Compliment Sandwich: The Great American Bash 2004

The reboot of The Great American Bash took place on June 27, 2004 from the Norfolk Scope in Norfolk, Virginia. This was the same building where D-Generation X ran up on WCW Nitro's lawn just hours before they went on the air. It was the first time the event was held since WCW held its final edition in 2000. There were eight matches on the card, headlined by a Texas Bullrope match for the WWE Championship between Eddie Guerrero and challenger John "Bradshaw" Layfield and a handicap concrete crypt match between The Undertaker and WWE Tag Team Champions The Dudley Boyz, where if Undertaker didn't "do the right thing" by Paul Heyman, Taker's long-time manager Paul Bearer would be encased in concrete.

It's been called one of the worst PPVs WWE has ever produced. Dave Meltzer of Wrestling News Observer called the main event "a travesty" and went on to "win" Worst Worked Show of the Year that year. KB's Wrestling Reviews called it "torture". IMDB reviewers: "the worst piece of horse-crap I've ever seen trying to pass itself off as a wrestling p.p.v.", "PLAIN RUBBISH", "Just F'N awful", "it makes me wonder what ever happened to the heart of the WWE. Skip this pay per view by any means." Hell, even I put it in the dirty dozen of the worst PPVs ever.

So... with all that negativity surrounding this event, can I possibly say anything nice about it? Anything? Anything?

• Opening was kinda cool.
• Torrie looked good though. Just saying.
• John Cena in the old Michael Vick #7 Virginia Tech jersey with the US Championship belt. Pre-spinner, by the way. While it still mattered. Show opens with a four-man eliminator for the belt.
• I always hated Rene Dupree. Fuck him.
• Side nugget: three months prior, Booker T and Rob Van Dam were the world tag champions on RAW together. The Dudley Boyz were also in that match.
• Never, ever understood why WWE does multi-man matches in this manner: two in the ring, everyone else rests. I mean, I see why they do it. I just hate that they do it. If you’re in the match, fucking engage man.
• RVD does two five-star frog splashes, then gets okeydoked into elimination by Cena. Yeah….no.
• Kurt Angle as Lex Luthor. I kinda enjoyed it.
• Charlie Hass with future wife Miss Jackie. Looking good.
• Sable looking all star-spangled out too. If I’m not mistaken, Sable was gone not long after this. (Wikipedia check: less than two months later)
• I totally forgot: Smackdown kinda got fucked up real bad in the 2004 Draft Lottery.
• Ouch. Broken freaking neck maneuver by Luther Reigns. Yup, he just beat former tag champion Charlie Haas. Nobody cared.
• Another Rey Mysterio-Chavo Guerrero match? Really?
• My God, the commentary for this match is asinine. There’s being a smart ass, and there’s being stupid, and we’re treading dangerous waters here.
• Not a holy shit moment. But pretty damn impressive though with the senton from the top rope to the floor. At least the crowd is engaged.
• 15 minutes plus. Not gonna lie, but the cruiserweight title match has been pretty good.
• Mysterio with the sunset flip pin reversal from the Gory Bomb. Nice finish.
• Funaki with the proper reaction to Torrie Wilson.
• This match was set up just three days before the PPV: Kenzo Suzuki vs. Billy Gunn. Must… try…to care.
• Nothing says “All-American” like a former King of the Ring winner whose push got buried in eleven words: “Bob? But my name’s Billy--It doesn’t matter what your name is!”
• Suzuki wins with an inverted DDT backbreaker thingie. Nobody cared.
• Not even sure what Sable was wearing. But whateves. Looks good from the back though.
• Torrie looks good too. BTW: the divas match, made three days before the show. I think half the show was made three days before.
• Tazmaniac reference.
• Wow… a little too much snap on the neck, Sable.
• Sable’s dead weight. Possibly dead. Stop the match, little Naitch.
• Fuck that ending six ways to Sunday. Fucking referee.
• BIG FEET, DAWN. FOCUS.
• BTW: In the WWE DVD version, the stock theme replaced was an unused version of the theme soon to be known as Mr. Kennedy.
• Mordecai vs. Hardcore Holly: the third match on this show (at least) that was made on the Thursday before the PPV).
• I know I’m supposed to say nice things about this, but even I have standards. I’m skipping this match on principle. Mordecai wins with the Razor’s Edge, by the way.
• Texas bullrope match. Strap match rules apply (touch four corners in a row to win). Competitors must stay attached to rope at all times. An intentional removal = DQ.
• We have a cowbell. How nice.
• And corner lights.
• The Judgment Day spot. Bradshaw bleeds, though not nearly as much.
• Guerrero got fucked up on that toss to the Spanish table. No break. No bueno.
• Ok, now Bradshaw’s bleeding.
• Cowbell right in the cowbell. That’s a perfect description, isn’t it?
• And now the Strap Match Ending™.
• Eddie wins! Eddie wins! Eddie wins!
• Fuck.
• Fuck.
• Fucking fuck fuckerty fuck. Eddie Guerrero’s one and only world title run ended on that.
• Crowd reacts correctly. About as correctly as can be without chanting “bullshit”. I totally wouldn’t have blamed them for chanting it though.
• Fuck.
• Life truly isn’t fair. Vince’s pet project #433 goes over the people’s choice. Fuck.
• Concrete Crypt match next. This, by the way, is the main event. Fuck me.
• Dudleys and Paul Heyman out first. Dudleys are the WWE Tag Team Champions.
• Undertaker and his awesome entrance. There’s no such thing as a not-awesome Undertaker entrance.
• Doing the right thing (as if you haven’t figured it out already) was for the Undertaker to lay down for the Dudleys.
• Not 13 years, Cole. They separated for about two in the late 90s. Then all of the early 2000s during the American Bad Ass era. So… more like seven. But close.
• Keep waiting, Bubba.
• Calling the Undertaker a bad dog? Hate. Hate. Hate.
• Undertaker wins. Of course.
• And it was Undertaker himself that pulled the lever to finish the concrete crypt. And that’s the last we see of Bearer until 2010.

Wow. This PPV basically encapsulates the state of Smackdown post-Smackdown Six and post-Draft Lottery 2004. It was unwatchable. Wrestlemania XV is practically unwatchable today, but at least you feel good when you’re done. Not here. After the cruiserweight match, you get three matches made on less than a week’s notice that no one cared about, followed by a WWE title match with a Dusty finish, followed by one of the worst main events in wrestling history. No wonder people left there thinking they just came from a funeral. At least the title matches are worth your time. The best thing about Great American Bash 2004: scroll up. Though the 2005 poster is way better.