Compliment Sandwich: RAW 9/16/13

Full disclosure: I quit on RAW a little after 10pm last night, so I didn't watch the final hour (and by the final hour, I mean the main event) until this morning. Anyways, here goes the compliment sandwich: things I didn't like sandwiched between things I did.

·         I love…LOVE…Daniel Bryan Danielson, WWE Champion. Yes, I’m fully aware this moment’s gonna get ruined in about 20 minutes, but screw it: Daniel Bryan woke up Monday morning as WWE Champion. He’s the only person in the world that could say that. Worshippers of the First Church of Daniel Bryan Danielson were LOUD last night.

·         So of course I hated that it only took eleven minutes for Daniel Bryan to be stripped of said WWE Championship. I understand why they did it—long-term storytelling and all—but damn, it kinda felt like it had your heart ripped out didn’t it? At least the plates exist for Bryan. (Bonus hate: since Punk’s 434 day run ended eight months ago, the WWE Championship has changed hands six times.)

·         Here’s an interesting nugget: The next time Daniel Bryan holds the WWE Championship, he’ll be tied for tenth all time in WWE title reigns with three. That will give him more reigns than Diesel, Ultimate Warrior, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho, Rey Mysterio, Andre the Giant, Bruno Sammartino, Bob Backlund, Randy Savage, CM Punk, Yokozuna, The Big Show, Batista, and Ric Flair.

·         I liked that it took only eleven minutes to get the obvious out of the way. Many people knew Daniel Bryan wasn’t going to finish the night as WWE Champion, so why dick around it. I also liked that EVIL COO H and EVIL RANDY ORTON, CAREER KILLER (more on that later) needed to pry it out of his cold dead hands.

·         So… no WWE Champion. Nope. Don’t like. How long until we fill that in?

·         And how for that matter?

·         And how does Scott Armstrong play into all this? There’s a conspiracy afoot. C-O-N…SPIRACY.

·         And your ether of the night goes to EVIL BITCH Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque. Stephanie telling Randy Orton, career killer to go find career killer Randy Orton because this Randy Orton don’t deserve to be WWE Champion was glorious. I like.

·         Dolph Ziggler’s from Cleveland? Didn't know that.

·         I feel the need to mention this: I hate Big Show crying like a bitch. In fact, the whole “Big Show is broke” storyline is bullshit. Any knucklehead (no pun intended) with an Internet connection and about two minutes with Google can tell you Big Show is not only not broke, but he’ll practically be swimming in dough long after he goes in the grave.

·         Ok, the part where Big Show cried like a bitch because he had to kill Dusty Rhodes dead: I like that. At least at that point it was appropriate. Because, you know, he might have killed Dusty Rhodes dead and Big Show may have to find a safe house or something because he might be wanted for murder.

·         I can’t believe I’m saying this: I kinda like EVIL BITCH Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley-Levesque. Making a father choose between his two sons? And sicking The Shield on him because he couldn’t make said choice? Then sicking The Crying Bitch on him? Fuck, if that isn’t evil bitch territory, I don’t know what is.

·         Her theme though: HATE. HATE. HATE. Bring back “My Time” if we can’t bring back “All Grown Up”. “Welcome to the Queendom” is AWFUL.

·         I also hate that Total Divas has done more harm to the divas division than good. Yeah, it brought attention to it, for about a month. Now I’m back to not giving a shit.

·         Ok, not entirely true. I care about AJ, because she’s awesome. I kinda sorta care about Natalya and Kaitlyn. The rest of the clan, Bellas included, can fuck off. Bring in Paige and Emma already. Hell, bring in Ric Flair’s kid and Bailey.

·         I will never understand the purpose of jobbing a Money in the Bank winner after he wins said briefcase. I asked my friends last night if Damien Sandow has won a match since winning the case. None of my friends said yes. Why should I believe he’ll be world champion, much less be a successful one?

·         Better question: why is there still more than one floating around? Make it just one case next year and have both champions having to look over their shoulders at the same time.

·         Yeah, there’s a conspiracy afoot. EVIL COO H “lets Scott Armstrong go”. He’ll be “taken care of” with a “nice severance package”. Ok, hip-hop. I love this storyline. Layers, my dudes. Layers. Question is how far up—or how far down—does the conspiracy really go.

·         Randy Orton, career killer is back. Orton kills Mike Mizanin while his family watches. Love, love, love.

·         If this happened anywhere but Cleveland, people would cheer the shit out of this. I’m sorry, but it’s a fact. The Miz is not exactly likable.

·         I will hate the fact that Paul Heyman will go to his grave with a pinfall victory over CM Punk. I like Paul Heyman. Hell, I love Paul Heyman. I mean, not in the way Paul Heyman loves Ryback (or vice versa, not that there’s anything wrong with that), but still, he’s made significant contributions to the wrestling business. But this bug-eyed fat walrus should not be walking the Earth with a win over CM Punk. EVER.

·         I hate that we’re getting Punk-Ryback again. Because that worked out so well for you last year. Hell, it was Ryback that put CM Punk on the shelf during the holidays and had him nearly stripped of the WWE Championship just as he was running down John Cena’s modern record.

·         Fuck Ryback.

·         More Wyatt World Order promos please. Thanks. Love these things.

·         Two championship reigns totaling less than one day is not progress. I like JBL, heel commentator, but stop making shit up. You’re as bad as the rest of them.

·         EVIL RANDY ORTON IS EVIL AS FUCK. Even has EVIL CHAIR SITTING POSTURE. It’s brilliant.

·         Why am I watching a replay of the end of last night’s match? There’s a match in progress. Hate that.

·         By the way, that fast count: that’s a normal count in the original ECW. If you can’t kick out of an ECW three count, you can’t kick out of a WWE three count. That’s a fact.

·         Still doesn't change the fact that Randy Orton got a knee RIGHT IN THE FUCKING EYE.

·         Holy shit! Uprising, you guys!

·         Kingston still killed dead with a GORE! GORE! GORE!

·         Knees to eyeballs, Seth. Seth Rollins died there.

·         And the church said Amen. Yeah, people are gonna be punished for this, but fuck it. People are rallying around Daniel Bryan. And he finished Monday Night RAW upright. For once. Love that.

Summary: A RAW without John Cena, CM Punk, Sheamus, and Alberto Del Rio, and it was actually good? I approve of this. A thousand times this. 

Wrestlemania XIX: The Best Wrestlemania You Didn't See

Allow me to beg your indulgence for a moment. Yours truly at Wrestling Compliment Sandwich is going to attempt to solve one of wrestling's great mysteries: that serious dip in buys for Wrestlemania XIX. 

As you can see by the graph above, the number of buys for Wrestlemania, the WWE's (all of wrestling for that matter) signautre event, rose every year after hitting rock bottom (no pun intended) in 1997 with 237,000 buys. Next year's show buyrate more than tripled on the strength of Mike Tyson and Stone Cold Steve Austin being a supernova by this point. it would steadily rise for the remainder of the Attitude Era, peaking at just over a million buys for Wrestlemania X-Seven. It dipped quite a bit for Wrestlemania X-8, but it could have been a hell of a lot worse were it not headlined by The Rock versus Hulk Hogan. Next year's show had Hulk Hogan and The Rock. And Stone Cold Steve Austin. And Triple H. And Brock Lesnar. And the Smackdown Six. And Shawn Michaels. And Chris Jericho.

560,000 buys. Here's a bit of perspective: every Wrestlemania since but one flirted with a million buys, with seven going over a million. 560,000 buys is also about as many PPV buys as Wrestlemania VI (that was The Ultimate Challenge one), where PPV wasn't as big a deal in 1990 as it was in 2003. And WM VI had way more filler. 

For posterity, here was the card for Wrestlemania XIX:

• Lance Storm & Chief Morley vs. Kane and Rob Van Dam for the World Tag Team Championship (Sunday Night Heat dark match)
• Matt Hardy vs. Rey Mysterio for the WWE Cruiserweight Championship
• Undertaker & Nathan Jones vs. Big Show & A-Train
• Victoria vs. Trish Stratus vs. Jazz for the WWE Womens Championship
• Team Angle vs. Los Guerreros vs. Chris Benoit & Rhyno for the WWE Tag Team Championship
• Shawn Michaels vs. Chris Jericho
• Triple H vs. Booker T for the World Heavyweight Championship
• Hulk Hogan vs. Mr. McMahon in a street fight 
• The Rock vs. Stone Cold Steve Austin
• Kurt Angle vs. Brock Lesnar for the WWE Championship

Pretty stacked card, wouldn't ya say? So... why so few buys?

Time to comb the Interwebs.

From WrestlingForum:

1) Overemphasis on Hulk Hogan vs Vince McMahon. Hogan vs Vince was Wrestlemania-worthy, but WWE hyped it as the biggest match on the card. Many posters featured a stare-down between Vince and Hogan, and the two of them often ended Smackdown shows each week. In fact, many people guessed that Hogan vs Vince was going to end the PPV! This hype, I think, hurt the PPV and drove casuals away. It should have been an upper-mid card match, not a main-event attraction.
2) Angle - Lesnar not a big enough draw. This one may surprise, but I think Lesnar and Angle was not big enough. Lesnar was the new guy who debuted 8-9 months earlier. He was booked strong, but people didn't know him well enough. Angle, on the other hand, was more well-know, but he has never been big among casuals. If WWE had gone HHH vs Brock Lesnar, I think Wrestlemania XIX would had been more successful.

Another from WrestlingForum:

- Lesnar was a horrible draw as WWE champion in late 2002. Which makes what he has become for UFC so much more amazing.
- Triple H had horrible angles and matches left and right in the several months leading up to WM19. TWO PPV matches with the Big Bad Booty Daddy (complete with memorable moments such as posedowns and bench press challenges), plus the subtle racist feud with Booker.
- Even though the Rock was displaying the greatest gimmick of all-time, the feud with Austin (who had lost so much momentum drawing-wise since his heel turn at WM17) just wasn't fresh. Also, doing the job for Hurricane (who went on to not appear on WM19 whatsoever outside of maybe being a Heat lumberjack) just made Rock look less credible. It wasn't the job so much, as the fact that he did it for someone left off the Grandaddy of 'Em All.
- Hogan vs. Vince, and a been-there-done-that Rock vs. Austin feud were not good enough top two main events in terms of marketing. Something else fresh with proven draws booked successfully for many months should have been marketed as THE top match, with the Monday Night Wars matches right underneath.
- Raw was just fucking atrocious during this period whenever the Rock or HBK/Jericho wasn't on the screen.

From 411mania.com (which happens to be asking this very question in their Ask411Wrestling feature this week):

Maybe interest in the product was down? Blaming Brock Lesnar vs. Kurt Angle for the poor number does not add up. That show was absolutely stacked from top to bottom. Just because the WWE Title match (from Smackdown no less) just so happen to go on last does not make them the scapegoat. A number of matches could have gone on last. If Stone Cold vs. The Rock was the final match, does that mean we can blame those two (huge draws) for the buy rate? Or Hulk Hogan vs. Vince McMahon, if that was the last match of the evening? The mystery still remains why WMXIX did such a dreadful PPV buy rate. It was not just down a little bit or a some slight decrease. When other WrestleMania events were grabbing just below or above one million buys, this one doing less than 600,000 buys sticks out like a sore thumb. Big time! That is a HUGE drop off folks. 

From LordsofPain.net:

To this day, the only explanation is that the fan base just fell off the face of the earth in 2003. If ever there was a moment when the WWE probably started to breath heavily about their business moving forward after the Attitude era, it was likely the day that they got the buyrate data back for Wrestlemania XIX. 540,000 buys and a 1.4 buyrate is horrible by modern PPV era standards. There are some Summerslams that have almost equaled those numbers in the last ten years. The only thing keeping it from being a complete and utter financial disappointment was that it was a stadium show, packing 54,000 plus into Seattle’s Safeco Field. Many of you probably wanted to see this event near the top of the overall rankings, but you can bet that its poor showing at the box office will drag it down a few notches, unfortunately. Quality wise, it’s my favorite Mania of all-time, but the numbers do not lie on the business rankings.

The WWE was in major transition mode back then. The was the first Mania of the brand split era and the WWE was seeing if it was actually possible to create two fan bases similar to what wrestling had when WWE and WCW were at their respective peaks. That was probably unrealistic to think that it would go down that way, but the shows certainly were different in their presentation. Paul Heyman booked a simple, straightforward show on Smackdown featuring a lot of great wrestlers. Brock Lesnar and Kurt Angle were at the top of the ladder on the blue brand and were flanked by several notable top talents such as Taker and Hogan, along with an awesome mid-card featuring Chris Benoit, Eddie Guerrero, Rey Mysterio, and Matt Hardy. Taker teamed up with giant newcomer Nathan Jones in an intriguing match (my college roommate really liked Jones) against Big Show and A-Train. Show and Taker had been feuding for quite some time. Hogan and McMahon proceeded to battle over who was the main one responsible for the success of Wrestlemania. 

I think the WWE put themselves between a rock and hard place, though, because SD was so much better than Raw, the flagship show. I don’t think they anticipated that when they split the rosters. Back then, it seemed like a foregone conclusion that Angle vs. Lesnar would main-event Mania after the lengthy story they set up in the months prior and Lesnar’s stature via victories over Undertaker and The Rock. Raw seemed to struggle to find its post-split identity. Triple H was there steering the ship, but the show had some major misses in the storyline department – I say that with a straight face even though they did well with the HBK, Stone Cold, and Rock returns. Booker T was thrust into the main-event and was a refreshing new, talented addition to the scene, but it came across as rather random given that he’d been tagging with Goldust for the better part of the previous nine months – not exactly a glowing resume for someone stepping up to the big time. Triple H vs. Book took center stage with the World title on the line in a feud that skirted racial lines, while Rock and Austin reengaged for their third Mania dance. The Rock was excellent in his role, shining as brightly as a heel as he ever had before. HBK and Y2J had a fantastic feud, as well, starting all the way back in December and carrying through to the end of March. 

Something was assuredly missing, though. Fans either did not buy into Book as a threat to the World title or did not want to see the third chapter of the grand stage Rock-Austin rivalry or did not care for Lesnar and Angle as the top acts or Hogan taking on McMahon in a match 20 years in the making. I cannot imagine why they wouldn’t have gotten into Y2J vs. HBK, but that’s the mark for both talking. I don’t know. I just don’t know. It was as stacked a Wrestlemania card as there has ever been, but fans just didn’t buy it. I can’t help but blame the Raw creative side. Perhaps the people had had enough with Katie Vick followed by the Scott Steiner fiasco. I guess we’ll never know until someone that lived it can explain it to us.

But this little nugget from a poster from TheColi.com may be the best reasonable explanation there is as to why so few people bought Wrestlemania XIX:

First digital cable only PPV. As in you could order it ONLY IF you had a digital cable box.

Yikes. You needed a digital box to buy it, or you were locked out? If that's the case, then way to go, WWE. You certainly shot yourself in the foot on that one. Here's a short list on what you may have missed out on that night:

• the surprise return of Rowdy Roddy Piper
• the last match of Stone Cold Steve Austin
• one of the last matches of The Rock
• catfight girls
• the last Wrestlemania bout of Hulk Hogan's career
• Brock Lesnar damn near breaking his neck

Consider what I'm about to do a solid. Here's Wrestlemania XIX. Does it hold up against recent Manias? Where does it rank all time? You be the judge. You're welcome.

Compliment Sandwich- WWE Magazine’s 15 Reasons Why WCW Nitro Failed

Right around time of RAW’s 15^th anniversary, WWE put out a special commemorative issue highlighting the best and worst of WWE’s signature show. This was a year and a half before The Rise and Fall of WCW (which I highly recommend you watch, regardless of how you feel about WWE’s spin of some events), but it was a good six years after RAW’s competition, WCW Monday Nitro, left the airwaves. And always willing to beat a dead horse, WWE had a list dedicated to the show that it beat down (even after Nitro had beaten RAW every week for a year and a half): 15 reasons why Nitro failed.

Now, as it is my job to put a positive spin on some of the worst of wrestling (and through the benefit of hindsight), I’ll (attempt) to put a positive spin on the reasons why Nitro failed.

(15) Tony Schiavone. Sorry, I can’t even say anything nice about the man who claimed every night “was the greatest night in the history of the sport”. He spent most of his career in NWA/JCP/WCW, but did have a cup of coffee in the WWF in 1989 and 1990. The tease of the Wrestlemania VI main event between Hulk Hogan and Ultimate Warrior that happened at the Royal Rumble was voiced by him. Apparently, he cooked a lot of bridges in WCW, allegedly hiding finishes and angles from his co-commentators and being generally lazy. Also, according to Bobby “The Brain” Heenan, he was only allowed a brief statement on his friend/co-commentator Gorilla Monsoon following his passing, though Schiavone didn’t want any mention of it at all. I could see why Schiavone didn’t like the idea: he replaced—and was replaced—by Monsoon in the WWF broadcast booth. Monsoon was beloved. Still is, for that matter. When WCW went under, the WWF didn’t come calling for Tony. When TNA was a PPV promotion, Tony was kicked after just one week. Even commentator/editor-in-chief of the Camel Clutch Blog Eric Garigulo had not nice things to say about Tony:

“Interestingly enough, I did a show back in 2007 as an announcer which was taped for pay-per-view from San Francisco. I got the booking when Tony Schiavone canceled. It amazed me that anyone would pay this man a penny to call a match on their pay-per-view. I was more than happy to take his booking.”

And with that, Tony, we’re out of time. You can go straight to hell.

(14) nWo 2000. WCW can only take partial blame for why this contributed to Nitro’s failure. Let’s make this clear: the New World Order was one of the greatest contributions to wrestling ever. Ever. That’s not debatable. How long it should have stuck around is, and while everyone has an opinion, many are of the opinion that bringing the group back in late 1999 was a bad idea. And perhaps as an act of karma, nearly everyone involved with the angle suffered. Goldberg, their main adversary, injured his arm breaking a limousine window. Chris Benoit, also feuding with the group, left for the WWF. Bret Hart, the group’s leader, was concussed into early retirement. Jeff Jarrett and Kevin Nash also had to sit out with injuries. Just as quickly as the “band got back together”, they were broken up.

(13) Anti-American Jim Duggan. No. Just… no.

(12) Chavo Guerrero and Pepe. All things considered, Pepe was far and away not the worst thing to happen to Eddie Guerrero’s nephew. For your consideration, in no particular order, here are five things worse:

a.      Chavo Guerrero once lost his ECW title match to Kane in ten seconds at WrestleMania 24.

b.     Chavo Guerrero was once karate chopped by Bob Barker.

c.      Chavo Guerrero was once Jack Swagger’s “Soaring Eagle”.

d.     Chavo Guerrero was once Kerwin White.

e.     Chavo Guerrero was the last man to lose the WWE Cruiserweight Championship. The manhe it lost to: Hornswoggle.

(11) Vince Russo in the Popemobile. Vince Russo: WCW world heavyweight champion is a much more egregious offense.

(10) Matches in the Mall of America. Those matches in the Mall of America beat Monday Night RAW that week in the ratings. Scoreboard.

(9) Fingerpoke of Doom. This moment did far more damage to WCW than any of us realize up until the whole Arquette thing. Forget the fact that Tony Schiavone on orders of Eric Bischoff foolishly underestimated the appeal of Mick Foley. Forget the fact for a moment that they were giving away yet another potential money-making main event (Kevin Nash and Hulk Hogan were leading the two nWo factions in WCW—and they were at war with one another). Forget the fact that just over a year earlier, the WWF did something similar. Forget the fact that ratings actually stayed relatively steady in the weeks following this. This moment was a big middle finger to every one in WCW not named Kevin Nash or Hulk Hogan, and a big “fuck you” to every fan of wrestling in general. This title change makes the Montreal Screwjob pretty damn defensible. And that shit’s hard to defend. Apparently, there is a conspiracy theory that Hogan and Nash were plotting this from when Goldberg won the title fromHogan six months earlier in the Georgia Dome. I kinda believe it. That’s what you get, WCW. You never deserved to catch the WWF after that. I will say one nice thing: it doesn’t belong at #9. It belongs much, much higher. Like... #2. 

(8) The Magnificent Seven. Clearly not learning from their mistakes, WCW put together yet another stable in the dying days: The Magnificent Seven. Here’s the group: world champion Scott Steiner, WCW on-screen CEO Ric Flair, Rick Steiner, Jeff Jarrett, Lex Luger, Buff Bagwell, and Road Warrior Animal. Would you take this group seriously? You put seven upper-midcarders against this group, and they’d smoke them. That’s a fact.

(7) “Crazy” Ric Flair. Forget for a moment that Ric Flair may be legitimately crazy these days. Ric Flair and mental hospital are two things that shouldn’t be in the same sentence. Ever. It made the idea of Ric Flair as Spartacus look genius.

(6) New Blood vs. Millionaires Club. This was WCW’s last serious effort to generate interest in their product. They retconned everything and started over in a major reboot. Risky, considering the reboot was on the Monday before a PPV. And for a few weeks, it worked. The roster was as energized as it was in a long time. But here’s what killed it: the booking. The Millionaire’s Club, perceived to be the ones holding the younger talent back, were the faces in the feud against the New Blood. From the April 10, 2000 reboot to Bash at the Beach that July, the WCW world title changed hands twelve times, six of them coming on Nitro. Though Billy Kidman was one of the main sparks of the feud, he actually came out worse for it in the end (thanks to Hulk Hogan). In fact, the only person to come out better for the feud was Booker T. And he spent most of the feud as GI Bro. Think about that. Oh, and Kimberly Page. She had the sense to quit.

(5) Steve “Mongo” McMichael. Steve was a member of the Super Bowl-winning Chicago Bears in 1985, one of the greatest football teams ever assembled. And that’s where the niceness ends. Mongo was a bad commentator, bad wrestler, and if it weren’t for Paul Roma, would be the worst Horseman ever. Yes, Mongo was bad, but he was far from the most offensive. Plus, Mongo once was married to this.

(4) Disco Inferno. Again, bad? Yes. But enjoyably bad. In fact, Disco was one of my personal favorites in WCW. He was a guy you’d love to hate. And he is still alive, if you’re wondering. Like Mongo, not WCW killer bad, but bad enough to not cross into the offensive line. You know, like…

(3) The One Warrior Nation. WCW, allegedly at the request of Hulk Hogan, paid a hefty sum (as much as $2 million American) to get the legit crazy Ultimate Warrior on their roster for one purpose: to get that win back from Wrestlemania VI. Forget for a moment that the match from Halloween Havoc 1998 is legitimately one of the worst in recorded history. The Warrior return nosedived from the moment he got on the microphone. He talked. And talked. And talked. And pretty much lull people to sleep. And if that didn’t do it, subsequent Nitros saw Warrior appear and disappear in a cloud of smoke and trap doors and mirrors, a la The Undertaker (in fact, one of those trap doors essentially ended Davey Boy Smith’s career). And if that didn’t turn you away, then Warrior turning nWo member Disciple (aka Hogan BFF Ed Leslie) into some sort of gay sex slave probably will. The Warrior era ended after just twelve weeks, and as he had an ironclad contract, was paid a hefty sum of money to stay home. Compared to other financial flops that would befall WCW, this was minor. But among critical flops, this is easily near the top of the list.

(2) Misfits inAction. This was the group of wrestlers that was left out in the cold from the New Blood-Millionaires Club angle. The only problem was the group (outside of Booker T) was largely a bunch of jobbers no one cared about. Except adult film star Tylene Buck, aka Major Gunns. She was hot. It’s hardly a reason why Nitro failed, much less #2.

(1) David Arquette. He appeared on just three episodes of Nitro, yet his appearances did irreparable damage. In his defense, it wasn’t his fault. Really, it wasn’t. In a production meeting, Tony Schiavone jokingly kicked around the idea that David Arquette (who was on Nitro and Thunder to promote the WCW movie Ready to Rumble) could be world champion. Leave it to Vince Russo (who once thought Tank Abbott should be world champion) to take the idea seriously. To his credit, David (himself a longtime wrestling fan) thought that this was not a good idea. It didn’t stop Vinnie Ru from doing it, and on an episode of Thunder…of THUNDER, David Arquette wins the title, killing any remaining credibility the world title, the one held by guys like Ric Flair, Sting, Vader, even Hulk fucking Hogan, once had. To quote a wrestling message board post in 2009, “if the Fingerpoke of Doom gushed blood out of the organs of WCW, then the Arquette title win shot the organization in the face with the elephant gun.” I’m pretty sure no one recovers from being shot in the face with an elephant gun (I can't speak to this as I've never been shot with an elephant gun, nor know anyone that has), and neither did WCW. Ready to Rumble flopped, WCW TV ratings flopped, Slamboree 2000, in which Arquette was defending the world title, flopped, and WCW’s checkbook flopped and faceplanted in the cement. Something good did come out of it though: Arquette sensibly donated his WCW earnings to the families of Brian Pillman and Darren Drozdov. 

RAW Bowl: Proof That Football And Wrestling Don't Mix

Last fall, an episode of Monday Night RAW garnered a 2.5 rating. At the time, that episode was the least-watched non-holiday RAW since 1997. Amazingly, WWE managed to break through the floor. Twice.  Granted, the second of the two occurred on a holiday. But as bad as ratings were around this time last year, just remember: once upon a time they were worse.

A September 1995 episode of RAW did a 1.9. So did a March 1997 RAW episode. The one in March, taking place in Berlin, Germany, was so poorly received, that the next week, RAW got a makeover and became RAW is WAR. (Such a shame really. The 200^th episode special was a pretty stacked card, including the European Championship final that is absolutely the tits.) If a 1.9 rating for what was a classic episode couldn't produce drastic change, then why couldn't this episode of RAW do the same? Well, boys and girls, travel with me if you will to 1996.

No, no, not the awesome summer of 1996, the summer of Austin 3:16 and the New World Order. I mean the beginning of 1996, where we’re still trying to recover from the hangover that was 1995. 1995: the year of the Dungeon of Doom, Diesel not drawing flies, Duke the Dumpster, and dreadful wrestling. The two big wrestling feds were dealing with clique problems: the WWF with Shawn Michaels and friends having pretty much their run of the place, and WCW with Hulk Hogan and his BFFs taking over their programming.

Oh, and in its infancy was the Monday Night Wars. Give Eric Bischoff and the people running WCW at the time credit. They were raising the bar in what could be done on a free wrestling show. Case in point: the opening match on the January 1 Nitro was Arn Anderson vs. Randy Savage. And the main event: Ric Flair defending the WCW World Heavyweight Championship against Hulk Hogan. WWF’s offering was in the can for two weeks (which kinda sorta made sense because, you know, the holidays). But when that can was opened, we were treated to one of the lower points in WWF history. Strap on your helmets, fans. Because in the spirit of football season, it’s RAW BOWL time.

--

The first (and as it turned out, only) RAW Bowl aired on January 1, 1996, but was taped two Mondays prior from the Bob Carpenter Center at the University of Delaware. The main hook (and bulk of) the show was its football-themed four corners elimination tag team match, with the winner taking home the Lombardi Trophy presented by The Brooklyn Brawler (real name: Steve Lombardi). So, like nearly every post-season college football bowl game, nothing more than bragging rights were at stake. And like college football, the champions were pretty much predetermined (this, by the way, was during the Bowl Alliance era, a precursor to the Bowl Championship Series. This was back in the era where there was no one-game winner-take-all season ender.)

The football clichés were on full blast here. I’ll try and keep track of them all here. Anyways, the main selling point of this “special episode” was a four corners tag team match, and in keeping with the football theme, all the participants were wearing jerseys. Also of note, this show marked the debut of the infamous “Billionaire Ted” skits and had quite the surprise announcement as to who would be in the Royal Rumble match.

Thankfully, since this show is from 1996, it’s only an hour, about 48 minutes if you do away with ads and such. Can I say anything nice about a football-themed WWF show?

• And less than a minute in, I’ve already lost count. But here’s what I’ve caught: pregame crowd outside the building, band, cheerleaders, a homecoming queen, sideline reporters. That’s not counting the three or four clichés Carnival Barker Vince McMahon was spouting.
• Oh, and we get a Diesel vs. Mabel match in this episode. I’m in full hate mode already. If you need an explanation, I simply refer to their bout at Summerslam 1995 as evidence.
• And a Jim Ross crack: “Jumbo Jim”. Even in the mid-90s, Vinnie Mac couldn’t resist taking jabs at Ross. Fuck.
• Yeah, it wasn’t the Orange Bowl, which featured Florida State rallying from 12 down in the fourth quarter earlier in the day to beat Notre Dame. It certainly wasn’t the Fiesta Bowl played the next night, where top-ranked Nebraska curb stomped second-ranked Florida to the tune of 62-24. No, it wasn’t either of those classics by any stretch.
• Vin McMahon and Jerry Musburgerking on the call. Vince McMahon will have more negative things said about him today than Vin Scully will in his entire life. That’s a fact. And Jerry Musburgerking? What the hell is this, a Wheel of Fortune puzzle?
• Lawler in a Cleveland Browns jersey is still sad, even today. The 1995 Browns started 3-1, then lost nine of their next ten games before finishing the year 5-11. During their 1-9 run, it was announced the Browns would relocate to Balitmore, where they’ve been much more successful since.
• The tag team champions out first, tearing through the banner, the Smoking Gunns. Billy Gunn wearing #38, Bart Gunn wearing #45. Because they’re guns. Get it? Jam an icepick into my retina. BTW: the tag belts are not on the line in this four corners elimination tag match.
• Out next is the team that beat them for the belts at Wrestlemania XI (and would beat a few months later), Owen Hart (#1…well, because he thinks he is) and Yokozuna (#641…well, because he’s fat.)
• Brother Love leading a locker room prayer. Because bringing a guy who’s three shades redder than red back is good for business.
• Razor Ramon (#4 for the number of times he’s been WWF Intercontinental Champion, at the time a record) and Savio Vega (Uno because… yeah, nevermind. Fucking WWF.) out next.
• Goldust’s usher handing out flowers. Razor no like flowers. A wild Goldust appears.
• 1-2-3 Kid (#123 because… 1-2-3) and Sycho Sid (#00 because reasons) with Ted Dibiase out last. The Kid and Sid. Apparently they’re a six and a half point favorites. Really? The tag champs (and the former tag champs) are in this match and they’re the favorites? Steiner math thinks that’s ridiculous.
• Rules because there have to be: two in at a time. When one member of the team is beat for any reason, the whole team leaves. Each team can stop the match once for a timeout. Anyone can tag anyone else, but physical contact must be made before tagging out to someone else.
• Earl Hebner in football referee gear this evening.
• Owen Hart tags in Billy Gunn. They must engage.
• And they engage for a bit, then they simultaneously tag Owen and Yokozuna. Engage, Owen.
• Yeah, how did ya think that was gonna go, Owen? He’s fat.
• Savio Vega in. Yeah, not going too well for Savio.
• 1-2-3 Kid in with Savio Vega.
• A wild Goldust appears. The football clichés keep coming.
• Owen Hart back in, 1-2-3 Kid out.
• Razor Ramon in.
• Lawler sitting with the RAW Bowl queen, whom we find out is someone named Ashley.
• A couple tags and Sycho Sid is in. Shit done got real.
• Dirty old man Jerry Lawler is dirty old man.
• Bart Gunn done blowed up Sid.
• Brother Love with another pre-game locker room prayer. The match is well in progress, guy.
• You know what conference Sid is from? The WAC. The Western Athletic Conference? No, the wack. Because he’s wacko. Hey-o.
• Savio with a barrel roll and Razor Ramon is in with his former/future BFF 1-2-3 Kid.
• Kid calls timeout. Razor does not care. Hebner throws the flag.
• Sid with a blow to the back as play resumes, and Razor and Savio are out. Savio wanted timeout, but no dice. Hebner never saw it.
• Gunns 100-1 to win the RAW Bowl? Think I better call my bookie.
• Some would argue the most prestigious trophy in sports is the Stanley Cup, but to each his own.
• Billy Gunn is swinging on everybody.
• Fat Yokozuna is fat. Billy Gunn is moved and Owen Hart gets crushed, and is pinned by Billy. Yokozuna wanted timeout, but for the second time, Hebner misses it. Owen and Yokozuna are out.
• Diesel vs. Mabel later. Excuse me while I throw up in my mouth a little bit.
• Sid with a near fall on the Hogan leg drop.
• Sid with a one-handed chokeslam.
• Ashley’s still there? Oh, there she is.
• Dibiase distracts the ref, Kid goes up top, Razor pushes Kid off, sending him to Sid, and Billy picks up the scraps. The Smoking Gunns win the RAW Bowl.
• Creepy Jerry Lawler is still creepy.
• Shawn Michaels press conference scheduled for the following Monday.
• RAW Bowl halftime report presented by Wrigley’s with Dok Hendrix. Fastest two minutes in sports, I guess.
• Bret Hart vs. Undertaker for the WWF title announced. Bret Hart compared to the Nebraska Cornhuskers, Undertaker compared to the Florida Gators. Hart-Taker was a lot closer than Nebraska-Florida. Just saying.
• Highlights of the In Your House match between Henry Godwinn and Hunter Hearst Helmsley. Yeah, I’ll pass.
• Fat King Mabel is fat. This man won a King of the Ring and main evented a Summerslam once. About a decade later he got to make out with Lilian Garcia. I hate him.
• Brother Love still leading a prayer. RAW Bowl is over.
• Diesel out next.
• Oh, and RAW Queen Ashley is still there.
• Wow. Quick eight second squash of Mabel. Mabel would be out of the WWF three weeks later.
• Jackknife powerbomb to Mo. Diesel is in full “Diesel’s had enough of your shit” mode.
• Diesel is still a ladies man. Bitches love Diesel. It was a really good year for Diesel.
• It’s a Brisk Tea bath for the Brooklyn Brawler.
• The Vader package, albeit brief, was pretty damn awesome (not to mention a bit of a jaw dropper for many wrestling fans).
• There’s also the premiere of the Billionaire Ted skits, and that’s that.

So was it the one of the worst RAWs ever? Well, yes. And no. It depends on how you viewed the episode. If you were looking at as a pure wrestling program for good matches and storyline advancement, then you’ll likely hate the episode. As a standalone RAW, it’s okay. The four team tag match was pretty decent. The extra fluff was what it was. The football puns and creepy Jerry Lawler being creepy will likely grind your gears. But this was a holiday episode, and the WWE, even back then, doesn’t try hard over the holidays.

And now the most stunning fact from this night (other than the fact that Shawn Michaels did retire the following week, only to take it back at the Royal Rumble two weeks later and win the thing): the RAW Bowl, taped two weeks earlier, narrowly beat Nitro with a Hogan-Flair main event done live 2.6 to 2.5. Why change when you don’t have to? That answer would come that summer.

So, remember kids, appreciate the wrestling product you have now. It could easily be much worse. It could be mid-90s WWF. Or worse, it could be TNA.

And that football and wrestling don't mix. 

Rocktober is Coming

This will have to do until I come up with a somewhat more proper logo.

Next month, I will watch 31 of the defining matches of the career of the most electrifying man in sports entertainment...entertainment...sports. The People's Champion The Rock.

Here's the list:

1. Rock vs. Austin (Wrestlemania X-Seven)
2. Rock vs. Austin (Wrestlemania XIX)
3. Rock vs. Austin (Wrestlemania XV)
4. Rock vs. Triple H (Judgment Day 2000)
5. Rock vs. Hollywood Hogan (Wrestlemania X-8)
6. Rock vs. Kurt Angle (No Way Out 2001)
7. Rock vs. Triple H (Summerslam 1998)
8. Rock vs. John Cena (Wrestlemania XXVIII)
9. Rock vs. Mankind (Royal Rumble 1999)
10. Rock vs. Mankind (St. Valentines Day Massacre)
11. Rock vs. Austin (Backlash 1999)
12. Rock vs. Brock Lesnar (Summerslam 2002)
13. Rock vs. Triple H (Backlash 2000)
14. Rock vs. Chris Benoit (Fully Loaded 2000)
15. Rock vs. Undertaker vs. Kurt Angle (Vengeance 2002)
16. Rock vs. Chris Jericho (No Mercy 2001)
17. Rock vs. Kurt Angle vs. Triple H (Summerslam 2000)
18. Rock vs. Mankind (Halftime Heat)
19. Rock vs. Mankind vs. Ken Shamrock (Breakdown)
20. Rock vs. Ric Flair (RAW July 2002)
21. Rock vs. Eddie Guerrero (RAW July 2002)
22. Rock and Austin vs. New World Order (RAW March 2002)
23. Rock vs. Triple H (RAW 1997)
24. Rock vs. Triple H vs. Mick Foley vs. Big Show (Wrestlemania 2K)
25. Rock vs. Mankind (Survivor Series 1998)
26. Rock vs. Kurt Angle vs. Steve Austin vs. Rikishi vs. Triple H vs. Undertaker (Armageddon 2000)
27. Rock vs. Goldberg (Backlash 2003)
28. Rock & John Cena vs. Awesome Truth (Survivor Series 2011)
29. Rock vs. Rob Van Dam (Smackdown 2001)
30. Rock vs. Mankind (RAW 1999)
31. Team Rock vs. Team DX (RAW February 2000)

Brace yourselves for ROCKTOBER!