Compliment Sandwich: Great American Bash 2005

When 2005 began, many people were wondering who would be the man that would carry the WWE into the future. After all, the people that were most recently pegged to do so were all gone: The Rock to Hollywood and semi-retirement in 2002, Stone Cold Steve Austin to injury and forced retirement in 2003, and in 2004, Brock Lesnar to the NFL (or at least anything not WWE).

By Wrestlemania 21, they had found two men: John Cena and Dave Bautista. They had both come up through their farm system, Ohio Valley Wrestling, and debut in the summer of 2002. Despite terrible first gimmicks (plucky underdog and "deacon"), they broke through in 2004, and by the end of the 21st Wrestlemania in Los Angeles, it was clear they were the men of the future. This was a first for the "draft era": John Cena would lead the charge on Smackdown, while Dave Bautista would do the same on RAW. 

But the 2005 Draft Lottery changed all that. The two leading men would be the first and last men transferred in that draft lottery, sending Cena to RAW (and, in essence, making it its flagship show again), while Batista got shuttled to Smackdown. 

The Batista move is one of the stories surrounding the 2005 edition of The Great American Bash. The show took place on July 24 in Buffalo, just three and a half weeks after Batista was sent to Smackdown with his world title. John "Bradshaw" Layfield won a match he thought was for the "Smackdown Championship" (when Cena moved to RAW, that left Smackdown without a world champion), but instead was basically told by Teddy Long that he had to win one more match to be called champion. The other major feuds involved the continuing drama between Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio and The Undertaker and another lottery selection Muhammad Hassan. The terrorist overtones of the angle forced WWE to end it prematurely under threat of being tossed from UPN.

The show is generally looked upon about as well as its 2004 counterpart, which is to say not well at all. And when the DVD was released, they knew it. One of the extras is a match from the 1990 Great American Bash between Ric Flair and Sting. When you have to dig in the archives to get people to buy the DVD, you didn't do a good job with the show.

Nonetheless, I'll try and say something nice about it. I don't even know if I can do it. Here we go.

• Opening package. Awesome.
• Tag title match to start. MNM (Joey Mercury, Johnny Nitro, and Melina) versus LOD 2005 (Animal and Heidenreich).
• Melina’s entrance… epic.
• Not sure how Animal (who is Fat Animal, like 2001 Animal in WCW) and Heidenreich got together, but whateves.
• BTW: the only reason this match exists and why Fat Animal has a job in WWE is because they have to push that Road Warriors DVD. At least they weren’t hiding it, I suppose.
• And because John Laurianitis is the brother of the dead half of the real LOD, Hawk.
• And I believe it’s post Heidenrape.
• LOD 2005 wins. Meh match. At least the crowd was engaged. Probably because of Fat Animal.
• Melina’s pissed. But she can’t grieve forever: she’s got a match later.
• Josh Matthews’ hair is out of control. Eddie Guerrero looks high, drunk, or both.
• Ok, now Eddie no longer looks high or drunk.
• Christian vs. Booker T up next. Christian damn near killed Booker dead two weeks before setting up the match.
• Christian just as he is beginning his Captain Charisma days.
• I loved Waterproof Blonde’s version of “Just Close Your Eyes”.
• “ALALALALA” sign in the second row. Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaahhhhhh…
• Sharmell will smack a bitch.
• Christian went after Sharmell…and got the Rock Bottom. That should have been the finish. Hate that wasn’t the finish.
• Stop breaking the count damnit!
• Scissors kick from the second rope…nice!
• Major cleavage by Melina. I LOVE!
• Orlando Jordan coming out to dead silence. Inexplicable that to this point he’s been United States Champion for four months.
• Chris Benoit so got jobbed. Fuck Orlando Jordan.
• The good news is this would be corrected the next month at Summerslam. In a 25-second opener.
• Orlando’s theme music sucks too.
• Standing ovation for Benoit. He carried Orlando Jordan, who sucks major ass, to something awesome. Good for you, Buffalo, for reacting correctly.
• Undertaker vs. Muhammad Hassan in a #1 contender’s match is next. Ultimately, the stipulation turns out to be useless, but here’s the controversy in a nutshell: Davari caught a beatdown by Undertaker, then Undertaker gets choked out by piano wire by a group of “terrorist-type” folks in masks led by Hassan. Then Davari gets carried out by said group in a martyr-type fashion. A bit edgy, yes? Well, here’s the problem. While the show taped on the 4^th of July, it aired on the 7^th of July, the same day of the London terrorist attacks. WWE caught a lot of heat for the angle, particularly from UPN, threatening them to kick them off their network if Hassan appeared again on Smackdown. Seeing that (a) WWE still had a year left on their deal with Viacom, and (b) they didn’t wanna end up like TNA (who at the time had no TV deal at all), WWE caved in.
• Fuck. Even I got uncomfortable watching that promo.
• Terrorists, Tazz. Terrorists. Or an Invader tribute band.
• Hassan saying that if he fails, he’ll never show his face on Smackdown again. Foreshadowing, kids.
• Terrorists doing their best Nexus/Shield impersonation.
• Fucking terrorists man.
• Of course Hassan lied. He’s a terrorist or at least he rolls with them. As someone once said, tell me who you’re with and I’ll tell you who you are.
• Terrorist with the piano wire. The fuck, man.
• Hassan with the camel clutch. No. Not racist at all.
• Electric chair…and the five moves of doom. Or something. Terrorists getting fucked up.
• Terrorists, Cole. It’s okay.
• Chokeslam does it. And here they come again.
• Undertaker’s had enough of their shit.
• Piano wire guy gets dropped on his fucking head.
• Davari head first through the front of the announce table.
• Hassan’s crawling away. But one doesn’t simply run from Undertaker.
• And that’ll do it for Hassan. Last Ride through the stage.
• Didn’t like the beatdown. Lasted way too long. Was there no way to condense that into like four minutes or something?
• So if you’re scoring at home, Undertaker in consecutive Great American Bash PPVs has killed Paul Bearer and killed Muhammad Hassan.
• Torrie Wilson is here to make us all feel a better.
• The Mexicools versus the Blue World Order. Yeah, I’m gonna skip this.
• And speaking of things that make me uncomfortable, the direction the EVIL Eddie Guerrero-Rey Mysterio feud has turned at this point.
• Remember when Vickie Guerrero was kinda hot?
• Still kinda sucks that the last significant feud Eddie had was the one involving Dominick. Makes me wanna puke.
• But hey, we get an Eddie Guerrero-Rey Mysterio match. There’s no such thing as a bad Guerrero-Mysterio match. That’s a fact.
• EVIL Eddie Guerrero looks high.
• Rey Mysterio with his son Dominick. Since Eddie is running Rey to keep the big secret locked away, Dominick has to watch from ringside.
• Code of Honor got a little creepy there.
• Pedo Guerrero? Not cool. Using Dominick as a shield? Not cool. So not cool.
• EVIL Eddie Guerrero is entertaining if nothing else. In the last three years of his life, he figured it out, and he put it all together. No wonder why he got fast tracked to the WWE Hall of Fame posthumously.
• Goddamnit, stop being Pedo Guerrero.
• This is easily the best match on the board, but Dominick is so taking away from this match.
• Oh, he has more than a few friends in that building, Tazz.
• EVIL EDDIE GUERRERO BRAINBUSTER!
• Wow. The Prince Iaukea finish. Loved the ending, hated the execution. Here’s why: from frog splash to crucifix rollup was all of seven seconds. Rey took five suplexes, a brainbuster, and a frog splash. Recovery time should have been a lot longer than seven seconds. In WWE ’13, you don’t recover from that in seven seconds.
• Guerrero getting in the face of a fan. Fan be like, I don’t care, dude. I got this sweet cowboy hat, you got nothing.
• Of course, the match ultimately meant nothing: EVIL Eddie revealed the secret four days later on Smackdown.
• JBL looks ridiculous as fuck.
• Bra and panties match next. Candice Michelle is referee for some reason. Also wearing a garter for some reason.
• EVIL Melina looking way overclothed. And not doing her entrance. And those pants. No. Just… no. All sorts of no.
• Torrie Wilson kinda sorta channeling her inner Lita.
• Ineffective abdominal stretch proves super effective.
• Torrie’s sans top.
• Candice Michelle be like, “this is a legitimate match, yo.”
• Torrie loses pants, and it’s an upset win for Melina…
• …who still loses her pants.
• Candice, the referee, also down to her bra and panties. I guess we can call the taste of the Guerrero-Mysterio match officially washed.
• Main event is up: Batista vs. JBL for the World Heavyweight Championship.
• JBL still looks ridiculous as fuck.
• Not sure if he’s fighting for the World Heavyweight Championship or running for mayor of Buffalo.
• Batista, the first man to main event consecutive brand-exclusive PPVs for different shows (Vengeance in June, Great American Bash in July), complete with pooping pyro. I kinda enjoyed the pooping pyro.
• It’s 300-pounder-with-limited-moveset-and-power-game-on-300-pounder-with-limited-moveset-and-power-game crime. This should be fun.
• Batista be like, “pitch and catch at the backyard”.
• That’s true, Tazz. Muscle loses to steel every time. Sometimes muscle loses by like seven.
• Ok, I know I’m supposed to say nice things, but I just fast forwarded about six minutes. This match…is…boring. If you have trouble sleeping at night, just put this match on.
• I mean, this is supposed to be a slugfest, but this is the worst kind.
• Did the DVD cut out a couple minutes?
• Of course Batista kicked out, dumbass. What did you fucking expect to happen?
• Nick Patrick is down, and it is bad. Batista did push the ref into JBL though.
• Batista busted for steel chair use. PPV ends on a DQ, and Batista loses his shit. Hate, hate, hate.
• Demon bomb to OJ, demon bomb to JBL.
• The original plan was for Muhammad Hassan to get his comeuppance at Summerslam against Batista, but corporate hubris and real-life events killed those plans, so we get this garbage finish.

There are two kinds of bad wrestling shows: ones that are bad, yet oddly entertaining (like some WCW shows in 2000), and ones that are bad and boring. The Great American Bash 2005 falls in the latter category. To the surprise of no one, the surviving members of the Smackdown Six (Guerrero, Mysterio, Benoit) deliver the goods. But the emotion of this PPV is tepid at best. The custody angle comes off as hokey, and the terrorist angle comes off as dumb. Still though, I do recommend Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio. And the ladies looked good. I mean, as Scott Keith once said, it’s hard to screw up a bra and panties match.

The rest: not so much. 

Back For Seconds

Well, after watching the hot garbage that was the 2004 Great American Bash, it’s only appropriate that I chase it with something worse:

The 2005 edition of The Great American Bash.

The show took place on July 24, 2005 and was the first Smackdown PPV post-Draft Lottery. Why is this important, you ask? During that draft lottery, Smackdown got their heart ripped out of their chest.

Instead of the draft being done in one night (as was done in 2002 and 2004), the ten selections (five to Smackdown, five to RAW) would be spread out over a few weeks. On June 6, the first draft pick was a game-changer. John Cena, the WWE Champion and Smackdown’s franchise player, was heading to RAW. RAW would also get Kurt Angle, Carlito, The Big Show, and Rob Van Dam, while Smackdown got former world champions Chris Benoit and Randy Orton, as well as Muhammad Hassan and Davari, Christian, and on June 30, world heavyweight champion at the time Batista. The June 6 move of John Cena (and Smackdown’s move from Thursday to Friday later that summer) effectively made Smackdown the B-show, and for nearly a month, was without a world champion to call its own.

The show itself, emanating from the HSBC Arena in Buffalo, New York, featured eight matches, three of them for championships. John “Bradshaw” Layfield, thought to be the new Smackdown champion, is instead #1 contender to Batista’s World Heavyweight Championship. Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero had yet another classic battle, and in a bout with dark clouds and controversy circling over it, The Undertaker took on Muhammad Hassan.

So… is the show any good? Let’s find out:

From Sean Carless at thewrestlingfan.com:

Although there was several bright spots here and there, apparently, this was not a well received PPV on any level. Buyrates are looking grim, and it’s said that Vince himself was furious at the Main Event. But he should have known better than to book it. To me that's like shooting yourself in the face, then being pissed off when it actually hurts. But hey, whatever.

Ok, not a promising start. Larry Csonka (no relation) in a 2006 review of the show for 411mania.com:

This PPV blew. It featured below average-to-average matches, and no payoff. The TNA shows at this time were blowing it away, which made this even worse. The GAB felt like my wallet was getting raped, as well as my love of wrestling. In the end, I genuinely feel ripped off after this PPV, and only buy it if you are into S&M.

Maybe Scott Keith will say something nice: 

Sure, the SMURF system has a good backstory, but really when you have a main event like JBL v. Batista, you can only truly express yourself by quantifying your hatred with red hot pokers.

Wow... rating a show based on a hot poker system. Hardly inspiring confidence. KB’s Wrestling Reviews:

Headline is “So Boring I Have No Witty Title”. And this little sentence before the review: “You can tell this show is weak: the sponsor is WWE.com.”

Think I better grab some caffeine for this one. Can I say anything nice about GAB 2005? Find out later.

Poster looks awesome though.

Compliment Sandwich: The Great American Bash 2004

The reboot of The Great American Bash took place on June 27, 2004 from the Norfolk Scope in Norfolk, Virginia. This was the same building where D-Generation X ran up on WCW Nitro's lawn just hours before they went on the air. It was the first time the event was held since WCW held its final edition in 2000. There were eight matches on the card, headlined by a Texas Bullrope match for the WWE Championship between Eddie Guerrero and challenger John "Bradshaw" Layfield and a handicap concrete crypt match between The Undertaker and WWE Tag Team Champions The Dudley Boyz, where if Undertaker didn't "do the right thing" by Paul Heyman, Taker's long-time manager Paul Bearer would be encased in concrete.

It's been called one of the worst PPVs WWE has ever produced. Dave Meltzer of Wrestling News Observer called the main event "a travesty" and went on to "win" Worst Worked Show of the Year that year. KB's Wrestling Reviews called it "torture". IMDB reviewers: "the worst piece of horse-crap I've ever seen trying to pass itself off as a wrestling p.p.v.", "PLAIN RUBBISH", "Just F'N awful", "it makes me wonder what ever happened to the heart of the WWE. Skip this pay per view by any means." Hell, even I put it in the dirty dozen of the worst PPVs ever.

So... with all that negativity surrounding this event, can I possibly say anything nice about it? Anything? Anything?

• Opening was kinda cool.
• Torrie looked good though. Just saying.
• John Cena in the old Michael Vick #7 Virginia Tech jersey with the US Championship belt. Pre-spinner, by the way. While it still mattered. Show opens with a four-man eliminator for the belt.
• I always hated Rene Dupree. Fuck him.
• Side nugget: three months prior, Booker T and Rob Van Dam were the world tag champions on RAW together. The Dudley Boyz were also in that match.
• Never, ever understood why WWE does multi-man matches in this manner: two in the ring, everyone else rests. I mean, I see why they do it. I just hate that they do it. If you’re in the match, fucking engage man.
• RVD does two five-star frog splashes, then gets okeydoked into elimination by Cena. Yeah….no.
• Kurt Angle as Lex Luthor. I kinda enjoyed it.
• Charlie Hass with future wife Miss Jackie. Looking good.
• Sable looking all star-spangled out too. If I’m not mistaken, Sable was gone not long after this. (Wikipedia check: less than two months later)
• I totally forgot: Smackdown kinda got fucked up real bad in the 2004 Draft Lottery.
• Ouch. Broken freaking neck maneuver by Luther Reigns. Yup, he just beat former tag champion Charlie Haas. Nobody cared.
• Another Rey Mysterio-Chavo Guerrero match? Really?
• My God, the commentary for this match is asinine. There’s being a smart ass, and there’s being stupid, and we’re treading dangerous waters here.
• Not a holy shit moment. But pretty damn impressive though with the senton from the top rope to the floor. At least the crowd is engaged.
• 15 minutes plus. Not gonna lie, but the cruiserweight title match has been pretty good.
• Mysterio with the sunset flip pin reversal from the Gory Bomb. Nice finish.
• Funaki with the proper reaction to Torrie Wilson.
• This match was set up just three days before the PPV: Kenzo Suzuki vs. Billy Gunn. Must… try…to care.
• Nothing says “All-American” like a former King of the Ring winner whose push got buried in eleven words: “Bob? But my name’s Billy--It doesn’t matter what your name is!”
• Suzuki wins with an inverted DDT backbreaker thingie. Nobody cared.
• Not even sure what Sable was wearing. But whateves. Looks good from the back though.
• Torrie looks good too. BTW: the divas match, made three days before the show. I think half the show was made three days before.
• Tazmaniac reference.
• Wow… a little too much snap on the neck, Sable.
• Sable’s dead weight. Possibly dead. Stop the match, little Naitch.
• Fuck that ending six ways to Sunday. Fucking referee.
• BIG FEET, DAWN. FOCUS.
• BTW: In the WWE DVD version, the stock theme replaced was an unused version of the theme soon to be known as Mr. Kennedy.
• Mordecai vs. Hardcore Holly: the third match on this show (at least) that was made on the Thursday before the PPV).
• I know I’m supposed to say nice things about this, but even I have standards. I’m skipping this match on principle. Mordecai wins with the Razor’s Edge, by the way.
• Texas bullrope match. Strap match rules apply (touch four corners in a row to win). Competitors must stay attached to rope at all times. An intentional removal = DQ.
• We have a cowbell. How nice.
• And corner lights.
• The Judgment Day spot. Bradshaw bleeds, though not nearly as much.
• Guerrero got fucked up on that toss to the Spanish table. No break. No bueno.
• Ok, now Bradshaw’s bleeding.
• Cowbell right in the cowbell. That’s a perfect description, isn’t it?
• And now the Strap Match Ending™.
• Eddie wins! Eddie wins! Eddie wins!
• Fuck.
• Fuck.
• Fucking fuck fuckerty fuck. Eddie Guerrero’s one and only world title run ended on that.
• Crowd reacts correctly. About as correctly as can be without chanting “bullshit”. I totally wouldn’t have blamed them for chanting it though.
• Fuck.
• Life truly isn’t fair. Vince’s pet project #433 goes over the people’s choice. Fuck.
• Concrete Crypt match next. This, by the way, is the main event. Fuck me.
• Dudleys and Paul Heyman out first. Dudleys are the WWE Tag Team Champions.
• Undertaker and his awesome entrance. There’s no such thing as a not-awesome Undertaker entrance.
• Doing the right thing (as if you haven’t figured it out already) was for the Undertaker to lay down for the Dudleys.
• Not 13 years, Cole. They separated for about two in the late 90s. Then all of the early 2000s during the American Bad Ass era. So… more like seven. But close.
• Keep waiting, Bubba.
• Calling the Undertaker a bad dog? Hate. Hate. Hate.
• Undertaker wins. Of course.
• And it was Undertaker himself that pulled the lever to finish the concrete crypt. And that’s the last we see of Bearer until 2010.

Wow. This PPV basically encapsulates the state of Smackdown post-Smackdown Six and post-Draft Lottery 2004. It was unwatchable. Wrestlemania XV is practically unwatchable today, but at least you feel good when you’re done. Not here. After the cruiserweight match, you get three matches made on less than a week’s notice that no one cared about, followed by a WWE title match with a Dusty finish, followed by one of the worst main events in wrestling history. No wonder people left there thinking they just came from a funeral. At least the title matches are worth your time. The best thing about Great American Bash 2004: scroll up. Though the 2005 poster is way better.

Where Have I Been?

Yikes. I just realized it's been almost a week since I wrote anything in here. Well, I'm in the process of moving... again. Second time this year, third time in a year and a half. Long story about why I'm moving after just three months, but that's for another day and that's not why you're here. You're here for me to say nice things about bad wrestling shows.

Today, I'll be watching another bad wrestling show: the 2004 Great American Bash. But first, a quick history lesson.

The brainchild of "The American Dream" Dusty Rhodes, The Great American Bash was originally an NWA event, first produced by Jim Crockett Promotions, then by WCW (in fact, The Great American Bash in 1991--another bad PPV I'll say nice things about later in the month--was the first major show under the WCW banner) in June or July (or in the case of 1986, August) every year from 1985 to 2000, except 1993 and 1994 for some strange reason. The rights to the name were of course acquired following the sale of WCW to the WWF in 2001, but was left dormant until 2004 when the WWE rebooted the concept.  WWE's version was a Smackdown-only PPV from 2004-2006 before becoming an interpromotional PPV from 2007 to its demise in 2009 when it was simply called The Bash. There was also a one-time reboot in 2012 when the name was used for a special live episode of Smackdown. To this day, it is the only WCW event to get a WWE reboot.

2004's version emanated from the Scope in Norfolk, Virginia; ironically, this would be the closest this event would get to its home for many years in WCW, Baltimore, Maryland. How shallow was the talent pool on Smackdown in 2004? Mind you, this was following the departure of the man pegged to be face of Smackdown and the WWE, Brock Lesnar. Luther Reigns, Mordecai, and Kenzo Suzuki all won a match on the show. All three would be gone by the following summer. This match also had the infamous concrete crypt handicap match between The Undertaker and The Dudley Boyz.

Is this PPV bad? Quoting from a few reviews:

From TUPWrestlingForm.com:

The Dudley's boys main evented the ppv, need I to explain anything else. Just a terrible card that featured the Billy Gunn facing off against the immortal Kenzo Suzuki.

From forums.wrestlezone.com:

That card is atrocious. Luther Reigns versus Charlie Haas? Kenzo Suzuki versus Billy Gunn? Mordecai versus Hardcore Holly? The next time you want to complain about a WWE or TNA pay-per-view, this event should be used as a point of reference for how things could be a whole lot worse. 

From funk1987.wordpress.com:

This one was another case where Smackdown fell  victim to Raw due to the draft lottery. Plus, the late great Eddie Guerrero dropped the strap to JBL in a bull rope match! And it gets worse, the Undertaker loses to the Dudley Boys in a concrete crypt match ,where poor Paul Bearer gets submerged in concrete to his death! 

Ok, that's fan opinion. How about something more authoritative?

Like JD Dunn of 411mania:

The Concrete Crypt match ranks as one of the single stupidest things I've ever seen in wrestling (and I've seen Abdullah the Butcher strapped in a chair and electrocuted). It's bad on so many levels that I don't even have the time or energy to go into them. On top of that, Undertaker has now squashed Kane, Booker T, the Dudleyz and JBL in successive PPVs. With the possible exception of the Dudleyz, all of those guys are heavily involved in the WWE's booking. That brings me to the other main souring point for most fans — JBL's title win. Look, I can't stand the guy either, but he's worked hard both in the ring and in promos to become the best heel he can be. So how do you build this guy up into the star that's going to draw big money…well, if you're the WWE, you have him win the title on a screwjob finish, lose in his first major title defense and get chokeslammed through the hood of his own limo. If you're going to push him, push him. If not, then don't give him the title. It's not that hard. Rey vs. Chavo was good. Eddy vs. Bradshaw was very good. The rest can go to hell. Strong recommendation to avoid.

KBsWrestlingReviews.com:

Overall Rating: R. As in returned like a bad steak at a restaurant.  Oh just no. I mean NO. This isn’t acceptable. Let’s see: attempted murder, actual murder, Bob Holly, Billy Gunn, Charlie Haas, and JBL, who at the time was a midcard guy for about ten years, is the new WWE Champion. This was AWFUL and while there are some ok matches, some of the things here simply are not acceptable whatsoever. Horrible show, and somehow it might get worse next year. 

Not exactly inspiring confidence, especially when the headline from that above review reads "this is the preferred torture method in 19 countries".

Maybe Dave Meltzer will have something nice to say about it:

Besides the final match being a travesty, the show was marred by four matches with almost no build-up until days before, thrown out, all of which were bad. The three consecutive matches with Billy Gunn vs. Kenzo Suzuki, Torrie Wilson vs. Sable, and Bob Holly vs. Mordecai were as bad as any three straight matches on a WWE PPV in recent memory. 

Scott Keith, maybe?

This match (the concrete crypt match), however, should have had a TV-14 rating on it, as in you must not have an IQ over 14 to enjoy it or the Undertaker's act these days. 

Yikes. Looks like a long afternoon may be ahead for me. I'll report back later.