Compliment Sandwich: WCW Nitro 5/22/2000

Yesterday, I did a compliment sandwich on one of my favorite RAW is War episodes, the night-after Judgment Day 2000 episode of RAW. Not only it was the free TV debut of American Badass Undertaker, it was The Rock going off on the McMahon-Helmsley Regime after (a) being screwed out of the WWF Championship, and (b) being told that he was to be in a one-on-four handicap match.

Today, I serve the compliment sandwich to the Nitro offering from competing (in name only these days) WCW. The David Arquette era has ended, but the war between the Millionaires Club, WCW’s established—and most popular—superstars and the New Blood, talent that felt they weren’t given a fair shake, rages on. It’s been just over a month since WCW “started over”, and already the WCW World Heavyweight Championship has changed hands five times. Jeff Jarrett won the vacated title at Spring Stampede, loses it to Diamond Dallas Page a week and a day later, who then loses it to David Arquette without being pinned, who then loses it back to Jarrett in a three-tier cage match at Slamboree, who again lost it eight days later.

The champion heading into this Nitro: Ric Flair. THE Ric Flair, now on his sixth (or seventh if you count that time the title got vacated in 1994) reign as WCW champion. However, he ended the Thunder before this show struggling to stay upright as he did get injured. Classy WCW makes an angle out of it. Of course. Meanwhile, Sting and Vampiro continue their fiery feud (literally), Hulk Hogan made out with Torrie Wilson, and the New Blood is fighting each other, and the Filthy Animals walked on the group.

Sounds like the latest chapter in this saga may feature some New Blood on New Blood crime. Let’s find out as WCW presents Nitro from the Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

• A pair of limos arrives. Why’s Vince Russo with the WCW title? And why is sad Vince Russo sad? And why is sad Jeff Jarrett sad?
• And why is there a round cage hanging over the ring?
• We open with a match. A match! The Cat versus Booker T in a weapons match. Martial arts weapons are legal.
• Awful martial arts by The Cat.
• The Cat at the time was training Eric Bischoff’s then-16-year old son Garret. I think that explains everything right there.
• A reminder of the “relaxed DQ rules”.
• Slick Johnson is your referee. I fucking hate Slick Johnson.
• Booker with a Rock Bottom. From out of nowhere.
• A wild Shawn Stasiak appears. Axe kick and chair to the back of the head takes care of Meat, but…
• A cartwheel kick puts down the Bookerman at 4:49. This, by the way, is the longest
• Misfits in Action with Major Gunns bringing up the rear.
• Three corner splashes, then Stasiak pulls out Cat. Charming.
• A wild Eric Bischoff appears. With Kimberly Page.
• Kimberly Page looks AMAZEBALLS.
• Asshole chants. And random mutes. Fucking WCW.
• Eric Bischoff played the sleazy heel about as good as anyone can.
• Bischoff offering the olive branch to MIA to join the New Blood. MIA’s response: kiss our ass, complete with Major Gunns (real name: Tylene Buck) pulling down her shorts and mooning the New Blood.
• Late-to-work Kevin Nash is a gimmick. Who knew?
• Booker T has been fired. Again. That’s twice since the reboot Booker T got fired.
• Sad Vince Russo is still sad. Mock Ric Flair funeral later.
• Terry Taylor with Reid Flair. Show of hands that 13 years later, you had only Terry Taylor still alive. Damn.
• Speaking of Terry, Terry Funk is set to retire tonight. Terry Funk retiring: one of wrestling’s most enduring gimmicks.
• Daffney versus Crowbar for the undisputed WCW Cruiserweight Championship is on deck. Daffney’s the champion (the second woman to win the belt in six months, BTW after Madusa won it at Starrcade 1999), but Crowbar’s got possession of the belt.
• Dare I say it: normal-sounding Daffney’s kinda hot.
• Thumb wrestling, then rock-paper-scissors. And then wrestling
• A wild Miss Hancock appears. Miss Hancock was formerly Nitro Girl Skye, real name Stacy Keibler.
• Daffney with a Frankenscreamer, but only gets two.
• Crowbar is confused.
• A wild Chris Candido appears with Tammy.
• ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
• Fire thunder driver by Candido to Crowbar, and that’ll do it for Crowbar. Daffney checks on Crowbar, but Mickey Jay counts the fall and Daffney’s the one and only Cruiserweight Champion at 3:02. Seemed a lot longer than that.
• Meanwhile, Torrie gives Horace a backrub. Because why not.
• The Bookerman’s got plans for next week. Meanwhile Norman Smiley and Ralphus are washing cars for a buck.
• Kidman wants Horace. Me thinks he knows now.
• Kidman versus Horace, apparently with Torrie Wilson as guest referee is off and running.
• Hogan versus Kidman announced for Great American Bash. Hogan wins, he gets a world title match. Hogan loses, he’s retired.
• Horace with table. Torrie’s gonna let it go.
• Torrie is not on the line, apparently. If you say so, Eric.
• A wild Terry Bollea appears.
• Kidman reverses a Horace Hogan powerbomb. One does not simply powerbomb Kidman.
• Horace on table, and Ho Kogan beals Kidman off the top rope through the table that Horace lays on.
• Hulk Hogan forces Torrie to count, and Kidman wins at 4:05, though the official result is a no contest.
• More Ric Flair mock funeralness. Complete with absurdly big nose.
• WCW Hardcore Champion Terry Funk with tuxedo and cowboy boots. Apparently, his announcement is most major. Retirement, perhaps?
• Terry’s daughter Brandi is in the front row.
• If it is a retirement, it’s an excuse to put this in. Terry Funk’s first attempt to retire, way back in 1983. Terry Funk’s wrestling career: Then. Now. Forever.
• A wild Shane Douglas appears, and wants Funk to speed it along.
• Funk’s announcement: it’s a boy. He’s gonna be a grandpa. Congrats, Terry.
• Funk’s another announcement: June 1, he’s done. Brad Siegel shed a tear.
• June 1, 2001. One more year. WCW didn’t survive one more year, but Terry’s wrestling career did.
• Shane Douglas does not seem amused, and the New Blood is beating on Terry, while Funk’s daughter Brandi watches.
• Piledriver on the chair, and that’ll do it for Terry.
• And a DDT on the chair on top of it.
• And a spike piledriver. This is officially fucked up.
• Shane Douglas takes possession of the hardcore championship belt, as a stretcher awaits outside.
• Major Stash appears and he swaps buckets.
• Yes, WCW is still paying Kanyon, dumbass.
• Tony Schiavone with the Billy Madison blast.
• Ok, remember when I said Terry Funk getting dropped on his head while his daughter watches was fucked up? I take that back. Mike Awesome in a wheelchair and halo mocking Chris Kanyon is fucked up. As long as the check clears, I guess.
• Mike “The Career Killer” Awesome versus The Wall in an Ambulance versus Tables match. First person to put his opponent through a table or stuff said opponent in an ambulance and shut the door wins.
• Mike Awesome backdrops The Wall through the table. Awesome wins in just 85 seconds. This is the first match tonight to not have an in-match run-in.
• But Wall’s up. And he’s pissed.
• A wild Shane Douglas appears with lead pipe.
• A wild Diamond Dallas Page appears from the back of the ambulance, where Mike Awesome gets tossed.
• Meanwhile, The Wall is killing Shane Douglas dead.
• Literally.
• New Blood as pallbearers carrying the “coffin of Ric Flair’s career”. Big production goof: Mike Awesome and Shane Douglas appear. That’s sloppy, yo. If it said “earlier” or “earlier today”, it would be all good.
• And the Filthy Animals’ car just got a white coat of paint.
• Ok, remember when I said that whole Terry Funk and Mike Awesome thing was fucked up? This is fucked up: the “death of the career of Ric Flair”.
• Flair collapsing turned into an angle. Fucking-A, man.
• Russo sucks. And three and a half months later, he really will have the WCW world title.
• But for now, Ric Flair’s stripped of the title, and Jeff Jarrett’s got the title. Again. Third time in five weeks he’s champion. I don’t even think The Rock got to three that quick.
• A wild Kevin Nash appears from in the casket. And Nash cleans house.
• Kevin Nash has possession of the world title belt. I’m not gonna get it.
• Pamela Paulshock with a pissed-off Russo. Nash is given 45 minutes to give the belt back to Jarrett, or they’ll take it by force, no holds barred.
• Two cheerleaders appear. Then Shikira. Then Scott Steiner, WCW United States Champion. He’s from Michigan, isn’t he?
• Apparently Scott Steiner had quite the time at Michigan.
• Apparently, Scott now travels with an “asylum” now, a circular cage. Two men enter, exit occurs only when someone quits.
• Rick Steiner versus his younger brother Scott in an Asylum match for the WCW United States Championship. A domed roof, and yeah. No way out. Rick realizes the gravity of the situation.
• Tank Abbott with bolt cutters and R&B Security.
• Tankberg. Really? Really?
• Bolt cutters didn’t work, but Tank popped Mickey Jay, and he’s got the controls, and it’s two-on-one.
• A wild Kevin Nash appears, with world title belt in hand. Title shots to Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott. Match is a no contest at 3:34.
• New interviewer Pamela Paulshock with Kevin Nash. Nash seems to approve of new interviewer Pamela. Anyways, Kevin makes a match. Jeff Jarrett versus Kevin Nash, winner gets the belt.
• Chuck Palumbo with R&B Security and Miss Elizabeth versus Diamond Dallas Page on deck. The R&B security guards here: Allen Funk, best known as Kwee Wee (and later Bruce in TNA) before Turner S&P killed that character, and “Above Average” Mike Sanders.
• Liz cracks five across Chuck’s face, and DDP nearly takes advantage.
• A wild Kimberly Page appears. With bat. And Kimberly with the bat to the back of Liz. Wow. That’s fucked up.
• A wild Mike Awesome appears with halo.
• Page brained with the halo, and the Torture Rack ends Page’s night at 2:58.
• Lex Luger checks on Elizabeth, and he’s in a bit of a dilemma. Help DDP or help Liz.
• Kimberly trips Lex just enough to get Luger popped in the face by Palumbo with a flexor thingie. Stretcher for Lex.
• Yup, it’s bad. Get him in the ambulance, already. Fuck.
• Kimberly blames Liz. Kim looks amazingly hot though.
• Terry Taylor with Reid Flair. Fuck, this is depressing to watch in hindsight.
• David Flair and a wild Daffney appear with one of them Bruiser Buddy thingies.
• Reid's pouring out his heart, and Terry Taylor got blasted with a figurine.
• Reid Flair with a double leg takedown. Two points, right?
• Well, now it's uncomfortable. David gutshots Reid, piefaces him, and now puts him in the figure four. Fuck, something's not right in this world if David Flair's allowed to walk the Earth and Reid's not.
• I know, Schiavone. What the fuck are you doing? You're making it real easy for people to not like you, WCW.
• And they're showing the replay. What. The. Fuck.
• Vampiro (with can of kerosene and blowtorch) takes on FUNB Hogan. 
• Sting versus Vampiro in a human torch match announced for the Great American Bash. Match continues until someone burns. What the fuck were they thinking?
• Vampiro gets the jump on Hogan.
• Clusterfinishes? Not in WCW? Remember this. Quiz later.
• How does Hogan handle all these challenges? Creative control, my dude. Creative control.
• Big boot and leg drop, but Hogan does not go for the cover. Wonder if it'll come back to bite him.
• A wild Billy Kidman appears and beans Hogan with the torch in the back. Vampiro takes advantage and gets the pin at 4:45.
• Sting appears and saves Hogan's ass.
• And Sting and Hogan whips on Vampiro.
• Filthy Animals no like the new paint. Wild Misfits in Action appear. Norman Smiley runs like hell. Ralphus is down. Paging Miss Gunns.
• Hustle, Miss Gunns. It's Ralphus, who slips her the tongue. You magnificent bastard.
• Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash for the vacated WCW World Heavyweight Championship. Nash has possession of the belt, and will only give it back on the condition that he's beaten in a match.
• For the third Nitro in a row, a world title match is the main event. 
• A wild Vince Russo appears with R&B Security.
• And he's the referee as Billy Silverman gets wiped out.
• I guess it's falls count anywhere. Not that it matters, since Russo won't give Nash a fair shake.
• Nash peppersprayed by Russo and stroked by Jarrett. Steiner's music played for a second for some reason, then stops.
• Then it plays again, and out comes Steiner. And he gets maced too. And handcuffed.
• Nash's had enough of their shit.
• Swing and a miss on the bloodbath as Nash was about to plant Russo with a powerbomb.
• Jarrett with the acoustic, and he wins the WCW world title for the third time in just 4:39. 
• Bischoff, Russo, and Double J brag, and scene.

Compliment Sandwich- WWF RAW #293 (January 4, 1999)

January 4, 1999 is a day that will forever live in wrestling infamy. On that night we had a rare daily double: both the WWF and WCW world titles changed hands. In fact, the two major promotions had world title changes within ten minutes of one another. Well…not exactly. While Hulk Hogan really did win the WCW title on January 4, Mankind had won the WWF title nearly a week earlier on December 29. With this little nugget being common knowledge among wrestling fans (about as far as common knowledge among wrestling fans traveled at the time—remember, the Internet wasn’t nearly as much a thing in 1998 as it is now), Eric Bischoff looked to pounce on the competition to get people to leave their TVs on Nitro and not flip to RAW. His idea, which had worked in the past: give away the results of the taped RAW.

Except this one time it was very different. Tony Schiavone, ever the good soldier, gave away the result of the forthcoming, yet already taped, WWF Championship match:

“If you’re even thinking about changing the channel to our competition fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their world title. Whoa! That’s gonna put some butts in the seats. Heh.”

That one time was very different because Nielsen metrics showed as many as 600,000 viewers who were actually watching Nitro at the time, tuned into RAW to see said world title change. Many of those people tuned back to Nitro at 11pm (see, with a taped show, there’s no threat of running overtime), and those people tuned into see their world title change via the infamous Fingerpoke of Doom. At the time of the announced title change, Nitro had been winning the head-to-head ratings battle for the night. They gave it away—literally—when they gave away the Mick Foley win. The rest is history.

So what’s going on in the WWF at the time?

Well, a few weeks earlier, all signs pointed to Mankind being Vince McMahon’s handpicked world champion when at Survivor Series: Deadly Game it was revealed that he was catfished and The Rock was Vince’s corporate champion. At Rock Bottom, Mankind had knocked out The Rock via Mandible Claw and should have been WWF Champion, but McMahon again intervened stating that The Rock was neither pinned nor made to submit so the title does not change hands.

Stone Cold Steve Austin, also catfished at Survivor Series, had to fight his way back into title contention. His first major hurdle was to beat The Undertaker in a Buried Alive match to get in the Royal Rumble, which he did. Austin has not been seen since that night because he’s on the DL.

The Corporation and D-Generation X are looking for ways to kill one another. Or at least antagonize one another.

Chyna and Mark Henry may or may not be dating.

And Shawn Michaels has just been fired as WWF commissioner for letting Shane McMahon take a beatdown and holding the Corporation back, but not before HBK kicks Vince in the face on the way out.

Your champions (at the time of the January 4 broadcast):

·         WWF Champion: The Rock

·         WWF Intercontinental Champion: Ken Shamrock

·         WWF European Champion: X-Pac

·         WWF Hardcore Champion: “Road Dogg” Jesse James

·         WWF Tag Team Champions: Big Boss Man and Ken Shamrock

·         WWF Womens Champion: Sable

So, if you’re scoring at home, the Corporation and DX hold every belt but one. Make no mistake: they are the featured story in WWF at the time, and it’ll play an awful big part in this episode. With that, let’s try and actually say some not nice things about the January 4, 1999 episode of RAW is WAR. Between some nice things of course.

• I’ve always loved the WWF Attitude signature.
• A career retrospective for Shawn Michaels to start, voiced over by Kevin Kelley.
• We interrupt this career retrospective to bring you RAW is WAR.
• Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on the call.
• Holy shit, there are a lotta bodies in the Corporation. One thing I don’t miss: ginormous stables.
• McMahon threatens that if Shawn Michaels shows up, he’ll be dismembered.
• Crowd at the Worcester Centrum seems unamused.
• Shawn Michaels arrives. Does the dismembering begin now?
• I guess it does.
• Shawn’s got backup…and it’s D-Generation X. Holy shit. It done just got real.
• Shawn’s contract is ironclad. He collects a paycheck until he resigns.
• President wasn’t lousy in retrospect. He was in office for the biggest economic boom in the history of the world.
• Almost forgot about this: Shane and Vince McMahon drawing Stone Cold Steve Austin’s number for the Rumble on the previous RAW. Austin was “drawn” #1, Vince #30, though he was hoping for #2.
• Shawn gives Vince his wish. Vince McMahon will enter the Royal Rumble #2.
• A stone cold crazy surprise. Gee, I wonder what that means.
• Wait… did we really need D-Generation X for this segment? It seemed unnecessary.
• And now the wrestling portion of the program. Ken Shamrock vs. Steve Blackman in a non-title match. The two will beef off and on until Shamrock leaves the WWF in the fall of 1999.
• A wild Dan Severn appears. Still with a broken freaking neck. There was never a proper blowoff between Shamrock and Severn, was it? It would have been amazeballs. I mean, amazeballs for 1999.
• I know UFC was the butt of jokes back in the day, but did you ever imagine a world where UFC PPVs would kill WWE’s offerings in buyrates on the regular?
• Billy Gunn with the Fameasser. Ref didn’t see it, of course, as he’s looking at Dan Severn. Blackman with the upset win at 3:26. Even in 1999, champions were jobbing in non-title matches.
• Gunn and Shamrock are fighting to the death.
• A wild Mankind appears. Unscheduled.
• Mankind apparently discovered himself in the previous two weeks: he enjoyed grabbing Pat Patterson’s balls, he said “suck it” without saying please, and he likes to kick McMahon family ass. Whatever ripes your melons, I guess, Mick.
• Mankind wants one more go at the WWF Championship at the Royal Rumble. He’s got a case; he did beat The Rock at Rock Bottom.
• Foley is God. Or good. Whateves.
• Yes, you can say ass, Mick.
• The Corporate team is not right behind you, Vince. If we can’t see them, they’re not there.
• Foley as WWF Champion stains the WWF? Tell Mick how you really feel, Vince.
• Mankind likes that roar. Not sure how he feels about this roar though.
• Vince, it’s Mankind this week. And if falling off a cage and getting a tooth stuck up your nose isn’t paying dues, I don’t know what is.
• So… I guess that’s a no on the rematch.
• Mankind vs. Triple H for a Royal Rumble match spot later. Shane McMahon will be the referee.
• “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry. He hearts Chyna. Mark Henry will face Goldust. Henry is only the second most perverted man in the ring. That in and of itself is an upset.
• PMS (Pretty Mean Sistas) was a thing once.
• Sushi-X sign in the fifth or six row. For some inexplicable reason, a Sushi-X sign appeared at every RAW for about two years.
• If McMahon’s so smart, why he give Shawn Michaels an ironclad contract? Just saying.
• A wild Chyna appears. With a friend.
• Goldust through the uprights and into Mark Henry’s groin area. Mark Henry with the DQ win at 3:44, though the bell never rings.
• Chyna, of course Mark Henry’s hurt. He just got kicked in the junk. It hurts like hell. I thought Chyna would be aware of such matters. Fuck.
• Um… duh, Chyna. Mark’s a fattie. 400 pounds.
• Chyna’s friend, Sammy. I believe Chyna has proposed a threesome. And Mark Henry faints. (Later, it was revealed that sweet Jesus, Sammy has a penis.)
• And on this day, Jesse Ventura is inaugurated as the Governor of Minnesota.
• And he had a home video release.
• Dennis Knight… hanging out. Creppy.
• Godfather versus Test up next. I believe this is his in-ring debut. He debuted on Sunday Night Heat the previous October as a bodyguard for Motley Crue.
• Hogan leg drop by Godfather gets a near fall. Brother.
• A wild Val Venis appears. That’s three out of three matches a wild someone appears.
• Double countout at 1:59, and it’s on. Val Venis is looking to murderdeathkill Test.
• D-Generation X…chatting. Looks like they’ve kissed and made up.
• Triple H versus Mankind with Shane McMahon as special referee up next. Winner is in the Royal Rumble. Triple H with robo-Chyna. Shane did referee in a past life, by the way.
• Mankind deserves to be shot? Wow, Lawler. How do you really feel?
• The Corporate Fan in the fifth row. That’s nice.
• We can hear it pretty clear if he does. I’m not saying it’s pindrop quiet, but you can most definitely hear it.
• Shane McMahon fast counts Mankind down. Triple H wins and gets a place in the Rumble at 2:57.
• Fuck, even in 1999, Triple H goes all about “business”.
• Surprise motherfucker. Triple H pedigrees Shane McMahon. Protect yourself at all times. Because reasons. And so Mankind can kill Shane again.
• Mankind with the Rings of Saturn on Shane. Or something. He’s gonna break that shoulder. He sounds kinda serious.
• Mankind wants a title match tonight or Shane gets that arm snapped.
• Vince agrees. Not good enough.
• No disqualification, and Vince agrees. Mankind challenges The Rock for the WWF Championship later.
• A wild Rock appears. He’s pissed. And he’s not ready. But he had to, Rock. Shane was gonna lose his arm, bro.
• Edge versus D-Lo Brown next. Edge coming through the masses. D-Lo Brown, apparently back from Aruba. Edge looks like he’s got his rape face on.
• Was D-Lo Brown really gonna chokeslam Edge?
• Edge with some serious hangtime on the cross body to the outside.
• It’s not a long shot. It’s 50-50 for Mankind to win the WWF title. Steiner math, yo.
• Running powerbomb could have gotten three if he didn’t take a moment to admire his work, D-Lo.
• Oh… the infamous Terri pregnancy angle. Yeah. I’m gonna skip this. By the way, match is a no contest at 4:57. I so hate the lost baby angle. Fucking Russo.
• Kane (with shameless plug for the Brisco Brothers Body Shop), Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and Shane McMahon with bum arm appear. It is changed to an impromptu match: Kane versus the stooges with Shane McMahon as referee.
• Vince McMahon is all like, “Kane. Sick balls.”
• It’s apparently “Kill Shane McMahon Night” on RAW. Vince talks Kane out of it under threat of going back to the insane asylum.
• Though Vince declares Kane the winner, it’s officially a no contest.
• Dennis Knight…still hanging out. The Acolytes tell Dennis that he’s ready.
• Road Dogg versus Al Snow for the Hardcore Championship up next. Don’t look at the head… too late. Al Snow catches the champion by surprise.
• 30 seconds in, a table appearance.
• Speaking of Al Snow, he’s in a blood-stained shirt. He got blood bathed two weeks prior.
• Al Snow moonsaults a table. Not effective offense. Just saying.
• Road Dogg hiptosses Al Snow through a table. That’s two tables down if you’re scoring at home.
• It’s becoming a backstage brawl in WWE ’13. Wonder if they based the backstage arena on this building.
• Holy shit, they’re in the snow.
• Piledriver onto a box. And that’ll do it. Road Dogg wins. In the snow. At 8:38, it’s by far the longest match of the night so far. It’s also the first match on the show with a clean finish.
• Road Dogg takes his rightful victory lap. That’s awesome. And it’s sensible because goddamn, it’s cold out there.
• Dennis Knight… deposited in a room somewhere while the Acolytes stand guard outside.
• Shawn Michaels done got dismembered by the Corporation.
• One can’t grieve forever, I suppose. The Rock versus Mankind for the WWF Championship in a no disqualification match. Challenger Mankind out with D-Generation X first. The Rock, clearly in the same clothes he was in earlier in the hour, out with the Corporation. At ringside: Billy Gunn, Chyna, Road Dogg, Triple H, X-Pac, Kane, Ken Shamrock, Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon, Test, and Big Bossman. That’s eleven people ringside. It might as well be a lumberjack match.
• Match’s not gonna end up in a wild schmozz like the other league. Foreshadowing, perhaps?
• At 1:26:20, we get our first appearance of Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler in this episode.
• Rock Bottom through the announce table. Of course.
• Comparing being the WWF Champion to being the Yankees center fielder or Cowboys quarterback. Um… okay.
• Corporate Elbow gets two.
• Mankind still has his old JOB Squad shirt. Didn’t realize that until now.
• Title shot from The Rock to Mankind’s face. Only two.
• Mankind with a double arm DDT, belt slips.
• A wild Socko appears. And it’s nap time for Rocky.
• Shamrock with a chair. Billy Gunn bumrushes Shamrock. It’s a zoo.
• Glass breaks. Oh wait. Now it’s a zoo. Stone Cold’s here. Holy shit, listen to that pop.
• Austin with a chair to Rock’s face.
• Mankind placed on top and at 8:48 is the new WWF Champion, much to the delight of the crowd.
• Oh, he can, and he did. Who knew a guy that once slept on the floors of Motel 6’s and in his Ford Fairmount and was once clotheslined so hard he couldn’t eat solid food for weeks would be the man that essentially delivered the killing blow in the Monday Night Wars?
• Yep, the man with the tattered shirt, a sweaty mask, and a sock puppet is the #1 man in the WWF.
• Mick Foley takes a well-deserved victory lap as the scene fades.

For the record, RAW got a 5.8 rating that night. Nitro began with a 5.6, but nearly lost a full point following the dead giveaway, but got back to 5.0 thanks to the Fingerpoke of Doom overrun. At the time, it was the largest combined audience for Monday night wrestling ever. If you paid attention through the episode, they were teasing something pretty big for Mankind throughout the night. While the episode is an all-time classic (it will be a part of the RAW 20^th Anniversary box set), most of the show is essentially filler. The meat comes in the last 30 minutes with the two title matches.  

Now, gonna try something new: things I liked and didn’t like in chart and/or graph form.

LIKE	The signature. I miss the hell out of it.
DIDN’T LIKE	The opening segment, which outside of the actual “dismemberment” of Shawn Michaels, meant nothing. There was actually a plan for a Shawn Michaels-Triple H match at Wrestlemania XV, but as Michaels needed to go under the knife, never came to fruition.
LIKE	The hardcore match. Yeah, these days it may be a little tough to watch given what we know about concussions and all, but this little nugget was a fun watch and is well deserved a place on the greatest RAW matches ever list. Not a top 10 or 25, mind you, but if you go to 50, sure.
DIDN’T LIKE	The pregnancy angle. So much hate for that angle. Fuck Vince Russo and whoever was the brains behind it.
LIKE	Hostile Mankind. He’s been catfished, had the WWF title taken away from him, and has had enough of the McMahon’s shit. So of course the next logical step was to take someone hostage.
DIDN’T LIKE	The fact they never explained the entire episode why Shawn Michaels decided to reunite with D-Generation X.
LIKE	Edge. Even in 1999, you knew this guy was gonna be a big deal if he could put it together. And he did.
DIDN’T LIKE	Creepy Edge rape face.
LIKE	The absolutely insane pop Stone Cold Steve Austin got, even though the whole building knew he was showing up at some point.
DIDN’T LIKE	That only one match had a clean finish. And it was the hardcore title match. But this was a sign of the times back then.
LIKE	Mick Foley getting his moment in the sun.

Compliment Sandwich- WWE Magazine’s 15 Reasons Why WCW Nitro Failed

Right around time of RAW’s 15^th anniversary, WWE put out a special commemorative issue highlighting the best and worst of WWE’s signature show. This was a year and a half before The Rise and Fall of WCW (which I highly recommend you watch, regardless of how you feel about WWE’s spin of some events), but it was a good six years after RAW’s competition, WCW Monday Nitro, left the airwaves. And always willing to beat a dead horse, WWE had a list dedicated to the show that it beat down (even after Nitro had beaten RAW every week for a year and a half): 15 reasons why Nitro failed.

Now, as it is my job to put a positive spin on some of the worst of wrestling (and through the benefit of hindsight), I’ll (attempt) to put a positive spin on the reasons why Nitro failed.

(15) Tony Schiavone. Sorry, I can’t even say anything nice about the man who claimed every night “was the greatest night in the history of the sport”. He spent most of his career in NWA/JCP/WCW, but did have a cup of coffee in the WWF in 1989 and 1990. The tease of the Wrestlemania VI main event between Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior that happened at the Royal Rumble was voiced by him. Apparently, he cooked a lot of bridges in WCW, allegedly hiding finishes and angles from his co-commentators and being generally lazy. Also, according to Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, he was only allowed a brief statement on his friend/co-commentator Gorilla Monsoon following his passing, though Schiavone didn’t want any mention of it at all. I could see why Schiavone didn’t like the idea: he replaced—and was replaced—by Monsoon in the WWF broadcast booth. Monsoon was beloved. Still is, for that matter. When WCW went under, the WWF didn’t come calling for Tony. When TNA was a PPV promotion, Tony was kicked after just one week. Even commentator/editor-in-chief of the Camel Clutch Blog Eric Garigulo had not nice things to say about Tony:

“Interestingly enough, I did a show back in 2007 as an announcer which was taped for pay-per-view from San Francisco. I got the booking when Tony Schiavone canceled. It amazed me that anyone would pay this man a penny to call a match on their pay-per-view. I was more than happy to take his booking.”

And with that, Tony, we’re out of time. You can go straight to hell.

(14) nWo 2000. WCW can only take partial blame for why this contributed to Nitro’s failure. Let’s make this clear: the New World Order was one of the greatest contributions to wrestling ever. Ever. That’s not debatable. How long it should have stuck around is, and while everyone has an opinion, many are of the opinion that bringing the group back in late 1999 was a bad idea. And perhaps as an act of karma, nearly everyone involved with the angle suffered. Goldberg, their main adversary, injured his arm breaking a limousine window. Chris Benoit, also feuding with the group, left for the WWF. Bret Hart, the group’s leader, was concussed into early retirement. Jeff Jarrett and Kevin Nash also had to sit out with injuries. Just as quickly as the “band got back together”, they were broken up.

(13) Anti-American Jim Duggan. No. Just… no.

(12) Chavo Guerrero and Pepe. All things considered, Pepe was far and away not the worst thing to happen to Eddie Guerrero’s nephew. For your consideration, in no particular order, here are five things worse:

a.      Chavo Guerrero once lost his ECW title match to Kane in ten seconds at WrestleMania 24.

b.     Chavo Guerrero was once karate chopped by Bob Barker.

c.      Chavo Guerrero was once Jack Swagger’s “Soaring Eagle”.

d.     Chavo Guerrero was once Kerwin White.

e.     Chavo Guerrero was the last man to lose the WWE Cruiserweight Championship. The manhe it lost to: Hornswoggle.

(11) Vince Russo in the Popemobile. Vince Russo: WCW world heavyweight champion is a much more egregious offense.

(10) Matches in the Mall of America. Those matches in the Mall of America beat Monday Night RAW that week in the ratings. Scoreboard.

(9) Fingerpoke of Doom. This moment did far more damage to WCW than any of us realize up until the whole Arquette thing. Forget the fact that Tony Schiavone on orders of Eric Bischoff foolishly underestimated the appeal of Mick Foley. Forget the fact for a moment that they were giving away yet another potential money-making main event (Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan were leading the two nWo factions in WCW—and they were at war with one another). Forget the fact that just over a year earlier, the WWF did something similar. Forget the fact that ratings actually stayed relatively steady in the weeks following this. This moment was a big middle finger to every one in WCW not named Kevin Nash or Hulk Hogan, and a big “fuck you” to every fan of wrestling in general. This title change makes the Montreal Screwjob pretty damn defensible. And that shit’s hard to defend. Apparently, there is a conspiracy theory that Hogan and Nash were plotting this from when Goldberg won the title fromHogan six months earlier in the Georgia Dome. I kinda believe it. That’s what you get, WCW. You never deserved to catch the WWF after that. I will say one nice thing: it doesn’t belong at #9. It belongs much, much higher. Like... #2. 

(8) The Magnificent Seven. Clearly not learning from their mistakes, WCW put together yet another stable in the dying days: The Magnificent Seven. Here’s the group: world champion Scott Steiner, WCW on-screen CEO Ric Flair, Rick Steiner, Jeff Jarrett, Lex Luger, Buff Bagwell, and Road Warrior Animal. Would you take this group seriously? You put seven upper-midcarders against this group, and they’d smoke them. That’s a fact.

(7) “Crazy” Ric Flair. Forget for a moment that Ric Flair may be legitimately crazy these days. Ric Flair and mental hospital are two things that shouldn’t be in the same sentence. Ever. It made the idea of Ric Flair as Spartacus look genius.

(6) New Blood vs. Millionaires Club. This was WCW’s last serious effort to generate interest in their product. They retconned everything and started over in a major reboot. Risky, considering the reboot was on the Monday before a PPV. And for a few weeks, it worked. The roster was as energized as it was in a long time. But here’s what killed it: the booking. The Millionaire’s Club, perceived to be the ones holding the younger talent back, were the faces in the feud against the New Blood. From the April 10, 2000 reboot to Bash at the Beach that July, the WCW world title changed hands twelve times, six of them coming on Nitro. Though Billy Kidman was one of the main sparks of the feud, he actually came out worse for it in the end (thanks to Hulk Hogan). In fact, the only person to come out better for the feud was Booker T. And he spent most of the feud as GI Bro. Think about that. Oh, and Kimberly Page. She had the sense to quit.

(5) Steve “Mongo” McMichael. Steve was a member of the Super Bowl-winning Chicago Bears in 1985, one of the greatest football teams ever assembled. And that’s where the niceness ends. Mongo was a bad commentator, bad wrestler, and if it weren’t for Paul Roma, would be the worst Horseman ever. Yes, Mongo was bad, but he was far from the most offensive. Plus, Mongo once was married to this.

(4) Disco Inferno. Again, bad? Yes. But enjoyably bad. In fact, Disco was one of my personal favorites in WCW. He was a guy you’d love to hate. And he is still alive, if you’re wondering. Like Mongo, not WCW killer bad, but bad enough to not cross into the offensive line. You know, like…

(3) The One Warrior Nation. WCW, allegedly at the request of Hulk Hogan, paid a hefty sum (as much as $2 million American) to get the legit crazy Ultimate Warrior on their roster for one purpose: to get that win back from Wrestlemania VI. Forget for a moment that the match from Halloween Havoc 1998 is legitimately one of the worst in recorded history. The Warrior return nosedived from the moment he got on the microphone. He talked. And talked. And talked. And pretty much lull people to sleep. And if that didn’t do it, subsequent Nitros saw Warrior appear and disappear in a cloud of smoke and trap doors and mirrors, a la The Undertaker (in fact, one of those trap doors essentially ended Davey Boy Smith’s career). And if that didn’t turn you away, then Warrior turning nWo member Disciple (aka Hogan BFF Ed Leslie) into some sort of gay sex slave probably will. The Warrior era ended after just twelve weeks, and as he had an ironclad contract, was paid a hefty sum of money to stay home. Compared to other financial flops that would befall WCW, this was minor. But among critical flops, this is easily near the top of the list.

(2) Misfits inAction. This was the group of wrestlers that was left out in the cold from the New Blood-Millionaires Club angle. The only problem was the group (outside of Booker T) was largely a bunch of jobbers no one cared about. Except adult film star Tylene Buck, aka Major Gunns. She was hot. It’s hardly a reason why Nitro failed, much less #2.

(1) David Arquette. He appeared on just three episodes of Nitro, yet his appearances did irreparable damage. In his defense, it wasn’t his fault. Really, it wasn’t. In a production meeting, Tony Schiavone jokingly kicked around the idea that David Arquette (who was on Nitro and Thunder to promote the WCW movie Ready to Rumble) could be world champion. Leave it to Vince Russo (who once thought Tank Abbott should be world champion) to take the idea seriously. To his credit, David (himself a longtime wrestling fan) thought that this was not a good idea. It didn’t stop Vinnie Ru from doing it, and on an episode of Thunder…of THUNDER, David Arquette wins the title, killing any remaining credibility the world title, the one held by guys like Ric Flair, Sting, Vader, even Hulk fucking Hogan, once had. To quote a wrestling message board post in 2009, “if the Fingerpoke of Doom gushed blood out of the organs of WCW, then the Arquette title win shot the organization in the face with the elephant gun.” I’m pretty sure no one recovers from being shot in the face with an elephant gun (I can't speak to this as I've never been shot with an elephant gun, nor know anyone that has), and neither did WCW. Ready to Rumble flopped, WCW TV ratings flopped, Slamboree 2000, in which Arquette was defending the world title, flopped, and WCW’s checkbook flopped and faceplanted in the cement. Something good did come out of it though: Arquette sensibly donated his WCW earnings to the families of Brian Pillman and Darren Drozdov.