deal at all), WWE caved in.
• Fuck. Even I got uncomfortable watching that promo.
• Terrorists, Tazz. Terrorists. Or an Invader tribute band.
• Hassan saying that if he fails, he’ll never show his face on Smackdown again. Foreshadowing, kids.
• Terrorists doing their best Nexus/Shield impersonation.
• Fucking terrorists man.
• Of course Hassan lied. He’s a terrorist or at least he rolls with them. As someone once said, tell me who you’re with and I’ll tell you who you are.
• Terrorist with the piano wire. The fuck, man.
• Hassan with the camel clutch. No. Not racist at all.
• Electric chair…and the five moves of doom. Or something. Terrorists getting fucked up.
• Terrorists, Cole. It’s okay.
• Chokeslam does it. And here they come again.
• Undertaker’s had enough of their shit.
• Piano wire guy gets dropped on his fucking head.
• Davari head first through the front of the announce table.
• Hassan’s crawling away. But one doesn’t simply run from Undertaker.
• And that’ll do it for Hassan. Last Ride through the stage.
• Didn’t like the beatdown. Lasted way too long. Was there no way to condense that into like four minutes or something?
• So if you’re scoring at home, Undertaker in consecutive Great American Bash PPVs has killed Paul Bearer and killed Muhammad Hassan.
• Torrie Wilson is here to make us all feel a better.
• The Mexicools versus the Blue World Order. Yeah, I’m gonna skip this.
• And speaking of things that make me uncomfortable, the direction the EVIL Eddie Guerrero-Rey Mysterio feud has turned at this point.
• Remember when Vickie Guerrero was kinda hot?
• Still kinda sucks that the last significant feud Eddie had was the one involving Dominick. Makes me wanna puke.
• But hey, we get an Eddie Guerrero-Rey Mysterio match. There’s no such thing as a bad Guerrero-Mysterio match. That’s a fact.
• EVIL Eddie Guerrero looks high.
• Rey Mysterio with his son Dominick. Since Eddie is running Rey to keep the big secret locked away, Dominick has to watch from ringside.
• Code of Honor got a little creepy there.
• Pedo Guerrero? Not cool. Using Dominick as a shield? Not cool. So not cool.
• EVIL Eddie Guerrero is entertaining if nothing else. In the last three years of his life, he figured it out, and he put it all together. No wonder why he got fast tracked to the WWE Hall of Fame posthumously.
• Goddamnit, stop being Pedo Guerrero.
• This is easily the best match on the board, but Dominick is so taking away from this match.
• Oh, he has more than a few friends in that building, Tazz.
• EVIL EDDIE GUERRERO BRAINBUSTER!
• Wow. The Prince Iaukea finish. Loved the ending, hated the execution. Here’s why: from frog splash to crucifix rollup was all of seven seconds. Rey took five suplexes, a brainbuster, and a frog splash. Recovery time should have been a lot longer than seven seconds. In WWE ’13, you don’t recover from that in seven seconds.
• Guerrero getting in the face of a fan. Fan be like, I don’t care, dude. I got this sweet cowboy hat, you got nothing.
• Of course, the match ultimately meant nothing: EVIL Eddie revealed the secret four days later on Smackdown.
• JBL looks ridiculous as fuck.
• Bra and panties match next. Candice Michelle is referee for some reason. Also wearing a garter for some reason.
• EVIL Melina looking way overclothed. And not doing her entrance. And those pants. No. Just… no. All sorts of no.
• Torrie Wilson kinda sorta channeling her inner Lita.
• Ineffective abdominal stretch proves super effective.
• Torrie’s sans top.
• Candice Michelle be like, “this is a legitimate match, yo.”
• Torrie loses pants, and it’s an upset win for Melina…
• …who still loses her pants.
• Candice, the referee, also down to her bra and panties. I guess we can call the taste of the Guerrero-Mysterio match officially washed.
• Main event is up: Batista vs. JBL for the World Heavyweight Championship.
• JBL still looks ridiculous as fuck.
• Not sure if he’s fighting for the World Heavyweight Championship or running for mayor of Buffalo.
• Batista, the first man to main event consecutive brand-exclusive PPVs for different shows (Vengeance in June, Great American Bash in July), complete with pooping pyro. I kinda enjoyed the pooping pyro.
• It’s 300-pounder-with-limited-moveset-and-power-game-on-300-pounder-with-limited-moveset-and-power-game crime. This should be fun.
• Batista be like, “pitch and catch at the backyard”.
• That’s true, Tazz. Muscle loses to steel every time. Sometimes muscle loses by like seven.
• Ok, I know I’m supposed to say nice things, but I just fast forwarded about six minutes. This match…is…boring. If you have trouble sleeping at night, just put this match on.
• I mean, this is supposed to be a slugfest, but this is the worst kind.
• Did the DVD cut out a couple minutes?
• Of course Batista kicked out, dumbass. What did you fucking expect to happen?
• Nick Patrick is down, and it is bad. Batista did push the ref into JBL though.
• Batista busted for steel chair use. PPV ends on a DQ, and Batista loses his shit. Hate, hate, hate.
• Demon bomb to OJ, demon bomb to JBL.
• The original plan was for Muhammad Hassan to get his comeuppance at Summerslam against Batista, but corporate hubris and real-life events killed those plans, so we get this garbage finish.

There are two kinds of bad wrestling shows: ones that are bad, yet oddly entertaining (like some WCW shows in 2000), and ones that are bad and boring. The Great American Bash 2005 falls in the latter category. To the surprise of no one, the surviving members of the Smackdown Six (Guerrero, Mysterio, Benoit) deliver the goods. But the emotion of this PPV is tepid at best. The custody angle comes off as hokey, and the terrorist angle comes off as dumb. Still though, I do recommend Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio. And the ladies looked good. I mean, as Scott Keith once said, it’s hard to screw up a bra and panties match.

The rest: not so much. 

Back For Seconds

Well, after watching the hot garbage that was the 2004 Great American Bash, it’s only appropriate that I chase it with something worse:

The 2005 edition of The Great American Bash.

The show took place on July 24, 2005 and was the first Smackdown PPV post-Draft Lottery. Why is this important, you ask? During that draft lottery, Smackdown got their heart ripped out of their chest.

Instead of the draft being done in one night (as was done in 2002 and 2004), the ten selections (five to Smackdown, five to RAW) would be spread out over a few weeks. On June 6, the first draft pick was a game-changer. John Cena, the WWE Champion and Smackdown’s franchise player, was heading to RAW. RAW would also get Kurt Angle, Carlito, The Big Show, and Rob Van Dam, while Smackdown got former world champions Chris Benoit and Randy Orton, as well as Muhammad Hassan and Davari, Christian, and on June 30, world heavyweight champion at the time Batista. The June 6 move of John Cena (and Smackdown’s move from Thursday to Friday later that summer) effectively made Smackdown the B-show, and for nearly a month, was without a world champion to call its own.

The show itself, emanating from the HSBC Arena in Buffalo, New York, featured eight matches, three of them for championships. John “Bradshaw” Layfield, thought to be the new Smackdown champion, is instead #1 contender to Batista’s World Heavyweight Championship. Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero had yet another classic battle, and in a bout with dark clouds and controversy circling over it, The Undertaker took on Muhammad Hassan.

So… is the show any good? Let’s find out:

From Sean Carless at thewrestlingfan.com:

Although there was several bright spots here and there, apparently, this was not a well received PPV on any level. Buyrates are looking grim, and it’s said that Vince himself was furious at the Main Event. But he should have known better than to book it. To me that's like shooting yourself in the face, then being pissed off when it actually hurts. But hey, whatever.

Ok, not a promising start. Larry Csonka (no relation) in a 2006 review of the show for 411mania.com:

This PPV blew. It featured below average-to-average matches, and no payoff. The TNA shows at this time were blowing it away, which made this even worse. The GAB felt like my wallet was getting raped, as well as my love of wrestling. In the end, I genuinely feel ripped off after this PPV, and only buy it if you are into S&M.

Maybe Scott Keith will say something nice: 

Sure, the SMURF system has a good backstory, but really when you have a main event like JBL v. Batista, you can only truly express yourself by quantifying your hatred with red hot pokers.

Wow... rating a show based on a hot poker system. Hardly inspiring confidence. KB’s Wrestling Reviews:

Headline is “So Boring I Have No Witty Title”. And this little sentence before the review: “You can tell this show is weak: the sponsor is WWE.com.”

Think I better grab some caffeine for this one. Can I say anything nice about GAB 2005? Find out later.

Poster looks awesome though.

Darren Young: Gay And Very Happy

(Credit WWE Memes on Facebook. You should give them a like. For real though.)

By now, you've heard the news: Darren Young, one-half of the Primetime Players, said in a TMZ interview yesterday (released this morning) that he's gay and he's very happy. He's the first openly gay wrestler on the active WWE roster. From the interview:

"Absolutely (I think a gay wrestler could be successful), look at me. I'm a WWE superstar and to be honest with you, I'll tell you right now, I'm gay. And I'm happy, very happy. To be honest, I don't think it matters. Does it matter? Does it matter to you? Does it change what you think about me? I guess if you want to call it coming out; I really don't know what to say it is but I'm just letting you know. I'm happy with who I am, I'm comfortable with myself, and I'm happy to be living the dream. I'm in L.A. for 'SummerSlam' with WWE. You know, to be honest with you, I'm happy with myself. Some people might not like it, some people will like it but I'm here to please myself. I'm here to be happy and it's very important that I'm happy with myself. I'm hoping to be able to make a difference, you know? It's very important to me that people understand that someone's sexual preference shouldn't really matter. It should be about the person."

Some of WWE's biggest names have come out in support of Young, including WWE Champion John Cena, and WWE brass including Vince McMahon, Stephanie McMahon, and Triple H. Even his tag team partner, Titus O'Neil, has his back. WWE announced via a press statement that Young will be a part of the B.A.Star anti-bullying campaign events in Los Angeles today where this bombshell I'm sure will be a big topic of conversation.

Bueno. Muy bueno. I know we're a long ways away from this being, you know, not news, but we are also a long ways from where we were. Orlando Jordan and the late Chris Kanyon both came out, but long after they were away from the spotlight. The reaction when they revealed themselves as gay (or in Orlando's case, bisexual) wasn't nearly as positive as it is now. The fact that Darren is getting such a reaction says a lot of good things about us as a society. The fact is it's a big deal, but it's not. Instead of being all "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?", we're like "It's cool." And that's a good thing.

But then again, when you have a first and middle name of Frederick Douglass, you're probably were born to make a little history anyways.

And if you have a problem with that, then you have a problem with yourself.

Though I do kinda have a problem with TMZ calling Darren Young a "headlining wrestler". Clearly they don't watch enough Monday Night RAW.

Good on you Darren.

Compliment Sandwich: The Great American Bash 2004

The reboot of The Great American Bash took place on June 27, 2004 from the Norfolk Scope in Norfolk, Virginia. This was the same building where D-Generation X ran up on WCW Nitro's lawn just hours before they went on the air. It was the first time the event was held since WCW held its final edition in 2000. There were eight matches on the card, headlined by a Texas Bullrope match for the WWE Championship between Eddie Guerrero and challenger John "Bradshaw" Layfield and a handicap concrete crypt match between The Undertaker and WWE Tag Team Champions The Dudley Boyz, where if Undertaker didn't "do the right thing" by Paul Heyman, Taker's long-time manager Paul Bearer would be encased in concrete.

It's been called one of the worst PPVs WWE has ever produced. Dave Meltzer of Wrestling News Observer called the main event "a travesty" and went on to "win" Worst Worked Show of the Year that year. KB's Wrestling Reviews called it "torture". IMDB reviewers: "the worst piece of horse-crap I've ever seen trying to pass itself off as a wrestling p.p.v.", "PLAIN RUBBISH", "Just F'N awful", "it makes me wonder what ever happened to the heart of the WWE. Skip this pay per view by any means." Hell, even I put it in the dirty dozen of the worst PPVs ever.

So... with all that negativity surrounding this event, can I possibly say anything nice about it? Anything? Anything?

• Opening was kinda cool.
• Torrie looked good though. Just saying.
• John Cena in the old Michael Vick #7 Virginia Tech jersey with the US Championship belt. Pre-spinner, by the way. While it still mattered. Show opens with a four-man eliminator for the belt.
• I always hated Rene Dupree. Fuck him.
• Side nugget: three months prior, Booker T and Rob Van Dam were the world tag champions on RAW together. The Dudley Boyz were also in that match.
• Never, ever understood why WWE does multi-man matches in this manner: two in the ring, everyone else rests. I mean, I see why they do it. I just hate that they do it. If you’re in the match, fucking engage man.
• RVD does two five-star frog splashes, then gets okeydoked into elimination by Cena. Yeah….no.
• Kurt Angle as Lex Luthor. I kinda enjoyed it.
• Charlie Hass with future wife Miss Jackie. Looking good.
• Sable looking all star-spangled out too. If I’m not mistaken, Sable was gone not long after this. (Wikipedia check: less than two months later)
• I totally forgot: Smackdown kinda got fucked up real bad in the 2004 Draft Lottery.
• Ouch. Broken freaking neck maneuver by Luther Reigns. Yup, he just beat former tag champion Charlie Haas. Nobody cared.
• Another Rey Mysterio-Chavo Guerrero match? Really?
• My God, the commentary for this match is asinine. There’s being a smart ass, and there’s being stupid, and we’re treading dangerous waters here.
• Not a holy shit moment. But pretty damn impressive though with the senton from the top rope to the floor. At least the crowd is engaged.
• 15 minutes plus. Not gonna lie, but the cruiserweight title match has been pretty good.
• Mysterio with the sunset flip pin reversal from the Gory Bomb. Nice finish.
• Funaki with the proper reaction to Torrie Wilson.
• This match was set up just three days before the PPV: Kenzo Suzuki vs. Billy Gunn. Must… try…to care.
• Nothing says “All-American” like a former King of the Ring winner whose push got buried in eleven words: “Bob? But my name’s Billy--It doesn’t matter what your name is!”
• Suzuki wins with an inverted DDT backbreaker thingie. Nobody cared.
• Not even sure what Sable was wearing. But whateves. Looks good from the back though.
• Torrie looks good too. BTW: the divas match, made three days before the show. I think half the show was made three days before.
• Tazmaniac reference.
• Wow… a little too much snap on the neck, Sable.
• Sable’s dead weight. Possibly dead. Stop the match, little Naitch.
• Fuck that ending six ways to Sunday. Fucking referee.
• BIG FEET, DAWN. FOCUS.
• BTW: In the WWE DVD version, the stock theme replaced was an unused version of the theme soon to be known as Mr. Kennedy.
• Mordecai vs. Hardcore Holly: the third match on this show (at least) that was made on the Thursday before the PPV).
• I know I’m supposed to say nice things about this, but even I have standards. I’m skipping this match on principle. Mordecai wins with the Razor’s Edge, by the way.
• Texas bullrope match. Strap match rules apply (touch four corners in a row to win). Competitors must stay attached to rope at all times. An intentional removal = DQ.
• We have a cowbell. How nice.
• And corner lights.
• The Judgment Day spot. Bradshaw bleeds, though not nearly as much.
• Guerrero got fucked up on that toss to the Spanish table. No break. No bueno.
• Ok, now Bradshaw’s bleeding.
• Cowbell right in the cowbell. That’s a perfect description, isn’t it?
• And now the Strap Match Ending™.
• Eddie wins! Eddie wins! Eddie wins!
• Fuck.
• Fuck.
• Fucking fuck fuckerty fuck. Eddie Guerrero’s one and only world title run ended on that.
• Crowd reacts correctly. About as correctly as can be without chanting “bullshit”. I totally wouldn’t have blamed them for chanting it though.
• Fuck.
• Life truly isn’t fair. Vince’s pet project #433 goes over the people’s choice. Fuck.
• Concrete Crypt match next. This, by the way, is the main event. Fuck me.
• Dudleys and Paul Heyman out first. Dudleys are the WWE Tag Team Champions.
• Undertaker and his awesome entrance. There’s no such thing as a not-awesome Undertaker entrance.
• Doing the right thing (as if you haven’t figured it out already) was for the Undertaker to lay down for the Dudleys.
• Not 13 years, Cole. They separated for about two in the late 90s. Then all of the early 2000s during the American Bad Ass era. So… more like seven. But close.
• Keep waiting, Bubba.
• Calling the Undertaker a bad dog? Hate. Hate. Hate.
• Undertaker wins. Of course.
• And it was Undertaker himself that pulled the lever to finish the concrete crypt. And that’s the last we see of Bearer until 2010.

Wow. This PPV basically encapsulates the state of Smackdown post-Smackdown Six and post-Draft Lottery 2004. It was unwatchable. Wrestlemania XV is practically unwatchable today, but at least you feel good when you’re done. Not here. After the cruiserweight match, you get three matches made on less than a week’s notice that no one cared about, followed by a WWE title match with a Dusty finish, followed by one of the worst main events in wrestling history. No wonder people left there thinking they just came from a funeral. At least the title matches are worth your time. The best thing about Great American Bash 2004: scroll up. Though the 2005 poster is way better.

Where Have I Been?

Yikes. I just realized it's been almost a week since I wrote anything in here. Well, I'm in the process of moving... again. Second time this year, third time in a year and a half. Long story about why I'm moving after just three months, but that's for another day and that's not why you're here. You're here for me to say nice things about bad wrestling shows.

Today, I'll be watching another bad wrestling show: the 2004 Great American Bash. But first, a quick history lesson.

The brainchild of "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes, The Great American Bash was originally an NWA event, first produced by Jim Crockett Promotions, then by WCW (in fact, The Great American Bash in 1991--another bad PPV I'll say nice things about later in the month--was the first major show under the WCW banner) in June or July (or in the case of 1986, August) every year from 1985 to 2000, except 1993 and 1994 for some strange reason. The rights to the name were of course acquired following the sale of WCW to the WWF in 2001, but was left dormant until 2004 when the WWE rebooted the concept.  WWE's version was a Smackdown-only PPV from 2004-2006 before becoming an interpromotional PPV from 2007 to its demise in 2009 when it was simply called The Bash. There was also a one-time reboot in 2012 when the name was used for a special live episode of Smackdown. To this day, it is the only WCW event to get a WWE reboot.

2004's version emanated from the Scope in Norfolk, Virginia; ironically, this would be the closest this event would get to its home for many years in WCW, Baltimore, Maryland. How shallow was the talent pool on Smackdown in 2004? Mind you, this was following the departure of the man pegged to be face of Smackdown and the WWE, Brock Lesnar. Luther Reigns, Mordecai, and Kenzo Suzuki all won a match on the show. All three would be gone by the following summer. This match also had the infamous concrete crypt handicap match between The Undertaker and The Dudley Boyz.

Is this PPV bad? Quoting from a few reviews:

From TUPWrestlingForm.com:

The Dudley's boys main evented the ppv, need I to explain anything else. Just a terrible card that featured the Billy Gunn facing off against the immortal Kenzo Suzuki.

From forums.wrestlezone.com:

That card is atrocious. Luther Reigns versus Charlie Haas? Kenzo Suzuki versus Billy Gunn? Mordecai versus Hardcore Holly? The next time you want to complain about a WWE or TNA pay-per-view, this event should be used as a point of reference for how things could be a whole lot worse. 

From funk1987.wordpress.com:

This one was another case where Smackdown fell  victim to Raw due to the draft lottery. Plus, the late great Eddie Guerrero dropped the strap to JBL in a bull rope match! And it gets worse, the Undertaker loses to the Dudley Boys in a concrete crypt match ,where poor Paul Bearer gets submerged in concrete to his death! 

Ok, that's fan opinion. How about something more authoritative?

Like JD Dunn of 411mania:

The Concrete Crypt match ranks as one of the single stupidest things I've ever seen in wrestling (and I've seen Abdullah the Butcher strapped in a chair and electrocuted). It's bad on so many levels that I don't even have the time or energy to go into them. On top of that, Undertaker has now squashed Kane, Booker T, the Dudleyz and JBL in successive PPVs. With the possible exception of the Dudleyz, all of those guys are heavily involved in the WWE's booking. That brings me to the other main souring point for most fans — JBL's title win. Look, I can't stand the guy either, but he's worked hard both in the ring and in promos to become the best heel he can be. So how do you build this guy up into the star that's going to draw big money…well, if you're the WWE, you have him win the title on a screwjob finish, lose in his first major title defense and get chokeslammed through the hood of his own limo. If you're going to push him, push him. If not, then don't give him the title. It's not that hard. Rey vs. Chavo was good. Eddy vs. Bradshaw was very good. The rest can go to hell. Strong recommendation to avoid.

KBsWrestlingReviews.com:

Overall Rating: R. As in returned like a bad steak at a restaurant.  Oh just no. I mean NO. This isn’t acceptable. Let’s see: attempted murder, actual murder, Bob Holly, Billy Gunn, Charlie Haas, and JBL, who at the time was a midcard guy for about ten years, is the new WWE Champion. This was AWFUL and while there are some ok matches, some of the things here simply are not acceptable whatsoever. Horrible show, and somehow it might get worse next year. 

Not exactly inspiring confidence, especially when the headline from that above review reads "this is the preferred torture method in 19 countries".

Maybe Dave Meltzer will have something nice to say about it:

Besides the final match being a travesty, the show was marred by four matches with almost no build-up until days before, thrown out, all of which were bad. The three consecutive matches with Billy Gunn vs. Kenzo Suzuki, Torrie Wilson vs. Sable, and Bob Holly vs. Mordecai were as bad as any three straight matches on a WWE PPV in recent memory. 

Scott Keith, maybe?

This match (the concrete crypt match), however, should have had a TV-14 rating on it, as in you must not have an IQ over 14 to enjoy it or the Undertaker's act these days. 

Yikes. Looks like a long afternoon may be ahead for me. I'll report back later.

Compliment Sandwich: Wrestlemania XV

Full disclosure: this Wrestlemania holds a special place in my heart. It’s the first Wrestlemania I watched on PPV (watched it with a couple of my brothers), and a couple years ago, I got it on DVD. Not the Wrestlemania Anthology version: the original version (which, along with Sable: Unleashed, was the first DVD produced by the WWF).

Full disclosure again: this show is awful, especially when you hold it up against today’s product. It’s not on the level of IV, IX, and XI, but it barely clears the bar. Barely (on the strength of the main event alone). But among the “bad” Wrestlemanias, this is my favorite.

Wrestlemania XV took place from the First Union Center (today named the Wells Fargo Center) in Philadelphia on March 28, 1999, just a day shy of a year since Stone Cold Steve Austin first won the WWF title and set the wrestling world on fire. Since that day, the WWF had a renaissance. Once left for (and declared) dead by WCW executive vice-president Eric Bischoff, the WWF had caught and, in recent months, surpassed its rival in their head-to-head Monday night programming.

This was in part due to a style of wrestling programming dubbed “Crash TV” by head writer Vince Russo. His idea: have as many things happen as possible so as to keep the viewer constantly engaged. Matches were merely background noise for the stories surrounding them. Characters were outlandish and controversial. And there was always a surprise or swerve around the corner. As crazy as the idea was, it worked for the WWF, as they saw record ratings and revenue. Of course, having the McMahon filter certainly helped, as WCW would find out a year later.

Oh, in true Attitude Era fashion, the tagline for this Wrestlemania: The Ragin’ Climax. Can I make nice with this edition with the “Showcase of the Immortals”? Let’s find out.

• Boyz II Men doing “America the Beautiful”. Promising start.
• Love the opening with Classy Freddie Blassie.
• Cole and Lawler on the call. No. Just… no. Yes, I fully understood the situation regarding Jim Ross around this time (Bell’s Palsy from a couple months back).
• Smart call to start Wrestlemania XV with a hardcore title match. First person through the curtain: Al Snow, a former ECW combatant. Did I mention the ECW Arena’s not too far from the First Union Center?
• Billy Gunn inexplicably in the hardcore title match with Al Snow and “Hardcore” Bob Holly. No. Do not like.
• “LET’S GO FLYERS!” “ECW!” At least Philly is engaged.
•  Al Snow and Hardcore Holly would go on to be trainers on the original Tough Enough a couple years later.
• Billy Gunn does the work, Bob Holly reaps the reward. Sucks for Billy. I believe Billy’s the first to lose his title at Wrestlemania without actually being beat for it.
• Not even 30 seconds after the opener, we go to the tag title match. The challengers were decided in this manner: 20-man preshow battle royal, last two become a team for the night. In true Russo fashion, the final two don’t get along. Those two: D-Lo Brown and Test.
• What is Debra almost wearing? (Side nugget: Debra recently became a college graduate at age 53.) I likes so much.
• Nice shirt, Test. Guns don’t kill people. I kill people. Good thing it was 1999, I suppose.
• Five minutes of my life I won’t get back. That match sucked. The tag title match the year before: The New Age Outlaws going HAM against Cactus Jack and Chainsaw Charlie for 14 minutes in a dumpster match. The year after: the triangle ladder match classic that forever set the bar for ladder matches since.
• Wrestling ring being converted to boxing ring for the Brawl for All match. Your judges: former Mike Tyson trainer Kevin Rooney, the man that inspired the Rocky movie series Chuck Wepner, and Gorilla Monsoon in his final major public appearance before dying six months later.
• 36 seconds, and Bart Gunn’s wrestling career in America got the GTS in the form of Butterbean’s left hand.
• San Diego Chicken right on time though. Gotta wash the taste out of our mouths after witnessing that sudden victory.
• Mankind, aka the odd man left out in the world title picture, taking on Big Show in his first PPV match in the WWF. He debut six weeks earlier at St. Valentine’s Day Massacre.  
• Oh, the winner of the match gets the referee gig for the main event. I hate that stipulation so much, and I hate it even more that it’s being decided on PPV. Couldn’t ya have decided it in the preshow? Or on RAW the week before? (Smackdown wasn’t around yet.)
• Way to injure a vital player in the WWF with that backdrop, you fat fuck.
• That’s an odd disqualification. You know, a ref bump would have been just as effective. Just saying.
• And why is McMahon miked up?
• Any time Vince gets knocked on his ass is a good day. I like.
• You never seen Mankind get stretchered out? Hell in a Cell, King of the Ring 1998 says hello. Fucking Michael Cole.
• Intercontinental Championship is up next. Three of the four men involved in this match are connected with “Ken Shamrock’s sister”, Ryan. Road Dogg, the champion, is not.  Should have been Billy Gunn in this spot. Fucking Russo booking.
• I never was a Ryan Shamrock fan.
• Four corner rules apply. Two in at a time, anyone can tag anyone else. Get beat, get gone. Last man remaining wins. This was before they figured out a fatal-four-way-everyone-in-at-once would be way more effective.
• And of course it degenerates into a fatal-four-way-everyone-in-at-once match.
• Ken Shamrock proving once again he’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer by making it back at 10.5. Idiot. Venis also gets counted out but at least he earned his countout. He got his ass whooped.
• And Road Dogg wins less than a minute later. To quote Justin Henry from the Camel Clutch Blog, this match had “soap opera opportunites up the wazoo and they made it a slow paced 1 on 1 encounter”.
• Ryan with some awful, awful acting.
• And as it turns out, Big Show fits in a police car.
• Kane vs. Pete Rose: round 2. Second verse, same as the first. That’s the best part of this segment, as the match that follows…
• Triple H vs. Kane is slow and plodding. Neither was in their prime yet.
• Oh, this was the “Chyna’s eye put out by a fireball” match.
• Yeah, this crowd is not engaged. Can’t blame them.
• A wild Robo-Chyna appears.
• And Robo-Chyna nails Kane. Triple H gets disqualified. That’s two disqualifications, a countout, a knockout, and a title changing hands without the champion losing if you’re scoring at home. No. Do not like. At all.
• Show’s half over, still four matches to go.
• I heart Sable 1998.
• This, however, is Sable 1999. She’s “defending” the WWF Womens Championship against Tori. It’s gonna suck, ya’ll.
• Tori in a catsuit coming out to no reaction whatsoever.
• This, by the way, is the Trish Stratus-Mickie James angle done wrong. They would get it right seven years later.
• It should be worth pointing out that Tori was a pretty competent wrestler on the indie circuit prior to her WWF run.
• Sable’s in-ring skills have improved over the past year. Really, Cole?
• I’m trying to say nice things about this match, but the list of nice things about this match start and end with Sable’s outfit.
• Fuck me, there’s a ref bump in this match too.
• And Nicole Bass.
• Five more minutes of my life I’ll never get back.
• Shane McMahon: champion of Europe. It grinds my gears but he was the most credible McMahon champion of all the ones that held a belt until Triple H post-marriage.
• I always digged the custom shirts Shane had for his bouts.
• I also digged that they booked X-Pac like an underdog here. He’s fighting like seven or eight guys here not named Shane McMahon.
• Seriously though, they overbooked the hell out of this match.
• And the swerve I still hate to this day: not even 30 minutes after DX reunites, they break up. Triple H with the Pedigree to X-Pac, and that’s a wrap. Fuck Russo booking.
• Big Bossman gets the jobber entrance for the first Hell in a Cell match in Wrestlemania history. How bad is this Hell in a Cell? Well, there were two HIAC matches between the first one in October 1997 and this one that were on RAW. They made the compilation. This one did not.
• And Satanic cult leader Undertaker looks awesome. That’s the only redeeming quality of the next fifteen minutes or so.
• I know I have to be positive, so I’ll do that by doing this: I’m skipping this match. You should too.
• Seriously though, this match can go die in a fire.
• JIM ROSS! JIM ROSS! JIM ROSS! JIM ROSS! Fuck. Yes. Hit the bricks, Cole, you are out.
• Vince Mcmahon, clearly not in his best referee shirt.
• Shawn Michaels, clearly not dressed for Philadelphia weather. After the travesty that was Hell in a Cell, the crowd is engaged again.
• Ok, this promo’s going a bit long. This probably could have been done in about three minutes: McMahon’s out, Mike Chioda gets to referee. Where was Earl Hebner?
• The Rock, your WWF Champion, is out first.
• Vestless Stone Cold.
• And they’re throwing hands. I love that.  
• Chioda playing referee and security. Hope he got double pay.
• They’ve spent a lot more time outside the ring than inside at about four minutes in.
• Backdrop on to the lights. That sucked.
• This is a main event fight, and good on Austin and Rock treating it as such.
• The logo be swaying a little too much there. Just saying.
• About six minutes in, and they’ve pretty much gone around the whole arena floor.
• About eight minutes in, they finally get back in the ring. First move is the Rock Bottom. Damn.
• Goddamn, Chioda got killed dead with that chairshot. Get a hand up, man.
• Hey look! Psychology appears. Rock working on Austin’s knee. Here’s what happens when you get a couple guys that know what they’re doing and great chemistry with one another.
• A wild Tim White appears.
• It’s about eleven or twelve minutes and we finally get a resthold. Been that intense of a match.
• Rock Bottom to Tim White.
• Oh, hey. There’s Earl Hebner. Five seconds too late.
• A wild Vince McMahon appears. We’re getting dangerously close to overbooking territory.
• McMahon KOs Hebner.
• A wild Mick Foley appears. Referee #4. (#5 if you count Vince.)
• Austin nearly okeydoked Rock with a rollup.
• Rocky bricks the Corporate Elbow.
• Austin with the Stunner. Mankind counts 3. AUSTIN WINS! AUSTIN WINS! AUSTIN WINS! I approve of this main event. After what Philly’s been served with throughout the night, they deserved a sweet ending.
• Austin pulling Hebner in like, “we’re gonna celebrate until the wheels fall off.”
• Austin stuns McMahon. I love. LOVE.

For all the faults Wrestlemania XV had, it didn’t hurt WWF’s momentum against WCW a bit. In fact, WCW was going through one of their many periods of consistent incompetence at the time of Wrestlemania XV. So is it one of the worst PPVs ever? Yeah. But in this pile of garbage is the first major match of one of wrestling’s greatest trilogies: Austin-Rock. That match alone is worth your time. The rest: probably not so much.