LOLTNA: That's What You Get

Check me out. 1,004 views as of this writing. Armbars for everyone! All hail the Ayatollah of Rock and Rollah!

Now this.

Rocktober- Day 11 (part 1)

Well, watch this, my friend.

Under The Weather

Ok, I guess you wanna know why I haven't posted anything in the last few days. I've been sick. Yup. Again. Don't worry, all that Rock goodness will still be coming. So since I'm... what, a week behind now, I'll be posting seven (yes, seven!) classic Rock matches in a single post Thursday. Or Friday. One of the two.

Rocktober- Day 3

A new day of Rock stuff.

Rocktoberfest- Day 2

Prepare yourselves for another day of Rock goodness. Seems an appropriate logo for the Rock promo of the day.

Rocktober- Day 1

After watching about two months of PPVs that range from classic to horrible, I think it's about time I treat myself (and you, the reader) to some good wrestling for once. 

Compliment Sandwich: WCW Nitro 5/22/2000

Yesterday, I did a compliment sandwich on one of my favorite RAW is War episodes, the night-after Judgment Day 2000 episode of RAW. Not only it was the free TV debut of American Badass Undertaker, it was The Rock going off on the McMahon-Helmsley Regime after (a) being screwed out of the WWF Championship, and (b) being told that he was to be in a one-on-four handicap match.

Today, I serve the compliment sandwich to the Nitro offering from competing (in name only these days) WCW. The David Arquette era has ended, but the war between the Millionaires Club, WCW’s established—and most popular—superstars and the New Blood, talent that felt they weren’t given a fair shake, rages on. It’s been just over a month since WCW “started over”, and already the WCW World Heavyweight Championship has changed hands five times. Jeff Jarrett won the vacated title at Spring Stampede, loses it to Diamond Dallas Page a week and a day later, who then loses it to David Arquette without being pinned, who then loses it back to Jarrett in a three-tier cage match at Slamboree, who again lost it eight days later.

The champion heading into this Nitro: Ric Flair. THE Ric Flair, now on his sixth (or seventh if you count that time the title got vacated in 1994) reign as WCW champion. However, he ended the Thunder before this show struggling to stay upright as he did get injured. Classy WCW makes an angle out of it. Of course. Meanwhile, Sting and Vampiro continue their fiery feud (literally), Hulk Hogan made out with Torrie Wilson, and the New Blood is fighting each other, and the Filthy Animals walked on the group.

Sounds like the latest chapter in this saga may feature some New Blood on New Blood crime. Let’s find out as WCW presents Nitro from the Van Andel Arena in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

• A pair of limos arrives. Why’s Vince Russo with the WCW title? And why is sad Vince Russo sad? And why is sad Jeff Jarrett sad?
• And why is there a round cage hanging over the ring?
• We open with a match. A match! The Cat versus Booker T in a weapons match. Martial arts weapons are legal.
• Awful martial arts by The Cat.
• The Cat at the time was training Eric Bischoff’s then-16-year old son Garret. I think that explains everything right there.
• A reminder of the “relaxed DQ rules”.
• Slick Johnson is your referee. I fucking hate Slick Johnson.
• Booker with a Rock Bottom. From out of nowhere.
• A wild Shawn Stasiak appears. Axe kick and chair to the back of the head takes care of Meat, but…
• A cartwheel kick puts down the Bookerman at 4:49. This, by the way, is the longest
• Misfits in Action with Major Gunns bringing up the rear.
• Three corner splashes, then Stasiak pulls out Cat. Charming.
• A wild Eric Bischoff appears. With Kimberly Page.
• Kimberly Page looks AMAZEBALLS.
• Asshole chants. And random mutes. Fucking WCW.
• Eric Bischoff played the sleazy heel about as good as anyone can.
• Bischoff offering the olive branch to MIA to join the New Blood. MIA’s response: kiss our ass, complete with Major Gunns (real name: Tylene Buck) pulling down her shorts and mooning the New Blood.
• Late-to-work Kevin Nash is a gimmick. Who knew?
• Booker T has been fired. Again. That’s twice since the reboot Booker T got fired.
• Sad Vince Russo is still sad. Mock Ric Flair funeral later.
• Terry Taylor with Reid Flair. Show of hands that 13 years later, you had only Terry Taylor still alive. Damn.
• Speaking of Terry, Terry Funk is set to retire tonight. Terry Funk retiring: one of wrestling’s most enduring gimmicks.
• Daffney versus Crowbar for the undisputed WCW Cruiserweight Championship is on deck. Daffney’s the champion (the second woman to win the belt in six months, BTW after Madusa won it at Starrcade 1999), but Crowbar’s got possession of the belt.
• Dare I say it: normal-sounding Daffney’s kinda hot.
• Thumb wrestling, then rock-paper-scissors. And then wrestling
• A wild Miss Hancock appears. Miss Hancock was formerly Nitro Girl Skye, real name Stacy Keibler.
• Daffney with a Frankenscreamer, but only gets two.
• Crowbar is confused.
• A wild Chris Candido appears with Tammy.
• ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
• Fire thunder driver by Candido to Crowbar, and that’ll do it for Crowbar. Daffney checks on Crowbar, but Mickey Jay counts the fall and Daffney’s the one and only Cruiserweight Champion at 3:02. Seemed a lot longer than that.
• Meanwhile, Torrie gives Horace a backrub. Because why not.
• The Bookerman’s got plans for next week. Meanwhile Norman Smiley and Ralphus are washing cars for a buck.
• Kidman wants Horace. Me thinks he knows now.
• Kidman versus Horace, apparently with Torrie Wilson as guest referee is off and running.
• Hogan versus Kidman announced for Great American Bash. Hogan wins, he gets a world title match. Hogan loses, he’s retired.
• Horace with table. Torrie’s gonna let it go.
• Torrie is not on the line, apparently. If you say so, Eric.
• A wild Terry Bollea appears.
• Kidman reverses a Horace Hogan powerbomb. One does not simply powerbomb Kidman.
• Horace on table, and Ho Kogan beals Kidman off the top rope through the table that Horace lays on.
• Hulk Hogan forces Torrie to count, and Kidman wins at 4:05, though the official result is a no contest.
• More Ric Flair mock funeralness. Complete with absurdly big nose.
• WCW Hardcore Champion Terry Funk with tuxedo and cowboy boots. Apparently, his announcement is most major. Retirement, perhaps?
• Terry’s daughter Brandi is in the front row.
• If it is a retirement, it’s an excuse to put this in. Terry Funk’s first attempt to retire, way back in 1983. Terry Funk’s wrestling career: Then. Now. Forever.
• A wild Shane Douglas appears, and wants Funk to speed it along.
• Funk’s announcement: it’s a boy. He’s gonna be a grandpa. Congrats, Terry.
• Funk’s another announcement: June 1, he’s done. Brad Siegel shed a tear.
• June 1, 2001. One more year. WCW didn’t survive one more year, but Terry’s wrestling career did.
• Shane Douglas does not seem amused, and the New Blood is beating on Terry, while Funk’s daughter Brandi watches.
• Piledriver on the chair, and that’ll do it for Terry.
• And a DDT on the chair on top of it.
• And a spike piledriver. This is officially fucked up.
• Shane Douglas takes possession of the hardcore championship belt, as a stretcher awaits outside.
• Major Stash appears and he swaps buckets.
• Yes, WCW is still paying Kanyon, dumbass.
• Tony Schiavone with the Billy Madison blast.
• Ok, remember when I said Terry Funk getting dropped on his head while his daughter watches was fucked up? I take that back. Mike Awesome in a wheelchair and halo mocking Chris Kanyon is fucked up. As long as the check clears, I guess.
• Mike “The Career Killer” Awesome versus The Wall in an Ambulance versus Tables match. First person to put his opponent through a table or stuff said opponent in an ambulance and shut the door wins.
• Mike Awesome backdrops The Wall through the table. Awesome wins in just 85 seconds. This is the first match tonight to not have an in-match run-in.
• But Wall’s up. And he’s pissed.
• A wild Shane Douglas appears with lead pipe.
• A wild Diamond Dallas Page appears from the back of the ambulance, where Mike Awesome gets tossed.
• Meanwhile, The Wall is killing Shane Douglas dead.
• Literally.
• New Blood as pallbearers carrying the “coffin of Ric Flair’s career”. Big production goof: Mike Awesome and Shane Douglas appear. That’s sloppy, yo. If it said “earlier” or “earlier today”, it would be all good.
• And the Filthy Animals’ car just got a white coat of paint.
• Ok, remember when I said that whole Terry Funk and Mike Awesome thing was fucked up? This is fucked up: the “death of the career of Ric Flair”.
• Flair collapsing turned into an angle. Fucking-A, man.
• Russo sucks. And three and a half months later, he really will have the WCW world title.
• But for now, Ric Flair’s stripped of the title, and Jeff Jarrett’s got the title. Again. Third time in five weeks he’s champion. I don’t even think The Rock got to three that quick.
• A wild Kevin Nash appears from in the casket. And Nash cleans house.
• Kevin Nash has possession of the world title belt. I’m not gonna get it.
• Pamela Paulshock with a pissed-off Russo. Nash is given 45 minutes to give the belt back to Jarrett, or they’ll take it by force, no holds barred.
• Two cheerleaders appear. Then Shikira. Then Scott Steiner, WCW United States Champion. He’s from Michigan, isn’t he?
• Apparently Scott Steiner had quite the time at Michigan.
• Apparently, Scott now travels with an “asylum” now, a circular cage. Two men enter, exit occurs only when someone quits.
• Rick Steiner versus his younger brother Scott in an Asylum match for the WCW United States Championship. A domed roof, and yeah. No way out. Rick realizes the gravity of the situation.
• Tank Abbott with bolt cutters and R&B Security.
• Tankberg. Really? Really?
• Bolt cutters didn’t work, but Tank popped Mickey Jay, and he’s got the controls, and it’s two-on-one.
• A wild Kevin Nash appears, with world title belt in hand. Title shots to Rick Steiner and Tank Abbott. Match is a no contest at 3:34.
• New interviewer Pamela Paulshock with Kevin Nash. Nash seems to approve of new interviewer Pamela. Anyways, Kevin makes a match. Jeff Jarrett versus Kevin Nash, winner gets the belt.
• Chuck Palumbo with R&B Security and Miss Elizabeth versus Diamond Dallas Page on deck. The R&B security guards here: Allen Funk, best known as Kwee Wee (and later Bruce in TNA) before Turner S&P killed that character, and “Above Average” Mike Sanders.
• Liz cracks five across Chuck’s face, and DDP nearly takes advantage.
• A wild Kimberly Page appears. With bat. And Kimberly with the bat to the back of Liz. Wow. That’s fucked up.
• A wild Mike Awesome appears with halo.
• Page brained with the halo, and the Torture Rack ends Page’s night at 2:58.
• Lex Luger checks on Elizabeth, and he’s in a bit of a dilemma. Help DDP or help Liz.
• Kimberly trips Lex just enough to get Luger popped in the face by Palumbo with a flexor thingie. Stretcher for Lex.
• Yup, it’s bad. Get him in the ambulance, already. Fuck.
• Kimberly blames Liz. Kim looks amazingly hot though.
• Terry Taylor with Reid Flair. Fuck, this is depressing to watch in hindsight.
• David Flair and a wild Daffney appear with one of them Bruiser Buddy thingies.
• Reid's pouring out his heart, and Terry Taylor got blasted with a figurine.
• Reid Flair with a double leg takedown. Two points, right?
• Well, now it's uncomfortable. David gutshots Reid, piefaces him, and now puts him in the figure four. Fuck, something's not right in this world if David Flair's allowed to walk the Earth and Reid's not.
• I know, Schiavone. What the fuck are you doing? You're making it real easy for people to not like you, WCW.
• And they're showing the replay. What. The. Fuck.
• Vampiro (with can of kerosene and blowtorch) takes on FUNB Hogan. 
• Sting versus Vampiro in a human torch match announced for the Great American Bash. Match continues until someone burns. What the fuck were they thinking?
• Vampiro gets the jump on Hogan.
• Clusterfinishes? Not in WCW? Remember this. Quiz later.
• How does Hogan handle all these challenges? Creative control, my dude. Creative control.
• Big boot and leg drop, but Hogan does not go for the cover. Wonder if it'll come back to bite him.
• A wild Billy Kidman appears and beans Hogan with the torch in the back. Vampiro takes advantage and gets the pin at 4:45.
• Sting appears and saves Hogan's ass.
• And Sting and Hogan whips on Vampiro.
• Filthy Animals no like the new paint. Wild Misfits in Action appear. Norman Smiley runs like hell. Ralphus is down. Paging Miss Gunns.
• Hustle, Miss Gunns. It's Ralphus, who slips her the tongue. You magnificent bastard.
• Jeff Jarrett vs. Kevin Nash for the vacated WCW World Heavyweight Championship. Nash has possession of the belt, and will only give it back on the condition that he's beaten in a match.
• For the third Nitro in a row, a world title match is the main event. 
• A wild Vince Russo appears with R&B Security.
• And he's the referee as Billy Silverman gets wiped out.
• I guess it's falls count anywhere. Not that it matters, since Russo won't give Nash a fair shake.
• Nash peppersprayed by Russo and stroked by Jarrett. Steiner's music played for a second for some reason, then stops.
• Then it plays again, and out comes Steiner. And he gets maced too. And handcuffed.
• Nash's had enough of their shit.
• Swing and a miss on the bloodbath as Nash was about to plant Russo with a powerbomb.
• Jarrett with the acoustic, and he wins the WCW world title for the third time in just 4:39. 
• Bischoff, Russo, and Double J brag, and scene.

Compliment Sandwich: RAW 5/22/2000

Time for another compliment sandwich on a classic episode of Monday Night RAW (is WAR). I don’t expect this episode to make the 20^th anniversary boxset when it’s released in a couple of months, but it’s one of my favorites. This episode takes place from the Conseco Fieldhouse in Indianapolis (since renamed Bankers Life Fieldhouse) the night after Judgment Day in Louisville.

If you were for the faces, Judgment Day was a pretty depressing evening for you. Following the opener, the heels swept the card, winning the final five matches, capped off by Triple H winning a one-hour Ironman match against The Rock to reclaim the WWF Championship. But perhaps the biggest story coming from that night (other than Shawn Michaels appearing to screw The Rock out of the title) was the return of The Undertaker...looking very different. Judgment Day gave birth to American Badass Undertaker, a period that while necessary for the evolution of the character, is not necessarily looked upon fondly.

WCW countered with…you guessed it… a world title match between Kevin Nash and Jeff Jarrett. (For the record, Jarrett won the match and the title. It was only the second time that week the title changed hands, as Vince Russo stripped Ric Flair of the title he’d won on the previous week’s Nitro. Didn’t matter: the night after Jarrett won it back, Nash won the belt from Jarrett at a Thunder taping.) Not surprisingly, RAW crushed Nitro 7.1 to 3.0. It was the last time a WWF program got a 7 rating.

Anyways, on with it.

• How do you know you’re watching a WWF program from the first half of 2000? A 20-minute opening promo by the McMahon-Helmsley Faction. Well, not exactly that tonight. It’s Vince McMahon, and he only needed about six minutes to lay out the main event.
• How do you know you’re watching a WWF program from the first half of 2000? The main event is a handicap match. Tonight: DX + Shane McMahon versus The Rock. Even by this point, this was getting old.
• A wild Rock appears. And he’s pissed.
• Seriously, this beatdown needs some music behind it. May I suggest “Straight Outta Compton” by NWA?
• McMahon’s taking a ride.
• Rock’s looking to choke a bitch. Or something.
• And now the wrestling portion of the program begins: T&A with Trish Stratus versus The Hardy Boyz.
• Thanks to Trish, Jeff’s pretty as hell Swanton Bomb is negated by Test’s top rope elbow to the back of Jeff’s head. T&A gets the upset win at 3:56.
• The Rock is waiting for somebody.
• Eddie Guerrero with Chyna versus D-Lo Brown for the WWF European Championship. D-Lo Brown had four runs as European Champion in 1998 and 1999.
• JR and King discussing the events of the previous night. You know, there’s a match in the ring.
• A wild Godfather appears. With hos.
• Hurancanrana pin gets Eddie the dupe and title defense in just 2:26.
• Godfather with the beatdown and Pimp Drop post match. D-Lo had a very bad night.
• Gerald Brisco with the Faction just as they arrive. They have no idea how real shit’s gonna get.
• But they find out about ten seconds later when…
• A wild Rock appears. With lead pipe. He kills Road Dogg and X-Pac dead. And drops them in the bed of an 18-wheeler. Tori and Gerald at least had the sense to run.
• Team ECK versus Too Cool & Rikishi in a return match from Judgment Day.
• Kurt wasn’t completely accurate. The Pacers made it to the NBA Finals, but they got beat in six games by the Lakers. That’s better than what the 76ers in 2001 (5 games) and the Nets in 2002 did (4 games).
• Well, Christian’s right. 13 years later, not much has changed. The Pacers still choke in the playoffs.
• Five-second poses were awesome. Even Lilian enjoyed it a little bit.
• ANARCHY! ANARCHY!
• Rikishi’s face is in Edge’s ass.
• Edge prevents Scotty 2 Hotty from completing the Worm with a title shot, Kurt Angle with a half-nelson cradle, and Team ECK disposes of Too Cool in just 2:50.
• The Rock is still looking to kill.
• Shane McMahon to gloat about his victory over The Big Show. Big Show for the record would not be back until the 2001 Royal Rumble match.
• Shane’s a pussy.
• Shane the poet.
• Shane the poet about to get fucked up because…
• A wild Rock appears. Today is not a good day to fuck with The Rock.
• Up next: Chris Benoit versus Val Venis for the Intercontinental Championship.
• Benoit did not go on to become the greatest IC champion ever, though he did have four runs as champion.
• The way the end of the main event from Judgment Day was being discussed, you’d think it was Nitro, Nick Patrick and the “fast count” from Starrcade all over again.
• Speaking of which, I gotta give that event the compliment sandwich one day.
• A wild Hardcore Holly appears. And he just brained Val Venis.
• And Chris Benoit, who wins by DQ at 6:43. It’s the longest match on the show.
• A wild Chris Jericho appears. Hardcore Holly turns around but it’s way too late. Intercontinental Deathmatch 2000 is officially on. Round 1, and Jericho’s the only one that is upright.
• Gerald Brisco awaits Triple H and Stephanie, but up now is a tag team match, playa. The Dudley Boyz versus Bosschanan (Bull Buchanan & The Big Boss Man). Think The Shield, only less talented and way bigger.
• Teddy Tag Team (Theodore Long)
• Yeah. D-Von’s testifying all in Bull Buchanan’s nuts.
• Indianapolis demands their table, and right fucking now.
• Bossman gets the Dudley Death Drop and them damn Dudleys win at 5:08.
• Gerald Brisco. Still waiting.
• Elroy, aka Crash Holly, at the APA office. The APA office is one of my favorite gags ever in wrestling.
• Bradshaw and Faarooq be like, “English motherfucker, do you speak it?”
• Crash pours beer over Bradshaw. This is not a good idea. One does not waste a good beer.
• Faarooq: Don’t hurt him. He’s just a boy.
• Gerald Brisco: still waiting.
• 2000 cell phones, man.
• Crash Holly, who does not weigh 400 pounds, will take on Bradshaw in a hardcore match.
• Crash got brained with that steel chair, yo. Hands up or no, he got fucked up.
• Crash died a thousand deaths. Clothesline from hell wins it for Bradshaw at 2:01. What did you learn?
• Gerald Brisco finally with Triple H and Stephanie. Gerald telling the tale of the night to this point.
• Triple H is looking for The Rock. Meanwhile, The Rock is stalking Triple H. The Rock knows what you did last Sunday.
• Highlights from the Judgment Day main event, then Michael Cole interviewed Shawn Michaels from shortly after the final bell.
• Godfather and Essa Rios. With hos. Meanwhile, a wild Lita appears. Speaking Spanish, no less. Lita does not seem impressed.
• Jim: You ever rolled a phatty? Jerry: Remember that time when I pushed you? *bad dum crash*
• Dean Malenko, you shrewd bastard. Two hos for Dean-o. Perry Saturn gets no hos. Dean Malenko and Perry Saturn versus Godfather and Essa Rios (with Lita) becomes Perry Saturn versus Godfather and Essa Rios (with Lita).
• Lita pushed Essa Rios off the top rope, and Saturn hits the brainbuster. The one beats the duo in just 92 seconds. Guess it ain’t all good between Lita and Essa. This concludes the wrestling portion of the program.
• The Rock’s looking to choke a bitch.
• I still put Survivor Series 1997 over the Ironman match in terms of controversy.
• I would love to agree on The Rock saying Triple H never beat The Rock. Triple H did. Five times, my dude. But let’s not get facts in the way.
• Just Got Your Ass Kicked Boulevard is about a mile from Jabroni Drive, by the way.
• Sucking it with each other is most certainly not PG.
• Four-on-one is now one-on-one. Shit’s on, brah.
• That’s funny, Triple H. Indianapolis isn’t in the mood for your shit either.
• The ring stinks of rats for some reason.
• And we’re off.
• And there it is. The regime has returned.
• Doesn’t matter. Rock Bottom to Vince.
• But the Regime has pounced on The Rock.
• The Judgment Day video plays from last night. And the action has stopped. Looks like the Regime’s Judgment Day is now.
• American Badass Undertaker has arrived.
• Undertaker kills everybody dead not named Triple H, Stephanie, or Tori.
• And Undertaker was about to get run over. The Regime is running for their lives.
• Meanwhile, Triple H is about to kill The Rock dead.
• Or not.
• Triple H is about to kill The Rock dead again.
• Or not.
• Rock Bottom to Triple H through the announce table. Triple H’s final destination tonight: The People’s Hell.
• Achievement Unlocked: Rage Against The Regime.

Ok, on to the summary. What I liked and didn’t like in chart and/or graph form.

LIKE	The main story of the show: The Rock mad as hell that he got boned out of the WWF Championship thanks in part to the McMahon-Helmsley Regime. He’s not smiling, he’s not walking around like things are good. That’s what I want out of a former champion. If you lose it any way other than Windex clean, you’d better be looking to fight somebody.
DIDN’T LIKE	Yet another McMahon promo to start RAW. If there was one RAW is War or Smackdown that didn’t begin with a 20-minute promo from Triple H or his band of merry misfits in the first half of 200, I’d like to see it.
LIKE	Edge and Christian and their silly five-second poses. Brood Edge and Christian were good. BFF’s Edge and Christian were fan…tastic. (For the record, the one they did in Oakland right around the time of the 2000 playoffs was my favorite.)
DIDN’T LIKE	Most of the matches on the show finished too quickly to mean anything. But considering (a) the massive riches they have in talent and (b) little time they have, it’s forgivable. Plus, they’re coming off a PPV.
LIKE	Although I’m in the minority, I like American Badass Undertaker.
BONUS LIKE	2000 Trish and Lita. Wow.

It was easy to see why WWF was on fire in 2000: compelling characters, superior talent, superior storylines, and dare I say it, long-term planning. Of course, it was spotty in places, but around this time, this was as good as it gets.

Going In On TNA

NOTE: Before I begin, nice to know that quite a few of you read my post on the classic RAW from yesterday. Think I should do more of them. This weekend, I’ll give the compliment sandwich to another classic episode.

But right now, I’m about to take the nice gloves off on a certain Florida-based promotion.

--

It’s not gonna get any better, is it?

I know my buddy Joe isn’t gonna like what I have to say (because he is a diehard TNA fan), but I watched portions of last night’s No Surrender (Part Two) on Impact. It was shit, bro. I would rather watch reviews of TNA Impact from Youtuber Foolkiller99 (I highly recommend you check out his reviews. Good stuff) than watch actual episodes of Impact. Hell, I’d rather watch old 2003 Impact than 2013 Impact. And 2003 Impact was shit in a lot of areas too.

Here’s a quick summary of what you may have missed last night in case the Chiefs-Eagles game put you to sleep:

• Heel Dixie Carter is unlikable, and not just in an “I know it’s just a show, but I hate your guts” kinda way. Heel Dixie Carter is unlikable in an “I hate you, I hope you rot in hell, now get the hell off my TV” kinda way. You know, X-Pac hate. Or Maybe Miz hate. Hell, from a general standpoint, Dixie Carter is unlikable. Here’s why heel Dixie Carter just doesn’t work: before last night, she was either clueless Dixie or damsel in distress Dixie. And perhaps that’s not just in front of the camera. (See the Ask Dixie debacle from earlier this summer) Clueless Dixie plucked every ex-WWE talent they could in hopes that THIS would be the signing to turn it all around. Christian, Kurt Angle, Tara, Mickie James, and a host of others too numerous to mention. Not one of them has done so. Even the signing and taking advice of Eric Bischoff and Hulk Hogan (LOOK AT ME!) has done little to turn their companies’ fortunes around. And if she’s not clueless, she’s the damsel in distress, always looking for that knight in shining armor to rescue her or her company (see the whole Immortal saga). Before last night, at NO POINT in her decade as principal owner of the company has she shown to be a strong authority figure, and you expect your fans to do that now? Bitch, please.
• The Aces and Eights group now only has like four guys. Five if you count Tazz, six if you count Brooke Tessmacher. This group needs to die in a fire yesterday, and everyone not named Duh-Duh Ray and Brooke can die in said fire. So just to review the rules of Aces and Eights: (1) Bros before hos. (2) Never disrespect the Aces and Eights. (3) Don’t talk about Aces and Eights. (4) ARMBAR. Random thought: has there been a bigger dropoff between the #1 and #2 members of a stable than Aces and Eights?
• Heel Chris Sabin: nobody cares. My God, this guy dropped off the face of the Earth faster than James Storm did. Two months ago, this guy was (inexplicably) the world champion and one of the feel good stories in TNA. Now he’s heading down the path towards Mike Mizanin with better looking parents (and a better looking girlfriend).
• Your TNA Knockouts division as of September 20, 2013: ODB (champion), Gail Kim, Velvet Sky, Brooke Tessmacher, Taryn Terrell (pregnant). Not counting Taryn, half of the division now is doing valet duty. I know TNA doesn’t have much of a chance, but you pay Mickie James whatever she wants to get her back through your door. And sign some new knockouts while you’re at it.
• Joseph Park is still a thing. So that’s good, I guess. The Park/Abyss storyline does need to be resolved though, right?
• Unfortunately, so are Los Stereotypicos (Chavo Guerrero and Hernandez).
• And Bro Mans.
• Apparently there was a somewhat decent six man tag on this episode, but I missed it.

I know from reading this you probably think I hate TNA. Well, I do. Specifically, I hate what TNA has become. Eleven years in, TNA should have much more of an identity than WWE-lite, or late WCW-carbon copy. But to casual fans—ones that only pay attention to the Big Two, and even then on occasion—that’s what they are. And they didn’t have to be this way. People like James Storm, Bobby Roode, Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, and Christopher Daniels have been passed over and backburnered by one stop-gap after another: Kurt Angle, Christian, Jeff Hardy, Rob Van Dam, Sting, Pacman Jones, Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, King Mo, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, Tito Ortiz, Jenna Morasca, one of the “ladies” of Jersey Shore, and so on. It’s barely helped their ratings, but never consistently, and it has never helped their bottom line.

There was a time when TNA out-talented WWE roster spot for roster spot. That may still be the case now, but I doubt it, especially with WWE's main roster getting a serious influx of new faces in the last twelve months. And even if it is, there is no question about this: WWE is and has been better managed than TNA at its best. Bad talent can be overcome. Bad management cannot. (For proof of this, see the perennial NFL disappointment known as the Dallas Cowboys. All the talent in the world, with shit management.) And whoever's fault this is, whether it be Hulk Hogan, Eric Bischoff, Dixie Carter, or a combination of the three, you are the reason that TNA is a sinking ship for which there is no hope for recovery.

The only reason Impact is still on your television is because you continue to watch it in droves. It outrates everything on Spike TV by a wide margin, and it even outrates WWE programming in some international markets. Once upon a time, the same thing was said about Nitro. Eventually, the millions of dollars lost was simply too much to overcome.

TNA’s biggest show of the year is one month from now: Bound for Glory. Beyond AJ Styles finally winning the world title again and perhaps the long Aces and Eights saga coming to a merciful end, nothing is certain. Not even its future. Hulk Hogan’s contract is set to expire a week from Tuesday. Eric Bischoff’s comes up soon. Nearly half the active roster from one year ago is gone. In fact, if you have WWE '13, you can do a gamesave with every active on-camera talent they have and still have a few slots left over. TNA’s financial future is in so much peril, they’re looking to get their old home back in Orlando. I want to feel sorry for what TNA has become. But I can’t. This is the bed they have chosen in the cramped up room they have chosen in the rickety house they have chosen. Now they must lie in it.

Sleep comfortably, TNA, while you still can.

Compliment Sandwich- WWF RAW #293 (January 4, 1999)

January 4, 1999 is a day that will forever live in wrestling infamy. On that night we had a rare daily double: both the WWF and WCW world titles changed hands. In fact, the two major promotions had world title changes within ten minutes of one another. Well…not exactly. While Hulk Hogan really did win the WCW title on January 4, Mankind had won the WWF title nearly a week earlier on December 29. With this little nugget being common knowledge among wrestling fans (about as far as common knowledge among wrestling fans traveled at the time—remember, the Internet wasn’t nearly as much a thing in 1998 as it is now), Eric Bischoff looked to pounce on the competition to get people to leave their TVs on Nitro and not flip to RAW. His idea, which had worked in the past: give away the results of the taped RAW.

Except this one time it was very different. Tony Schiavone, ever the good soldier, gave away the result of the forthcoming, yet already taped, WWF Championship match:

“If you’re even thinking about changing the channel to our competition fans, do not. Because we understand that Mick Foley, who wrestled here one time as Cactus Jack, is going to win their world title. Whoa! That’s gonna put some butts in the seats. Heh.”

That one time was very different because Nielsen metrics showed as many as 600,000 viewers who were actually watching Nitro at the time, tuned into RAW to see said world title change. Many of those people tuned back to Nitro at 11pm (see, with a taped show, there’s no threat of running overtime), and those people tuned into see their world title change via the infamous Fingerpoke of Doom. At the time of the announced title change, Nitro had been winning the head-to-head ratings battle for the night. They gave it away—literally—when they gave away the Mick Foley win. The rest is history.

So what’s going on in the WWF at the time?

Well, a few weeks earlier, all signs pointed to Mankind being Vince McMahon’s handpicked world champion when at Survivor Series: Deadly Game it was revealed that he was catfished and The Rock was Vince’s corporate champion. At Rock Bottom, Mankind had knocked out The Rock via Mandible Claw and should have been WWF Champion, but McMahon again intervened stating that The Rock was neither pinned nor made to submit so the title does not change hands.

Stone Cold Steve Austin, also catfished at Survivor Series, had to fight his way back into title contention. His first major hurdle was to beat The Undertaker in a Buried Alive match to get in the Royal Rumble, which he did. Austin has not been seen since that night because he’s on the DL.

The Corporation and D-Generation X are looking for ways to kill one another. Or at least antagonize one another.

Chyna and Mark Henry may or may not be dating.

And Shawn Michaels has just been fired as WWF commissioner for letting Shane McMahon take a beatdown and holding the Corporation back, but not before HBK kicks Vince in the face on the way out.

Your champions (at the time of the January 4 broadcast):

·         WWF Champion: The Rock

·         WWF Intercontinental Champion: Ken Shamrock

·         WWF European Champion: X-Pac

·         WWF Hardcore Champion: “Road Dogg” Jesse James

·         WWF Tag Team Champions: Big Boss Man and Ken Shamrock

·         WWF Womens Champion: Sable

So, if you’re scoring at home, the Corporation and DX hold every belt but one. Make no mistake: they are the featured story in WWF at the time, and it’ll play an awful big part in this episode. With that, let’s try and actually say some not nice things about the January 4, 1999 episode of RAW is WAR. Between some nice things of course.

• I’ve always loved the WWF Attitude signature.
• A career retrospective for Shawn Michaels to start, voiced over by Kevin Kelley.
• We interrupt this career retrospective to bring you RAW is WAR.
• Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler on the call.
• Holy shit, there are a lotta bodies in the Corporation. One thing I don’t miss: ginormous stables.
• McMahon threatens that if Shawn Michaels shows up, he’ll be dismembered.
• Crowd at the Worcester Centrum seems unamused.
• Shawn Michaels arrives. Does the dismembering begin now?
• I guess it does.
• Shawn’s got backup…and it’s D-Generation X. Holy shit. It done just got real.
• Shawn’s contract is ironclad. He collects a paycheck until he resigns.
• President wasn’t lousy in retrospect. He was in office for the biggest economic boom in the history of the world.
• Almost forgot about this: Shane and Vince McMahon drawing Stone Cold Steve Austin’s number for the Rumble on the previous RAW. Austin was “drawn” #1, Vince #30, though he was hoping for #2.
• Shawn gives Vince his wish. Vince McMahon will enter the Royal Rumble #2.
• A stone cold crazy surprise. Gee, I wonder what that means.
• Wait… did we really need D-Generation X for this segment? It seemed unnecessary.
• And now the wrestling portion of the program. Ken Shamrock vs. Steve Blackman in a non-title match. The two will beef off and on until Shamrock leaves the WWF in the fall of 1999.
• A wild Dan Severn appears. Still with a broken freaking neck. There was never a proper blowoff between Shamrock and Severn, was it? It would have been amazeballs. I mean, amazeballs for 1999.
• I know UFC was the butt of jokes back in the day, but did you ever imagine a world where UFC PPVs would kill WWE’s offerings in buyrates on the regular?
• Billy Gunn with the Fameasser. Ref didn’t see it, of course, as he’s looking at Dan Severn. Blackman with the upset win at 3:26. Even in 1999, champions were jobbing in non-title matches.
• Gunn and Shamrock are fighting to the death.
• A wild Mankind appears. Unscheduled.
• Mankind apparently discovered himself in the previous two weeks: he enjoyed grabbing Pat Patterson’s balls, he said “suck it” without saying please, and he likes to kick McMahon family ass. Whatever ripes your melons, I guess, Mick.
• Mankind wants one more go at the WWF Championship at the Royal Rumble. He’s got a case; he did beat The Rock at Rock Bottom.
• Foley is God. Or good. Whateves.
• Yes, you can say ass, Mick.
• The Corporate team is not right behind you, Vince. If we can’t see them, they’re not there.
• Foley as WWF Champion stains the WWF? Tell Mick how you really feel, Vince.
• Mankind likes that roar. Not sure how he feels about this roar though.
• Vince, it’s Mankind this week. And if falling off a cage and getting a tooth stuck up your nose isn’t paying dues, I don’t know what is.
• So… I guess that’s a no on the rematch.
• Mankind vs. Triple H for a Royal Rumble match spot later. Shane McMahon will be the referee.
• “Sexual Chocolate” Mark Henry. He hearts Chyna. Mark Henry will face Goldust. Henry is only the second most perverted man in the ring. That in and of itself is an upset.
• PMS (Pretty Mean Sistas) was a thing once.
• Sushi-X sign in the fifth or six row. For some inexplicable reason, a Sushi-X sign appeared at every RAW for about two years.
• If McMahon’s so smart, why he give Shawn Michaels an ironclad contract? Just saying.
• A wild Chyna appears. With a friend.
• Goldust through the uprights and into Mark Henry’s groin area. Mark Henry with the DQ win at 3:44, though the bell never rings.
• Chyna, of course Mark Henry’s hurt. He just got kicked in the junk. It hurts like hell. I thought Chyna would be aware of such matters. Fuck.
• Um… duh, Chyna. Mark’s a fattie. 400 pounds.
• Chyna’s friend, Sammy. I believe Chyna has proposed a threesome. And Mark Henry faints. (Later, it was revealed that sweet Jesus, Sammy has a penis.)
• And on this day, Jesse Ventura is inaugurated as the Governor of Minnesota.
• And he had a home video release.
• Dennis Knight… hanging out. Creppy.
• Godfather versus Test up next. I believe this is his in-ring debut. He debuted on Sunday Night Heat the previous October as a bodyguard for Motley Crue.
• Hogan leg drop by Godfather gets a near fall. Brother.
• A wild Val Venis appears. That’s three out of three matches a wild someone appears.
• Double countout at 1:59, and it’s on. Val Venis is looking to murderdeathkill Test.
• D-Generation X…chatting. Looks like they’ve kissed and made up.
• Triple H versus Mankind with Shane McMahon as special referee up next. Winner is in the Royal Rumble. Triple H with robo-Chyna. Shane did referee in a past life, by the way.
• Mankind deserves to be shot? Wow, Lawler. How do you really feel?
• The Corporate Fan in the fifth row. That’s nice.
• We can hear it pretty clear if he does. I’m not saying it’s pindrop quiet, but you can most definitely hear it.
• Shane McMahon fast counts Mankind down. Triple H wins and gets a place in the Rumble at 2:57.
• Fuck, even in 1999, Triple H goes all about “business”.
• Surprise motherfucker. Triple H pedigrees Shane McMahon. Protect yourself at all times. Because reasons. And so Mankind can kill Shane again.
• Mankind with the Rings of Saturn on Shane. Or something. He’s gonna break that shoulder. He sounds kinda serious.
• Mankind wants a title match tonight or Shane gets that arm snapped.
• Vince agrees. Not good enough.
• No disqualification, and Vince agrees. Mankind challenges The Rock for the WWF Championship later.
• A wild Rock appears. He’s pissed. And he’s not ready. But he had to, Rock. Shane was gonna lose his arm, bro.
• Edge versus D-Lo Brown next. Edge coming through the masses. D-Lo Brown, apparently back from Aruba. Edge looks like he’s got his rape face on.
• Was D-Lo Brown really gonna chokeslam Edge?
• Edge with some serious hangtime on the cross body to the outside.
• It’s not a long shot. It’s 50-50 for Mankind to win the WWF title. Steiner math, yo.
• Running powerbomb could have gotten three if he didn’t take a moment to admire his work, D-Lo.
• Oh… the infamous Terri pregnancy angle. Yeah. I’m gonna skip this. By the way, match is a no contest at 4:57. I so hate the lost baby angle. Fucking Russo.
• Kane (with shameless plug for the Brisco Brothers Body Shop), Pat Patterson, Gerald Brisco, and Shane McMahon with bum arm appear. It is changed to an impromptu match: Kane versus the stooges with Shane McMahon as referee.
• Vince McMahon is all like, “Kane. Sick balls.”
• It’s apparently “Kill Shane McMahon Night” on RAW. Vince talks Kane out of it under threat of going back to the insane asylum.
• Though Vince declares Kane the winner, it’s officially a no contest.
• Dennis Knight…still hanging out. The Acolytes tell Dennis that he’s ready.
• Road Dogg versus Al Snow for the Hardcore Championship up next. Don’t look at the head… too late. Al Snow catches the champion by surprise.
• 30 seconds in, a table appearance.
• Speaking of Al Snow, he’s in a blood-stained shirt. He got blood bathed two weeks prior.
• Al Snow moonsaults a table. Not effective offense. Just saying.
• Road Dogg hiptosses Al Snow through a table. That’s two tables down if you’re scoring at home.
• It’s becoming a backstage brawl in WWE ’13. Wonder if they based the backstage arena on this building.
• Holy shit, they’re in the snow.
• Piledriver onto a box. And that’ll do it. Road Dogg wins. In the snow. At 8:38, it’s by far the longest match of the night so far. It’s also the first match on the show with a clean finish.
• Road Dogg takes his rightful victory lap. That’s awesome. And it’s sensible because goddamn, it’s cold out there.
• Dennis Knight… deposited in a room somewhere while the Acolytes stand guard outside.
• Shawn Michaels done got dismembered by the Corporation.
• One can’t grieve forever, I suppose. The Rock versus Mankind for the WWF Championship in a no disqualification match. Challenger Mankind out with D-Generation X first. The Rock, clearly in the same clothes he was in earlier in the hour, out with the Corporation. At ringside: Billy Gunn, Chyna, Road Dogg, Triple H, X-Pac, Kane, Ken Shamrock, Shane McMahon, Vince McMahon, Test, and Big Bossman. That’s eleven people ringside. It might as well be a lumberjack match.
• Match’s not gonna end up in a wild schmozz like the other league. Foreshadowing, perhaps?
• At 1:26:20, we get our first appearance of Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler in this episode.
• Rock Bottom through the announce table. Of course.
• Comparing being the WWF Champion to being the Yankees center fielder or Cowboys quarterback. Um… okay.
• Corporate Elbow gets two.
• Mankind still has his old JOB Squad shirt. Didn’t realize that until now.
• Title shot from The Rock to Mankind’s face. Only two.
• Mankind with a double arm DDT, belt slips.
• A wild Socko appears. And it’s nap time for Rocky.
• Shamrock with a chair. Billy Gunn bumrushes Shamrock. It’s a zoo.
• Glass breaks. Oh wait. Now it’s a zoo. Stone Cold’s here. Holy shit, listen to that pop.
• Austin with a chair to Rock’s face.
• Mankind placed on top and at 8:48 is the new WWF Champion, much to the delight of the crowd.
• Oh, he can, and he did. Who knew a guy that once slept on the floors of Motel 6’s and in his Ford Fairmount and was once clotheslined so hard he couldn’t eat solid food for weeks would be the man that essentially delivered the killing blow in the Monday Night Wars?
• Yep, the man with the tattered shirt, a sweaty mask, and a sock puppet is the #1 man in the WWF.
• Mick Foley takes a well-deserved victory lap as the scene fades.

For the record, RAW got a 5.8 rating that night. Nitro began with a 5.6, but nearly lost a full point following the dead giveaway, but got back to 5.0 thanks to the Fingerpoke of Doom overrun. At the time, it was the largest combined audience for Monday night wrestling ever. If you paid attention through the episode, they were teasing something pretty big for Mankind throughout the night. While the episode is an all-time classic (it will be a part of the RAW 20^th Anniversary box set), most of the show is essentially filler. The meat comes in the last 30 minutes with the two title matches.  

Now, gonna try something new: things I liked and didn’t like in chart and/or graph form.

LIKE	The signature. I miss the hell out of it.
DIDN’T LIKE	The opening segment, which outside of the actual “dismemberment” of Shawn Michaels, meant nothing. There was actually a plan for a Shawn Michaels-Triple H match at Wrestlemania XV, but as Michaels needed to go under the knife, never came to fruition.
LIKE	The hardcore match. Yeah, these days it may be a little tough to watch given what we know about concussions and all, but this little nugget was a fun watch and is well deserved a place on the greatest RAW matches ever list. Not a top 10 or 25, mind you, but if you go to 50, sure.
DIDN’T LIKE	The pregnancy angle. So much hate for that angle. Fuck Vince Russo and whoever was the brains behind it.
LIKE	Hostile Mankind. He’s been catfished, had the WWF title taken away from him, and has had enough of the McMahon’s shit. So of course the next logical step was to take someone hostage.
DIDN’T LIKE	The fact they never explained the entire episode why Shawn Michaels decided to reunite with D-Generation X.
LIKE	Edge. Even in 1999, you knew this guy was gonna be a big deal if he could put it together. And he did.
DIDN’T LIKE	Creepy Edge rape face.
LIKE	The absolutely insane pop Stone Cold Steve Austin got, even though the whole building knew he was showing up at some point.
DIDN’T LIKE	That only one match had a clean finish. And it was the hardcore title match. But this was a sign of the times back then.
LIKE	Mick Foley getting his moment in the sun.